Paying a Price

What is Best in Life?

2010-12-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

This is my two-weeks notice letter to my boss at the Steel Mill where I work. I was hired to work as a Paramedic by a security company, so we worked hand in hand with the security guards, but as time went on, it seemed that they really wanted me to be more of a security guard than a paramedic.
The problem with that is that I am not a security guard, paramedics are kind of the opposite of security guards. The last thing in the whole world I want to do is hassle people. I like that when I show up, people are usually glad I'm there. You don't usually hear people say "oh no, here come the paramedics."
So as my disdain grew and grew, my ability to take the job seriously shrank and shrank. That's how you end up with this as my resignation letter.

It reads:
Dear Madame;

It has been the greatest honor of my life to serve with you on the battlefield of blankity blank Steel Mills. When I find that I can no longer muster the enthusiasm to go charging into battle with the gusto I once had, I realize that I am weary and the day of reckoning is upon me. Unfortunately, the time comes when every soldier has to hang up his sword and turn the fight over to the warriors of a new generation.

In order to preserve the standards I have set and expect from my kinsmen at Blank Security company, it is my sad duty to inform you that as of January 1st, 2010 I will no longer be available to slay the proverbial dragons and rescue the damsels in distress of our day.

I thank the stars above for the opportunities my position here afforded me and I thank you for your hospitality in these last months. In my last days, I have chosen the path of a humble servant over that of a conqueror so that my transition from power may go as unnoticed as possible. I will wait out the days tending to our menial tasks with quiet determination as if nothing will ever change. I assure you that when I am gone, in my heart I will long for the days of riding my gallant steed through the majesty of sweat, steel and heat that was home at Blankity Blank Steel Mills.

There can be only one,

Blankity Psydewayz Blank

Arbitrary Lane Changes

2010-12-02T00:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm in Seattle with my (fake) brother. We are staying at this baller hotel downtown where I can look out over the city as I type this. I would say this is the land of the beautiful people, but I think it’s really just land of the ok looking people in really expensive clothes.

My return to vegetarianism lasted three days. I was lost to a $50 steak dinner. Who could blame me? I also had some sort of weird gingerbread dessert that was such a unique and surprising sensation that I had to consciously stop myself from trying to have sex with it at the dinner table. So I took in the back and had sex with it.

Its been good to hang with my bro. He’s getting married soon and as someone who has no idea what a successful marriage looks like, I’ve been giving him lots of unsolicited advice.

My business idea as a Pet Assassin has been well received. I gotta get someone to start sketching out appropriately menacing business card ideas.

My Secret Vegetarian Backstory for anyone who cares

Most who know me would agree that me being a vegetarian is a highly unlikely scenario. Here is the brief, but unavoidably gay back story on why I became a vegetarian in the first place.

One day at work, in an effort to eat a little healthier me and my partner Mike decided to get vegie burgers for lunch, then we got busy with calls and then at about eight o'clock I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd gone a whole day without eating meat. So I just decided to stop eating meat. Originally I didn't have a goal or anything, I just wanted to see if I felt any different. After awhile I decided that knowing that Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family, and I would want to participate in the gluttony as fully as I am capable, I made Thanksgiving my deadline.

So never to be satisfied with doing something just for the sake of doing it, I decided to make this a social experiment too. I started by dividing up my family and friends into groups and seeing how long I could keep them in the dark about my decision to go meatless. Of course my work friends knew almost immediately and I told my roommate because he has been a vegie off and on his whole life and I needed tips. But I was able to keep my family from finding out until the day we were actually driving to have Thanksgiving weekend with the rest of the family. That is pretty good considering that I had dinner out with my parents twice and managed to order vegetarian food without being noticed.

Hey, I told you this whole thing was pretty gay.

I am tolerant, shut your stupid face

2010-11-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

Everyone has an opinion about this, but theirs have less hot dog references than mine, so they’re not as good.

Let’s say that a group of hot dog vendors got together and formed a club. They were all different ages, races and religions but they were unified nevertheless. To be in this club you not only have to be a hot dog vendor, but you also have to hate America, and subscribe to the idea that all hot dog vendors should hate America. So this very small club just happens to get motivated enough to do something about their hatred, they take over a bunch of planes and crash them into buildings killing thousands of innocent Americans.

Even if none of the other millions of hot dog slingers in the world were on board with the whole “I hate America” thing, like it or not, the crazy rogue terrorist hot doggers represent them.

Even if it were years later, wouldn’t it be insensitive to the families of the victims of the great anti-American hot dog massacre to build say, a hot dog museum anywhere near where it happened?

Subrversive and Protect

2010-11-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

I figured I should record this stuff for posterity, like for when the inevitable question is asked, “Mommy, why does grandpa just stare out the window and giggle to himself all day?”

At this point, I have been forced to take a job as a Paramedic/Security guard at a Steel Mill. I thought it was going to be pretty cool, what with all the horrible huge, dirty, red-hot metal thingies flying around here. I thought I’d be sure to see some new and inventive ways for people to hurt themselves. Alas, these drunk rednecks are actually pretty safe, so I just sit around for hours at a time waiting for the impalements and crush injuries that never come.

The worst part is that the bosses have noticed we seem to have a lot of extra time on our hands and have really pushed us to embrace our security guard roles. So I spend a good deal of my time harassing people who are just trying to do their jobs for paperwork or to wear the proper hat for wherever they happen to be. On top of that, they took away my internet (obviously I got around that, as I type this at work) book or magazine reading, and any sort of other fun ways to occupy our time.

Keeping all that in mind, here are some things I’ve done at work to keep my mind from exploding due to boredom

1. Composed a very long Powerpoint presentation over quite a few shifts that included things like:

a zombie hierarchy, “regular zombie, zombie leader, zombie cop, zombie dog, french zombie, etc”
charts and supporting data reasoning why bears are actually much more swashbuckly than pirates or cowboys
comics that I painstakingly drew in Paint illustrating important facts such as “Dinosaurs can’t breathe in space” and “Robots hate figure skaters”

2. Written a memo for internal use that included the use of the phrase “butt fucked” no less than three times. Bonus: the memo was about the use of carpet runners over an area rug.

3. Had a discussion with my new supervisor, who is making all the policies I find so disagreeable, which included the following dialogue:

“You know that memo I wrote about people needing to change their attitudes?”

“yeah”

“I wrote that about you”

“oh”

and also

“Do you have a problem with me?”

“No, I have a problem with this job”

“And what is that?”

“This isn’t the job I accepted. I’m not a security guard, I’m a paramedic. The thing you need to understand is that unlike the security guards, paramedics tend to be A-type personalities.”

“I understand that.”

“I don’t know if you do, because paramedics’ tolerance for bullshit is minimum. And as A-type personalities, we tend to think that stupid rules do not apply to us”

“is that so?”

“Well… it is for me.”

“I get it, you’re a firefighter, you save lives every day, girls love you, and this job is boring. By the way, I found your powerpoint…”

“…” (looking innocent, because I wasn’t going to take credit of it, it didn’t have my name anywhere on it. And I had left it on the desktop inncuously labeled “Awesomest Powerpoint ever” right next to all the other presentations we use for training. I knew it was going to be discovered eventually, when most of the guards couldn’t wait to check it after I’d had a shift)

“You’re just…very proud of yourself” she said while actually smiling at me.

I just shrugged my shoulders, and she left. Ever since then we’ve actually had a good working relationship, meaning I show up on time and she pretty much leaves me alone. I guess I just had to prove to her that I really am as awesome as I think I am. Also I found it funny that she deleted my Powerpoint, but she took the time to print it out and put it in her mailbox. I had to wonder if that was because she liked it, or to use it as evidence against me later. From now on, all my clandestine writing on the work computer is password protected.

The Nickelback System of Love

2010-10-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

I don't want this thing to become about dating, or god-forbid my love life. But I've had some interesting conversations since my last post. Most of those conversations that weren't about which animals are the most racist were about dating. And I've come up with a few theories that I would like to share, or stolen a few theories and claimed they were my own that I would like to share.

Recently I was talking with a friend of mine, we'll call her Laura, we were discussing why we could never get two of our friends James and Janine to hook up. Basically it came down to what a person's worth is when it came to dating. When we say "Janine is out of James' league" or "Janine is way too good for James" I felt like we had to quantify what "too good" meant based on some objective criteria. So I came up with a system.

I'd actually been working on this system for a long time, it kind of developed when I was trying my hand at internet dating. And before I present this, I want to clarify that this isn't my system for picking a woman, this is just a list of the most simplified and shallow categories that I think all single people take into account when sizing up a potential romance.

Here's how it works, if you're a man or lady person out there looking for love, you either get a point for each category or you don't.
1. In Shape
2. Employed
3. Demonstrable skill
4. Doesn't smoke
5. Doesn't have kids

Now that I've pissed everyone off, I need to reiterate that these are not the definitive list of things people need or should have in order to find love. My little system here doesn't take a lot of factors into account, things like personality, body odor or one's proclivity for talking to stuffed animals. In fact, most people in their thirties are not 5/5 or "fivers" as I am calling them, and that's ok. I'm sure not a fiver, and I definitely don't expect the women I date to be fivers. Breaking it down...

1. In Shape. This could also just be broadened into the looks category. Looks is one of those early on, yes or no kind of things. It can kill a relationship before it even starts. And to get the point for this category you don't have to be a model, or have six pack abs. And while I said earlier this is an objective system, in actuality its all relative. To put it bluntly, if she is thin and you are fat, she gets a point, and you do not. Which pretty much sums up my current relationship, but moving on...

2. Employed. Pretty straight forward. And I will point out, in my own sexist way that I think this little point is much more important for women than it is for men, but either way its something we both take into account.

3. Demonstrable skill. Everyone may think they have this, but they are painfully wrong. Really this category is just unfair. I need to make it very clear, this is not "I can fix your computer" or "I make a killer brisket" this is more like "I'm the lead singer in a band" or "I'm a ballerina" or "professional kickboxer." It's a stupid thing to base a relationship on, nevertheless it really seems to get things moving in that direction.

4. Doesn't smoke. Pretty straightforward. Even people who smoke don't want to date smokers. Because it's stupid and gross.

5. Doesn't have kids. Ok, everybody calm the hell down! I know that in this context kids are portrayed as a negative, and I know that all the mothers and fathers out there love their kids and wouldn't trade them for anything, even a jetpack. But let's be honest, even if you have rugrats of your own, you're probably not looking to go out there and take somebody else's little projects on as your own.

So, getting back to why Janine can clearly do better than James. Janine has a professional job, is is in decent shape, doesn't smoke and doesn't have kids. James is in terrible shape, is unemployed, is socially awkward, and smokes. No matter how smart he is or what nice hair James has, a 4/5 has no business being with a 1/5. If he was a 3 he would be fine, and even a really good 2 might be able to pull it off, but not a 1. So James continues being lonely and bitter, and a big fat stupid 1.

If you find yourself going "Aw, poor James," just stop it right now. James has to do very little to get back into this game. James gets a job, stops smoking, and BAM he's right back in there. Maybe James picks up his guitar and goes down to open mic night at the Beanery and rocks the house with his rendition of Sweet Caroline, if he does really well maybe some poor naive 3 might give him the benefit of the doubt. You never know with 3s, they have the power to shock you.

I'm a 3 and I don't think anyone was more shocked that I was dating my girlfriend than she was.

Love in the Time of the Undead

2010-09-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

"They say when God closes a door, He opens a window. And sometimes, that window is nicer, taller, and way smarter and hotter than that stupid bitch of a door" - Me

Dating in your thirties is weird. It's really not any less cripplingly awkward than I remember it being when I was in my twenties, but it's different. There are some interesting things I've learned during my short semi-successful foray back into the dating game, some of them good, some of them not so good. So one cool thing I've noticed is that girls in their thirties (yes, I'm still calling them girls, I think it's cute when I say it, but it also might be part of the reason I'm only "semi" successful in the dating game) have stopped looking for that bad boy they can rehabilitate into the charming prince. Which is really good for me because I am neither a bad boy nor a prince.
One recent glaring exception to this idea is Sandra Bullock and her thing with notorious bad boy Jesse James. Everyone is freaking out about him cheating on her, like it was some kind of huge surprise. I'm sorry, but who saw him and did not think he was a complete dirtbag? The only thing that is surprising about this whole thing, is how surprised women seem to be by it. So I guess some things never change, no matter how intelligent and clever a woman might be, there just might be a small part of her that still wants to date the guy in the band, or the criminal, or the motorcycle mechanic.
On the flip side, I am finding that while that small part is still there, it seems to be a much smaller part. Where girls were once like, "I want a guy who plays lead guitar, and drives a Trans Am" now they're more like "Oh wow, you can string together a few coherant sentences and you can do a pushup or two!?"Remember that show "My So-Called Life?" Everybody loved that show, I hated it, and because of that show I still hate Jared Leto. Everybody loved that show because apparently it was SO realistic. And that is exactly my problem with it, I was in high school when it was out, and I didn't want to watch a show where people were pretending to do the same stupid things I was doing in real life everyday. There was a character on that show played by the hateful Jared Leto, I think his name was Jordan or Brandon or some other vaguely gay popular kid name. Well anyway, the main character on that show played by Claire Danes was this intelligent, bright, totally attractive and complex girl. All throughout the show she was totally in love with this Jordan character who was an idiot. When they wrote the show they purposefully made it clear he is an idiot, and she is unapologetically in love him.

"Sometimes the only thing that comforts me when I lie awake at night, is knowing that some day Jared Leto will be dead"

The few episodes I was able to stomach came around the same time that I was gathering up the courage to ask this girl to prom. I'd been friends with her for a year or so, and I'm sure it was obvious to everyone that I was crazy about her. Well anyway the day finally came where we were alone long enough for me to toss it out there while I was driving her home "So, Sarah (that's her real name, she deserves to be recognized and punished for this) will you go to the Prom with me?" A long, long silence ensues. "No..."
"No?"
"No, I can't (insert long explanation about how I should ask another girl)"
Like our Claire Danes character, Sarah was a bright, beautiful girl, and about as complex as one can be when you go to a high school that has problems filling both the "Valedictorian" and "Salutatorian" slots at the graduation ceremony. The truth was, she was holding out hope that this football playing, pot smoking cretin that had been hanging out in our circle of friends would ask her. I asked her once much later on what she saw in him, she said "he was mysterious," to which my best friend Darren said "Sarah, still waters do not always run deep." Which I've always thought was a brilliant summation.
It seems the general consensus is that women are soulful and guys are shallow, and I understand where that idea comes from, but I think it gets played up a bit too much. I watched a reality show where they paired up couples based on some vague sense of compatibility. One of the couples was a guy in his thirties who was this well built, healthy guy and since the date included rock-climbing he was able to show off his athleticism. His date seemed nice enough, but she was pretty heavy set and as such, did not fair so well on the rock wall. The couple seemed to have a good time on their date, but it was obvious they weren't really going anywhere romantically. At the end of the date they were interviewing the couples and when the guy came up you could tell he knew what he was in for. He tried his best to be politically correct, but whoever was interviewing him off camera kept pushing until they got what they needed, finally he gave in "Yeah well, I would say that she wasn't really my type, you know physically..." still the invisible interviewer pressed, and he reluctantly answers "Well, I guess her figure was kind of a turn off" and at that the camera goes to the three friends who've been watching the whole time who errupt into boos and hisses at him. I mean, how dare he!? What an outrageously shallow bastard, right?
While I was watching this, I kept thinking, "they are so going to dick this guy for not being into the chubby chick" and I was so right, The thing that gets me about this is that he could have said anything else about that girl; her feet stank, she had a lisp, she was dumb, she had a bad personality and nobody would have beat him up for it. But he makes a comment on her appearance, mind you, one of the few things she can actually do something about and everyone goes crazy. So is he really the shallow one in this equation?
I don't mean to imply that guys aren't shallow, because we totally are. I could go on, but my little column here is about things I've learned, and I always knew that guys were shallow. So moving on.
This part is just for my stupid roommate, who doesn't think zombies are funny or relavent anymore, and I think that might be a good reason why he is still single. I don't want to say that women consciously think "How would this guy fare in the zombie apocalypse?" but it's definitely in there somewhere way down deep in the subconscious part of our brains that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the robot apocalypse is an "if" while the zombie apocalypse is a "when." The same idea could be passed onto a general evolutionary instinct to look for a mate that is compatible with long-term survival, but that's way boring unless we're using that logic to justify why guys love huge breasts.
But I really think that whatever value I may have in the dating scene might directly correlate to my value in the zombie apocalypse. I am a big guy, I am in good enough shape to be able to run a few miles without stopping, and I can fix household appliances. No matter what horrors await me in the coming apocalypse, I know that my toilet will still work, and that kind of thing is important to the modern classy single lady.

Musn't Love Dogs

2010-09-05T22:50:00.000-07:00

They say that dogs can sense evil, and I believe them. And it's not because I have any special affection for dogs. In fact, I don't even like dogs. A lot of people in my life have accused me of hating dogs and pets in general which is not the case. I think I summed up my position pretty clearly when I recently put it this way: Pets, to me are a lot like homeless people; I don't hate them or wish them any special ill will, I just really don't want them in my house touching my stuff.
So when I say that I think dogs really can sense evil, its not to further along any agenda I have about dogs being good or bad, or better than cats or whatever; it's just a conveinent notion for me. If dogs are an acceptable diagnostic tool to figure out who is or is not evil, I'm going to try and take advantage of that. So even though I don't particularly like dogs, I find myself going out of my way every once in a while to be around them. Every time I do it, I think I get at least a small glimpse of what people who have just taken a blood test for some horrible disease feel right before they get their results. When I go over to one of my stupid dog-friend's houses, I find myself subconsciously psyching myself up before I go in and have to face my accuser. As if I could somehow pull myself over from the dark side by sheer will.
So far every time I've subjected myself to this test, I've been happy with my results. No dog has ever taken specific offense to me, and usually they seem to like me, which leads me to believe that while dogs may be able to sense evil, they cannot sense anti-dog people.

Post Traumatic French Fry Overdose

2010-08-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

So in keeping with my tradition of documenting my huge embarrassing failures. After two years of school with relentless studying, testing, and evaluations all passed, if not with flying colors, at least passed without severe emotional trauma. Until now. I had my very last Paramedic test yesterday, the most important test yet. And I failed.

I did pretty well in school. I was in at least the top 75% of my class, haha. Its weird to have my first real college degree in Paramedic science, but still not be an actual Paramedic. After school is over, you have to pass two tests to be certified as a medic. Before this test, I'd already passed the written knowledge test.

This test is a practical test, where you have to demonstrate actual skills in the appropriate order. I had to demonstrate 15 different skills. Some of the skill stations I was pretty comfortable with, and some of them I was more nervous about. All in all, I felt like I was prepared. Nervous, but prepared.

Well after eight hours mostly spent waiting to go into the testing rooms, I can't say I was feeling very confident. My saving grace was knowing that if I'd only failed a few of the stations, that I was allowed a second chance at those stations. Finally when the results finally came, it turned out that I'd failed two stations. One of them I knew immediately what I'd done wrong, and was ready to correct my mistake of administering one drug, and saying it was an entirely different drug (don't let this scare you people in the public, I'm usually pretty good at this stuff, and almost never kill my patients) The other skill I failed was cardiology.

I thought I was good at cardiology, until two days before the test when I was practicing and started struggling. I spent some extra time studying and managed to make myself believe that I had my mojo back. Well I didn't I guess. The first time I tested at that station, I actually felt confident. The second time I went up to test, I completely fell apart.

They hand you these sheets with cardiac rhythm strips and ask you what you would do. Four cards, four different patients. When I went up the second time, I just sat there staring at the sheet, sweating, mumbling to myself about things like P to R intervals, and sinus rhthyms and whatnot, and just panicked. I managed to finish, somehow, but I knew it wasnt my best work.

After another hour or so of waiting for my results, still sweating the lady came down and gave the rest of my class their result. Everyone passed, except one. Me.

The worst thing was I rode over to the test with three of my friends, who were all struggling not to show their elation at finally being done. They're good friends. I could tell that they were bottling up their joy for my benefit. I kept telling them that I was proud of them, and that they should be happy. But they stayed mellow, and I stayed mad at the world.

So, as usual, I am struggling to find the lesson here. I guess what I'm thinking is that if nothing else, it keeps me humble. I worked hard to get through school, but it had come relatively easy to me. This setback is making me more determined. When I went home and tried to drown my sorrows in an extraordinary amount of french fries, I started focusing on the next two weeks. Before my next test, I am going to be the world's foremost leading expert on cardiology static strips. Maybe one day, because of my newfound motivation I can help somebody I wouldn't have been able to before. How's that for some positivity?

Sorry this isn't a funnier post, or better written but my sister always tells me I should write more. And I figure this is a good place to vent, and recenter my chi.

I know it isn't healthy, but I tend to few my accomplishments as big fat middle fingers in the faces of those who tore me down. But I view my failures as just another kick in the crotch by the same people who took away everything I once loved.

My Coffee Pot is a Liar

2010-01-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

So my roommate Darren rarely drinks coffee. His dad recently came over to visit us and saw that I had bought a new coffee maker. Darren's dad even made a comment about it because it was the cheapest coffee maker ever and doesn't even have automatic shut-off. So basically it's a coffee maker/house fire starter. I didn't even know that they made coffee makers without automatic shut off anymore. How much could that tiny little addition really add to the cost? I used to work in electronics so I'll tell you how much, probably less than $0.25 including additional programing cost per unit.
So for Christmas what does Darren's dad give him, knowing that Darren doesn't drink coffee and that I recently bought a new coffee maker? A brand new coffee maker. This rant really isn't supposed to be about Darren's dad's motivation for buying his son presents that are so useless to him it borders on taunting. This rant is about our new coffee maker, which is in use if for no other reason than it is cool looking and it actually does have an automatic shut off and if I was to burn Darren's house down with the coffee pot he didn't even want, I would feel a little bad.
The stainless steel coffee pots look so cool, I was really pretty excited about it initially. But now that I've had a few days to use it, I gotta say it's pretty retarded. The stainless steel looks expensive and classy and the pot is heavy because, well, it's made of bloody metal, unlike my old cheap ass pot which was made of nice, light, see-through glass. So when I've been drinking coffee all morning and I keep picking up that heavy pot thinking that there's plenty of coffee left in it, and it turns out to be empty, it feels like I've been deceived. And that makes me angry. So I take it out on Darren.

Personal Note
I am so sore. I limped my way into class this morning thinking "This is ridiculous. If I would just be the tiniest bit consistent about my workouts and lifestyle I wouldn't have to go through this every few months, I just need to dedicate myself to the idea that I am going to have a lifestyle centered around health... or just give up entirely and go for the coveted title of World's Fattest Man." I am getting too old for this get in shape for summer, and get super fat over the Winter and Holidays.
I am actively looking for a job for when I get done with school and I know that there are going to be physical fitness tests that I need to excel at. I am trying to use that, to really motivate me. So far it's been a slow start to my lifestyle change, but I feel like I've got a more permanent and therefore, healthier attitude about the future.
Today was Kid's Day in school, which means I spent most of the morning just coloring and making conversation with a bunch of toddlers, occasionally taking the time to get a blood pressure or listen to breath sounds. I pretend to hate it, but it's actually pretty uplifting. It did make me miss my kids though.

I Am the King of Apathy Mountain

2010-01-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

Rants
Why is it rude if I'm on the phone with someone, and say my roommate walks in and I interrupt my conversation with whoever I'm on the phone with (we'll call her Janice) to say "Hey dude, did you pick up some more cereal? Because we've been out for like two months and I am craving me some Lucky Charms." But it's perfectly ok for someone (we'll still call her Janice) to be talking to me and every few minutes she will interrupt the conversation to talk all cutsey to her cat or dog?
A better question is, why is it more rude for me to interrupt our conversation talk to an actual sentient coherant person who can undestand what the hell I am saying and may, possibly offer some beneficial feedback, compared to Janice who might as well be interrupting me to talk to a pillow or toaster.

I bought my parents one of those digital photo frames for Christmas. I even had the foresight to load a bunch of pictures of the family on it, because I was worried that they would just look at it think it's too hard to work, and put it out in the garage. It's actually really easy to use, and I think it's a pretty amazing little invention. All it does is display pictures, and it does it beautifully.
The other day I went over to visit my parents, and I noticed that the frame was still on the bookshelf, and my dad had gone to all the trouble of running the power cable behind the furniture, but the frame itself was off. I was on my way out and nobody was home, so I just went over and pushed the button to turn it back on.
A couple days later I came back to the house and again, the stupid picture frame was off again. This time my mom was watching TV out in the living room and so I asked her "Do you turn this off?"
"Yes" she looked at me quizzically
"You know it's not a TV, you can just leave it on all the time"
"But...it uses power"
"Well, yes mom, but it uses very little, and it's like a picture, it's just there to show off pictures."
"Well, your father doesn't like it on all the time."
"Ugh"
This is just like when I had to explain to them that half the reason to have a cell phone is to have it on. For the longest time my mom would carry her cell phone (Dad refused to get one) in her purse turned off. Which is a little nutty I know, but the worst part is that she would occasionally call me from it, asking some question on my voicemail, and if I missed the call, there was no calling her back. It seemed as soon as she finished her conversation she would hang up and immediately power down the phone and put it back in her purse. In frustration I would usually end up leaving a voicemail on the house phone, which she would call me back from, completely bewildered as to why I sounded so frustrated on the answering machine.
"Mom, just leave the cell phone on"
"It runs down"
"Since you never call anyone, it should take days to run down"
"But then I have to charge it"
"Yes, that is why you have the plug in at the house"
"But....that uses power"
"Ugh"

Personal Update
School started again. It's been tough to get excited about it, but I am doing ok. I hit the gym for the first time in weeks again yesterday, so I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow. I am writing this on my lunch at school, so I am going to go before I misuse any more commas.

2010: it's gonna get weird people

2010-01-03T22:31:00.000-08:00

First; Some Random Thoughts

Of course the 80's were awesome. We didn't have facebook, and email and twittering to distract us from all the awesome things we could do with our clothes, hair and music.

There are three stories I probably don't want to hear unless it directly references me somehow. The story about your dog. The story about your kid. And the story about the dream you had last night.

I think my favorite reference book that sounds like a dinosaur is Thesaurus.

Second; Something Personal

Well the great race to see how much weight I can gain before the new year is officially over. I have to say, I'm a little relieved. Eating all that fast food was getting expensive, and doing some serious damage to my ego. I am actually looking forward to getting back into the gym and eating healthy again. Of course I say that now...
One thing I am definitely not looking forward to is school. Oh man, I was going over my schedule tonight and I almost had an anxiety attack, and I haven't even had my first day back yet. I am really trying to be positive about this term, but it's hard right now.

New Year's Resolutions:
I need to get something set in stone, but I'm just not ready yet. Here's a list of areas that I would like to cover:

Fitness/Weight
Doing more hobbies like martial arts, skateboarding and so on
Reading for pleasure more
Writing on this thing
Writing my bucket list on Jott.com (one of the most helpful websites ever)

I will think of more later. So on that note, I will have my Resolutions planned by the beginning of next week. Hopefully once all this junk food is out of my system I will be a littel more clear headed.

Goings On and On and on

2009-12-24T12:58:00.000-08:00

On Religion

God is like my grandpa in Cleveland. I know he's out there, and even though I never hear from him, I am pretty sure he still loves me.

If the God of the Bible is real, he sure doesn't seem to understand people very well. I mean, ok so he sacrificed his perfect son for all of man kind -- two thousand years ago. And I'm supposed to feel the same about it, that the people who actually witnessed this happening did? That's like saying, "Your great great grandpa loved you so much, that he gave his son a car long before you were ever born. Of course you don't get to see the car, or drive it or anything, but I wrote a book all about it. So you should totally understand how much great great grandpa loves you."

I understand the Bible is written by story tellers. Some of them were better than others. But I still have a problem with so many of the stories not making a lick of sense. For instance in Genesis, Jacob is in the middle of this trip, sort of a redemption story, and it's pretty good. But there is one part that throws me. One night when Jacob is walking along the river, he meets an angel and then he wrestles with the angel all night long, and in the morning, the angel pokes his hip and turns it, basically giving Jacob a painful hip and a limp for the rest of his life. I've read this story a bunch of times and I always hope that somehow later on in the story this will all be explained, but it never happens. They even bring it up later in the Bible in Hosea, but they basically just clarify that the crazy wrestling angel was Michael.
So I don't know about you, but let's say I meet an angel when I'm out walking around. I don't think my first instinct would be to tackle him and try to wrestle him into submission. And there are many reasons for this, first of all, I'm pretty sure that most, if not all celestial beings could kick my ass. Second, I think angels probably have a lot of cool stories, and I'd want to hear those stories, which are hard to listen to when you're trying to put a cherub in an arm-bar.
Ok, and they wrestled all night? All night? Really? Because I've wrestled for five minutes before and I was exhausted for the rest of the day, and I think I'm in pretty good shape. And here's the kicker; I was wrestling a person, not one of the heavenly host.
And the coup de grace here is that after the angel gets bored of rolling around in the dirt with Jacob he just pokes him in the hip with his finger "turning it," which I guess means he dislocated it. I've never dislocated my hip before, but I've had patients who have, and that looks painful as hell. What was the angel trying to prove here? Is it like when I used to arm wrestle my dad and he would pretend to struggle for a little while and then just as my confidence was beginning to build, he would slam my arm down? The angel sounds like kind of a dick here.
In the grand scheme of story telling, this seems pretty far fetched and worthless info. Because as near as I can tell, none of this had any real impact on Jacob. After this passage he pretty much goes back to what he was doing. I'm sure he had to limp there though.

Don't even get me started on Moses.

On Medicine

People like to think Doctor's know everything. Doctors do know a lot, but all that schooling is pretty much just to make them better at guessing. Did you know that modern medicine still doesn't know why we need to sleep? They know a lot about what happens when we do sleep, but there isn't a good explanation why those things don't just naturally happen as we go through our day. Right now the way that we explain how muscles work is till considered a "theory," we're not even sure about that! It wasn't that long ago that people actually figured out what germs were. All I'm saying is that the learning curve is pretty steep when it comes to our bodies and doctors are still figuring out things all the time. But try not to be so shocked when you go to the hospital and the doctor gives you a long list of things that might be wrong with you, instead of just telling you what you have. He's just guessing.

On Pets

Pets to me are like homeless people. I'm not mean to them or anything, but I just don't want them in my house touching my stuff.

On Book Titles

The other day I noticed a book Crazy for the Storm. I read the insert and it is indeed a story about a guy was involved in a storm. The book title really bothered me though. Couldn't they have called it Storm Crazy, or Trapped on Storm Mountain, or Crazy because of the Storm? I haven't read this book yet, so maybe it gets clarified somewhere in there, but I doubt it.
I read this other book not that long ago called White Teeth. It was a good book, but nevertheless it had nothing to do with white teeth. In fact I don't think teeth were ever even mentioned in it. It was a story about two families in wartime London. No teeth talk, at all.
So I came up with this theory that maybe all the good book titles have been taken, and since you can't really write a book and call it War and Peace, or Gone with the Wind and hope nobody notices that you've ripped off a classic, authors have been reduced to what horse trainers do with race horses. Since horse's names are registered, and you can't register the same name twice, all the normal names like Jared, and Snowball got used up in like five minutes, so now horse people come up with crazy names like Captain Sunshine of the Forgotten Ape People. Which would be both an awesome book and an awesome horse name.

A Look-How-Funny-I-am Story for My Sister

2009-10-14T02:38:00.000-07:00

I had to study until 2:30 in the morning tonight because we had case reviews that wasted our whole evening. Case reviews are these meetings we have with our sister department where we talk about certain calls we've had over the past month or so. These might be cases where we did something very well, and often they are cases where we've done something very wrong. Tonight's meeting was more or less benign.
But near the end of our meeting our Medical Director, a crazy physician that only wears kilts and army boots (not making this up) started talking about the new rules that say Paramedics are going to be allowed to give vaccines. This is all built around the big push to get everyone vaccinated against the H1N1 Flu virus (more commonly known as "Swine Flu") He gave us some good info and background into the politics behind the vaccine, the company that produces it and the PR around getting everyone dosed up. I won't go into it here, but it's all shady, and I won't be taking the vaccine.
The point here, is that near the end, our Medical Director a very serious man (despite the kilt and army boots) asked if there were any questions. There were some comments from the peanut gallery about who is and isn't going to take the vaccine and finally I raised my hand. When the doctor called on me I said, "As a Physician, what do you believe the chances are that this vaccination will eventually lead us into the zombie apocalypse?" Everyone laughed, and to that I said "You can't tell me you all weren't thinking the exact same thing!"
The end.

The Insanity Begins

2009-10-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

So I fizzled out on Body for Life...again. I was doing good, and then school ended, and I realized that I wanted to cram as much fun and debauchery into the four weeks I had for vacation before starting Paramedic school.
That mission was accomplished. I managed to go on a few cool dates (more on that later), went camping, hung out at the river, drank A LOT of beer, played some videogames and saved some babies and kittens. All this summer fun crammed into four weeks.
So now that school has started, I've decided I needed a change up on my workouts. One night me and Brett were sitting up in the Fire Station talking about working out and in the background there was an infomercial playing about some fitness videos that we kept getting distracted by. It's called Insanity, and it's like the next P90x or whatever. Brett was like "I would do that,"
"really?"
"well, yeah. But I am not paying $105 for the DVDs"
"If I get them, will you do this program with me?"
"...uh, yeah I guess"
So yeah, I made some internetting happen and I got us some perfectly legitimate copies of the workout series. On Sunday we had to do the Physical Fitness test. So we all gathered down in the fire engine bays and set up my little laptop with speakers and we went to work. It wasn't long before we were all laying sweat-soaked, groaning and panting on the cold concrete floor. It was brutal.
Anyways, it's late and I am doing this because I promised my sister I would start keeping up with this again, and I think it's important. I love you sis (and the rest of my family and friends who read this)

4 Weeks Progress

2009-08-04T15:17:00.001-07:00

Here are the pictures from last Friday. They don't show a whole lot of difference to me, but I know that my clothes fit better, and that I've lost about eleven pounds. They say the biggest changes take place after the first month, so I'm looking forward to that.

Reading from the Good Book

2009-08-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

Today just to get myself motivated I started reading my Body for Life book again. It's amazing how inspirational some of the stories are, even though I've already read them at least ten times already. I also find myself thinking about the people in my life, and how I think some of those stories would really speak to them. I've learned by now that people need to find the will on their own to really make a change, and I am hoping that by accepting and ultimately completing this challenge that I will be able to lead by example. Once I have completed this first challenge, I am going to really start "preaching the gospel," to some of the people I care about that I think could really benefit from the Body for Life program.
I have four week pictures that I was going to upload today, but the batteries in my camera are dead, and so I have to charge them up. They should be posted tomorrow.

Back In Action

2009-08-03T00:27:00.000-07:00

I had a great birthday. I ended up taking basically two days off from training and dieting, and I could totally feel it today when I was running. It felt like I started over from scratch. Like my body was saying "Whew, I'm glad we're done with all that exercising nonsense, back to slug land," and then I just shocked it back to life by running my balls off on the treadmill.

I got a new tattoo for my birthday. And I was looking at some of the pictures of me while I was getting it. Some of them were actually kind of encouraging but the ones of me with my shirt off definitely showed me that I have a lot of work left to do. My abdominal section is still flabby as all get out, but my arms have definitely showed improvement. Hopefully the tattoo will give me another good reason to hit the gym hard.

Adventures
I made a pledge to myself that while I was going to get through the 12 weeks of Body for Life, I wasn't going to let it totally dominate my time and ruin my summer. I knew I was going to have to be careful and plan my diet around some of the activities I wanted to do. I have had a really eventful and fun summer so far, even with all my responsibilities.

A Day in the Life...

2009-07-31T00:06:00.000-07:00

Here is a quick summary of my day today.
Got up way too early this morning to go to rescue class, but I was psyched because I knew we were going to cut up cars.
Got to rescue class and had to scrounge through piles and piles of old turnouts (firefighter gear) because nobody told us we should bring our own. So I ended up wearing mismatched and ill-fitting gear all morning long.
Cut up a bunch of cars with cool tools like the jaws of life and the sawzall, even got to cut up an old ambulance. Learned a lot about auto-extrication. Sweated a lot in my jacked up gear in the blazing sun. Grabbed a quick lunch after class.
Went to ridiculous Intro to Computers class where I found out I did the wrong assignment. Had a talk with my hippy teacher after class and played the birthday card so she'd forgive me for missing homework and doing the wrong homework. Totally worked.
Headed out to work because I was on shift today. As soon as I walked in the door we all got called out to a field fire. Had to jump into my wildland gear even though I was still sweaty from Rescue Class. Jumped into the truck with Wes and buzzed out to the fire.
Me and Wes were some of the first to arrive in the Squad (small truck with a pump and hose set up) so we drove out into the field that was on fire and I jumped out grabbed the hose and hustled along side the truck putting out the fire. My first real fire!
Got back to the station and had to clean up everything. Then I was told that I was going out to the local fair/rodeo to work as an EMT in the first aid booth. Got dressed up in my new pants and boots and headed out to the rodeo.
Watched an awesome rodeo full of minor accidents that really didn't need too much attention from me. Put a band-aid on a pretty girl who got a rope-burn. Talked a lot of shit with my fellow EMTs working the rodeo.
After the rodeo there was a concert, some minor Country star that I can't remember. Did a lot of people watching (checking out girls) Drove around a lot in the Gator (golf-cart like thing) for no reason other than it was fun.
Went on the Zipper with Moon, the biggest guy in the department. We definitely did not meet the weight and size standards for that ride, but the carny didn't care, he just rammed us in there and we were off. Pretty sure I went from "this is a terrible idea" to "that was the best idea I ever had" in a few short moments. Screamed and laughed a lot.
Concert and fair over. Headed back to the station. Beat. Awesome day.

Week 4 Begins with a Hangover

2009-07-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

I guess if I am going to blog on my days off, I should probably do it in the morning, because they have a way of getting away from me. Yesterday I went to my friend's baby shower/luau/bbq. It was all very wholesome and family friendly, in fact I think I when I showed up I was the only single person there, which is always so much fun. But as the night wore on and the grandparents and older folk began to disperse, the beer and assorted adult beverages began to flow more liberally. My friend (who I've decided to call Lacey) showed up and kept me company, so that I didn't have to feel like too much of an outcast amongst the seas of couples. We had lots to drink and eat, and it was a good night, but I was definitely a little slow moving this morning.
I really had to fight to maintain my diet today, for some reason nothing sounded better than getting some Taco Bell and just veg out in the air conditioning all day. Somehow I conquered that impulse and got through the day.
Tonight I made vegie burgers for dinner. I don't know, but for some reason they've been sounding good, so I decided to go for it. Turns out they are really good. The only problem is that they don't have near enough protein. So I ended up having a handful of almonds with my burger on whole wheat bread with fat-free swiss cheese.

The Parts That Won't be Forgotten

2009-07-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

We got a call to a person who had "overdosed on alcohol" tonight. When I showed up, it turned out to be a painfully young girl. She was drunk, but probably not in any real danger health wise. Her family was there and all very concerned, but her father was angry. We asked him if he wanted us to take her to the hospital, and at first he said no, but then after a minute he reconsidered and was like "yeah, take her to the hospital, do everything you need to do." So we loaded her up and gave her an IV and some anti-nausea medicine. She howled when we gave her the IV. And our medic gave her the talk about all the bad things that could have happened to her because she got so drunk. It was hard for me to concentrate on what was happening because I couldn't help but think about the girls, that I used to look out for, and wonder if anyone is looking out for them now. The one part of my old life that still haunts me at some point everyday are the thoughts of the daughters I no longer have.
That girl is now at the hospital, and she'll be ok. She's obviously on a bad path. I can only hope that this gets her family's attention and they do a better job of protecting her from herself.

Week 3 Comes to a Close

2009-07-24T21:28:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a good week. I just finished a strong leg workout, and my back is feeling really good. This is due no doubt in part to the 2400mg of Ibuprofen I've been taking these last couple of days.
I am at work and I have to get back to my chores, I just didn't want to miss a post. Tomorrow is my friend's baby shower, and it's a barbeque type event, so I plan on gorging on some good (but bad for me) bbq. Yay free day!

Oh yeah, I weighed myself the other day on a whim. I hadn't worked out or anything and it was late in the day, but it looks like I've already lost about eleven pounds. I know a great deal of that is water weight, but it's still really encouraging!

Back Pain is Back

2009-07-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

So I'm still a little high on life from last night. Our patient made it through the night and the outlook isn't great, but it isn't dismal either. I'll take it.
Today I went down to the river with a bunch of the guys to go swimming and to jump off of stuff. I was having a great time, and maybe I've been feeling a little too bullet-proof, because I decided to do a backflip off a rock into the river and when I did it my back locked up again. It has been really painful all day. I made a hasty appointment at my chiropractor and he got me in today. He said that it looks like I just shocked my joints, and that I probably didn't do any real damage. I need to give it time to really heal. Then he said "Yeah, this might mess up your summer." I am not happy to hear that, I don't want to feel like this all summer, hell, I don't want to feel like this next week.
Anyway, I decided once again not to do my workout tonight. I am feeling kind of bad about it, because this is the second workout I've missed and I haven't even been going a month yet. Plus it's an upper-body workout, and that is really where I have been concentrating on getting stronger up until the back injury. I think maybe on my Free Day in the morning if I am feeling good I will try and sneak in a good upper body workout so I don't fall too far off the track here.
I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some steaks for dinner tonight. I definitely ate more than my appropriate servings tonight, but I am not going to be too stingy. Maybe it's all psychological but I feel like I need the meat to rebuild and heal faster. I am also taking an obscene amount of Ibuprofen in the hopes that it gets the inflammation down fast.
Ok, I sound like a spaz again tonight. But I wanted to get this done before I pass out from meat overdose.

A Good Day Not to Die

2009-07-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

Seeing dead people is a part of this job. I think I was pretty prepared for that from the beginning. Being there when they died was harder to deal with. When I was in Iraq and they were just splattered all over the place, it was easier to detach myself from the fact that all that mess was once a person. I haven't been doing this job for very long and I've had my fair share of lost patients.
Tonight I was on a call and when I went in he was awake and talking to me. I was taking his blood pressure and asking him questions when he went out like a light. The team on scene sprung into action, but I have to admit when I was going to work on him that I was thinking "Ah boy, there goes another one."
We went through the whole routine that you always see on TV. We put him down on the floor and I jumped in to do CPR. And I have to say; I fucked him up. If he had one intact rib left after I got done with him, I would be shocked. The other guys took care gettting an EKG and the paddles They shocked him a couple of times while the others pumped him full of cardiac drugs. I'd seen this whole routine before, and while I was punishing his rib cage I wasn't hopefull all our efforts were going to amount to anything except another dead guy, full of drugs and broken ribs.
So, you can imagine my reaction when after the second shock, homeboy started struggling and grunting I was like "Sweet Lord, it's a fucking miracle!"
We got him to the hospital, and he wasn't just alive he was awake. At one point, we were talking to him like we always do, saying things like "Just relax, we are taking you to the hospital, you're going to be ok," He managed to whisper in a very Sam Elliot manner "I'll take your word for it."
When we dropped him off at the hospital and started gathering our stuff, I realized that I don't think I've ever felt that way before.
It's hard to describe, especially when I'm trying to avoid sounding like some kind of touchy, feely hippy. Basically the only thing I can compare it to was Iraq, when we got into intense situations over there I had the same kind of rush, but I always came away from it so angry, full of resentment, and just mad at the world. This was the same kind of rush, but I felt so happy, and so positive, and full of...love. Oh god, I'm a hippy.

Body for Life
It's going good. Tonight I came back full of so much pent up energy that I totally destroyed the HITT cardio routine. I ran about 2.5 miles in 20 minutes, and burned up around 400 calories. As I write this I can still feel my heart pounding. I'm feeling great. Looking forward to an awesome day tomorrow.

Weakest Post Ever

2009-07-21T01:26:00.000-07:00

Missed another post! Almost missed tonight's too. I am going to have to watch myself. I do not want to start slipping already.
Ok, it's almost two in the morning and I have work tomorrow. I did my leg workout tonight, and it went well despite the fact that my back is still a little sore.
Sleepy time.

Weekend Number Two

2009-07-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, I almost missed another day! Being a Body for Life disciple is going to be harder than I thought.

Well, I skipped my first workout. Friday morning I went to my chiropractor because my back just wasn't feeling any better. He really worked me over, and so I was still pretty sore all day. I decided that I wasn't going to push myself, I need to let it heal. I am really paranoid about my back, I don't want to end my career before it really starts.

Ok, well today was free day. I was on shift all day, but I somehow managed to take full advantage. My goodness all this pop is really bloating me already. Back at it tomorrow!

Feats of Modern Evolution

2009-07-17T00:56:00.001-07:00

I remember the first time I ever saw a real whale in the wild. I went on a whale-watching tour out on the Pacific ocean, and after tooling around for a little while in a tiny boat we happened upon a pod of humpback whales. They kept coming to the surface and spouting, and one got so close that I swear I could have reached out and touched it right from the railing. I mostly remember two things about that day; one, whales smell terrible. They smell like rotting sea garbage. And the second thing I remember is that I couldn't get over the idea that something that big, could be alive. They were so massive and powerful, the only thing in my life I could compare it to would've been something like a steam-train.

I also remember when I was in Iraq. We had to go do some training revolved around driving fast and shooting, skills which I'd hoped at the time would be unnecessary. In order to do this type of training, we had to get as far away from people as possible, for obvious reasons. So we drove out into the middle of the desert, and we drove all day. It was literally almost a hundred and ten degrees in the middle of the day, and we just kept driving. At about the fourth hour of puttering a long we came across a herd of camels meandering across our route. There were probably twenty of them, brown ones and white ones and even a couple babies. We had to stop when they crossed our path, and I sat there and watched as a few of them walked right past the front of my humvee.

That day I remember thinking something similar to what I'd felt watching the whales. They were quite large, in fact, up until that point I guess I'd never really taken the time to realize just how big a camel really is. In some domesticated suburban part of my brain, I'd just automatically assigned camels to the "about as big as a horse" category. Turns out they're about a horse and a half. But the thought that really gripped me, as I sat baking in my humvee, is "How are they still alive?" We'd been driving for hours and hadn't seen so much as a tumbleweed, and these animals are somehow able to survive. And somehow thrive, you don't get to be eight feet tall eating sand. That thought stayed with me for a long time, how could such a thing be possible.

Tonight I had that experience again. I went on a call to a care facility, and there is a patient there who needed to be transported via ambulance to the hospital for some non-emergency care. The reason they needed firefighters there is because this guy, that we'll call Clyde, weighs in excess of 1,100 lbs. He is rumored to be the second heaviest man in America.

Working at this firestation I'd heard rumors about Clyde, but I just couldn't imagine what a person that big would be like. I've watched all the shows like, Life in the Obesity clinic, so I figured I had a pretty good grasp on what I would be dealing with. I was wrong, because I wasn't prepared at all for what I would see and have to do.

Clyde was laying on his bed with his legs splayed out, tennis shoes and socks on his feet, while the rest of him was covered only mostly by a sheet. He looked a giant puddle of a person, or maybe a pile of a person would be more accurate. The idea here is that he is like an amorphous blob with a head.

There were about ten of us there, all milling around, trying to get the oversize stretcher and lift system into place in preparation of our move. He seemed to be unaware of what we were there to do as he happily went on playing his videogames.

Finally when one of the medics asked him about the sheet he was laying on, he said "Oh yeah, I'm gonna need a new sheet, this one is soiled." It took a moment for what this really meant to sink in for me. Then he said, "When you roll me, they're going to have to clean me up." By then the horror of reality had caught up with me. He had been sitting there, playing his videogames, for god knows how long stewing in his own filth. He was just waiting for the right opportunity to come along so someone could clean him up. How convenient that I could be there for this.

So we get all our systems in place and about eight of us gather around the bed and pull the sheet down so we can get a better grip on him. His legs, oh my god, his legs. They didn't look like they belonged to a person, but rather maybe a midget elephant with bad circulation. They were huge and lumpy in all the wrong places. And when I put my hands on them I expected it to be like a mushy fleshy feeling, but I was wrong there too because his skin was as tough as what I'd expect a rhinoceros' hide to be like. Apparently his skin, after years of trying just to contain his bulk, had become thick like armor. We give the old heeve-ho, and roll him onto his side, and right then the nurses that had been waiting behind us come darting in with their giant baby wipes. I had been unfortunate to be on the business side of this roll, and I could read no sympathy in the eyes of my lucky compadres who'd chosen to be on the face side of this maneuver.

Now I have a diminished sense of smell, and I have never been more thankful for that fact until tonight. As I tried to concentrate on anything else, vapors still wafted up, so thick, I felt like I could see the stench. Those nurses, god bless'em, did their best, and since I went to my happy place, I have no idea how much progress they really made on cleaning him up, but what I do know is that, everything within four feet of his "business end" had fecal residue on it. The sheets, the stretcher, the harness, and unfortunately even my gloves all received their fair share of the filth.

Clyde treated all of this like it was a walk in the park. When we finally got him loaded, he was very casual, he just asked us to make sure the nurse brought his overnight bag for him, and once we tucked him into the ambulance he was on his merry way.

As I watched the ambulance creep away, I kept thinking, "How can that happen? How can he still be alive? How can something grow to be so huge?"

Too Early to Start Losing Days

2009-07-16T00:20:00.000-07:00

So I missed my first post yesterday. That should be the only time in the next, oh, eleven and a half weeks that happens.

At some point I really torqued my back. Yesterday it was so sore I couldn't participate in some of the drills in my fire academy. There have been a few students in the academy that have had-- how should I put this diplomatically-- "questionable injuries" that prevented them from training with us. I am terrified of being perceived in the same light as those malingerers, so I was really trying to keep up with everyone no matter how much it hurt. It's tough, because I know that if I really hurt myself that is the best way to end my career early, but I also have my pride.

I had a leg workout tonight, and even though my back feels a little better, I really tried to take it easy. I had to drop my weights WAY down, and cut out a few of the more stressful exercises. I am proud of myself for getting my workout in under less than ideal conditions, but I can't say that I have the gym-high that I am really starting to enjoy from my workouts.

Keeping this post short tonight because I am on shift and I need to put my work costume back on.

That Which Lurks Behind the Squat-Racks

2009-07-14T01:00:00.000-07:00

So the other day I touched on subject that is very close to my heart, and that is: douchebags in the gym. Most of the time it's easy for me to ignore the guys who spend one minute lifting for every ten minutes posing and flexing in the mirrors. I'm not hating on them, a lot of them worked really hard to get in the kind of shape that warrants so much self-adoration. But the guys that really get me are the ones that I've come to call "the predators."

There was one guy in particular at my old gym that first earned the monicker that now applies to so many. I was going to the gym pretty regularly at the time, and this guy and I were on about the same schedule. I got to know his workout schedule just because he was around the same machines on any given day. Now he was in great shape, way better than me, and I could tell it came from hard work and consistency. The other consistent thing about this guy is that anytime an attractive woman came into the gym, he would completely abandon his workout routine in order to go use whatever machine happened to be within the line-of-sight of that girl.

I remember watching him do this one time, when some girl came in and went over to some useless piece of equipment that only women use because they think it will sculpt their thighs or something, and all of a sudden that dude was right there next to her, squeezing and sculpting away. That's a predator.

I don't know if he had a followup to this technique of gym-stalking. But I do know that I saw some obvious looks of discomfort on the faces of a few of his victims, and this was one example of many guys who made me hate "gym guys." The gym is bad enough for self-conscious guys, I can't imagine how much confidence it takes for a woman to get in there.

Now granted, there are some women who just live for this kind of attention, and god bless 'em, they get it. But there are a lot of women who do not go to the gym to get leered at, and I hate that sort of treatment might give women another good excuse not to work out.

I am so paranoid about being seen as a "gym guy," that whenever there is a woman in my vicinity at the gym I go out of my way not to notice them. If they're bent over doing dumb-bell rows on the bench next to me, I am sitting with my back to them waiting for them to finish and resume a stance, that couldn't be mistaken for provocative.

I don't know how these guys talk to women, the ladies that aren't there for attention all seem to have their guard up, and yet, still I see these guys approaching them. I'm a pretty gentlemanly sort, but this sort of thing has made me so paranoid I don't even say "excuse me" when I bump into a pretty girl in the gym. I just do the wide eyed, "uh" and quickly shuffle away.

So to all the pretty girls that come into the gym where I work out, that hate getting leered at, and hit on by all the dorks in baseball hats and wife-beaters. From me, and the rest of the non gym-guys: We are glad you are there, please keep coming to the gym. If you want to talk to us, we will be happy to make polite conversation and we promise not to stare down your shirt, or at your butt when you are just trying to get through a good workout. Thank you.

Blatant Overuse of Commas

2009-07-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

Obligatory Plug for Body for Life website
There are some new videos of last year's champions on the website. I watched them and found them to be really motivating. They show Porter Freeman surprising the winners at their houses, and then has short interviews with the champions about Body for Life and their winning philosophies. Ok, I'm quitting now, I sound like a disciple.

Personal
I have this Anatomy and Physiology class that I am trying to get through this summer that is totally killing me. I'd been out of school for years, and it never really bothered me to work during the summer, but for some reason its torturous to study and go to class when it's gorgeous outside. Also since summer term is a little light on schedule options, I have two 4-hour sessions a week. My brain reaches maximum threshold about an hour into every class, and then I just have to endure the next three hours as valuable knowledge just goes floating in and out of my head.
The thing is I have to pass this class. I worked my ass off to get into the Paramedic program in the Fall, and this class is a prerequisite to be allowed into the program.I am having a hard time not settling for the minimum standard. I have been getting awesome grades all year, and I don't want to start settling for C's now. I am going to get through this, I am just really struggling. I keep reminding myself to apply the mental toughness I've learned over the last two years towards "nutting-up and getting it done." That's what it takes, and that attitude is what will get me through the next eleven weeks.

Fitness
So yesterday, I went out with my super awesome sister and ate a ton of sushi for lunch. And later for dinner I had a massive cheeseburger from Carl's Jr. which I could barely choke down. Then I went over to my buddy's house to watch the fights with my brother in law and probably drank four beers. So yes, I took full advantage of my free day.
It's always so hard not to let that become a trend. But I've done a good job today. It's five o'clock, I got my 20-min HITT training in and I've had four good, clean meals. My medic is making dinner tonight, but after a bunch of back and forth about the stipulations of the program it looks like I am going to have a good dinner of chicken, brown rice, and broccoli. And then later tonight I will have a protein shake.

More Personal
I focus a lot of energy into making myself not miss my family, but living at the firehouse sometimes punishes me with imagery and ideas about what my life was and could be like. Tonight my medic's family came in to make us all dinner and hang out. He has two little boys and a girl, and I thought it was so cool for them to come down and spend some time with him and the rest of us. It really made my evening. But it also made me a little sentimental.

Committing Carbicide: My First Free Day

2009-07-11T16:49:00.001-07:00

Almost anyone could make a strong argument that there is nothing good about Budlight Lime in a can, but good lord, these things go down easy. In case it wasn't obvious, I am taking full advantage of my free day on the program. The crazy thing is that even after a short time of having six small meals a day, I get full so quickly and feel full for so long. It seems like my body is trying to keep me from destroying it with too much fast food and beer. Stupid body.

I went and saw the movie Bruno with my sister and her husband. I am pretty sure I knew what I was getting into, but my god, that was an assault on the senses. I forgot how hard it is for me to watch people get embarrassed, and it's even worse when they're not embarrassed when they should be. I realized pretty early on, that I was way too sober to fully appreciate this one, and spent most of the time curled up in my seat cringing.

Tonight I am happy to clear my head of all that crude humor with a bit of good old fashioned violence. I am going to one of my old friend's house to watch UFC100. I am totally stoked about it.

Tomorrow I am back on the program and I am looking forward to planning out my week's meals, and cleaning all this crud out of my system.

Day 5, Boring title for a boring post

2009-07-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

Fitness

Today I did well with my meals. Even though I am struggling to keep an average of 33 grams of protein per meal (it's suggested that you get 1 gram of protein for every pound of body weight, and 200 grams is actually less than I would need to meet that)

I decided to do my leg workout here at the firestation. We have a measly gym here, but I figured I could make due. I think I got a good workout in, but it's been about six hours and my back is really stiff and sore, so I'm hoping that's just a product of the workout.

I am really jonsing for some fast food. I think it's because I've been kinda bored this evening. Tomorrow is my free day, so at least I have that to look forward to!

Shoot for the Ceiling

2009-07-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

Rant

To all the dudes in the gym wearing hats: you look ridiculous. I realize that backwards baseball hat really completes your outfit and all, the t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and matching basketball shoes. You are in a gym, you should not be worried about coordinating your outfit, much less bloody accessorizing! I would also tell these same guys to stop spending so much damn time staring at themselves (and oddly, each-other) in the mirror, but then they would just use that extra time for their other favorite activity: blatantly leering at the women who are brave enough to come into the free-weights section. I am embarrassed for all men, because of these guys, and I feel sorry for all women, especially the ones that date these guys.

Personal

One of the only good things that has come from being single again is that I am able to remain relatively drama free. After everything I've been through, I am so sensitive to even the slightest inkling of craziness, it can be a little crippling. When my friends start talking about their own personal romantic melodrama, I catch myself instinctively withdrawing and shutting down. I've already hurt some feelings because reactions like "You need a girlfriend, please stop talking to me about this!" I think my desire to live peacefully is healthy, but lately I've been protecting myself in some unhealthy ways.

Along those same lines. One of the aspects of this whole Body for Life thing that I haven't talked about, is dating. When I was coming to the decision to begin the challenge, I was really struggling with loneliness. I realized that if I didn't make some positive decisions, I would probably end up dealing with those feelings in a negative way. The last thing I need is some kind of romantic disaster. I'd probably do something I'd regret, and probably hurt somebody else. So as part of these twelve weeks, I am going to focus on being comfortable single. Since I'm not even officially divorced yet, that's probably a given, but sometimes it's hard for me to even accept that I really am on my own. I think taking this time to face that reality and get comfortable is another thing I can do to affect the rest of my life positively.

Fitness

Had a good day. I didn't get enough sleep (it is highly recommended by pretty much everyone in fitness that you should get at least eight hours) but I did get all my meals in. Tonight was my night to cook for my shift. So I made them the Southwest Turkey Tacos from the Eating for Life cookbook. They're one of my favorite meals. Everyone was really impressed by how good they were, even after I told them that they were good for them. There is some interest amongst my fellow crew members about the Body for Life system. So I am trying to foster that. It would be good to have more people holding me accountable.

...I Gotta Wear Shades

2009-07-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

Personal

Today I took my niece and nephew out for coffee, which pretty much made my whole day. They give me faith in our future, they're amazing. They've both been through a lot, and I hope that karma or whatever pays them back for their positive attitudes and willingness to forgive the people that harm them. They're sure a hell of a lot more emotionally mature than I was -- am.

Fitness

Had a great day fitness wise. Had to cram a few quick meals in there to get my six, but I did it. The going out to coffee thing is part of another promise I've made to myself for this cycle on BFL, basically that I wasn't going to let it take away my life. The first time I really did this, about a year ago, I sequestered myself from the world, I was so afraid to mess up my schedule or cheat. I didn't take any chances. I actually did really well under that philosophy, but it wasn't very fulfilling. I decided that this time, that I would plan, and prepare, and find a way to do things that make me feel like I still have a life.

I had to hit the gym after my god-awful night A&P class, which means that I didn't get home until almost midnight, but I am proud that I could modify my schedule, and still stick to the program.

More Personal

Today I had a conversation with another friend of mine, and she was telling me about some issue she had. We were going back and forth talking about it, until I realized that we were arguing. She started off just venting about issues totally unrelated to me, and somehow I found a way to turn it into an argument. I realized that this is part of a larger personality flaw of mine, that I always need to "prove a point." It's one of the things that made me impossible to live with, and it's something that I definitely need to change.

Irreconcilable Similarities

2009-07-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure how personal I was going to get on this, and wasn't sure I wanted to even tell this story on here. But then I realized that this entire blog was originally started by documenting my trip through "Batterer's treatment." So how much more personal could I get?

I am so glad that I recently made the commitment to participate in, and ultimately finish the Body for Life program, because before when things bothered me, I would let them translate into some sort of unhealthy self-abuse: i.e. drinking, smoking or overeating. The old me, would have been dealing with today with at best, a bunch of beers and a big bag of chips.

The problems began when I had some family drama this morning that moved into a weirdly intense and combative conversation with my sister-in-law. Ultimately all that bickering resulted in nothing but stress for everyone involved. I should learn to pick my battles better.

After that I went to the gym, the place that is supposed to take care of stress. But as soon as I walked in the door I ran into my (soon to be) ex-wife's boyfriend. He obviously recognized me, and I recognized him from the weird night a few weeks ago when I came out of the bathroom at a restaurant and almost bumped into them walking in hand-in-hand. We didn't say anything, I just looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both turned around and walked our separate ways. That was painful. I would like to think that I am in a good place with it, but I really don't like running into that dude at my gym. That is supposed to be my sanctuary, and it feels violated.

I found myself struggling not to think about that night, and about him being there. It threw my whole workout off. But I got it done. I have to focus on not hating him by reminding myself that he didn't take anything away from me. I try to remember what I have, and not what I've lost. Still it hurts, and all I wanted to do was quit lifting and go smoke a cigarette.

So tonight, I wanted a healthy distraction. It just so happens that a few of my friends from the fire station are going out as The Oregon Suits. This is a group that one of the guys here started a long time ago that involves everyone getting dressed up in some haggard suit out of the back of their closet, or at Goodwill in my case. Then we gather together and go out on the town to do something that looks ridiculous for a bunch of guys in suits to do, or as the motto says "Hitting the town with class." Tonight we bowl.

It's totally cheesy and dorky, but it sounds like exactly what I need

The Border From the Gray to Now

2009-07-07T00:15:00.001-07:00

They say the best revenge is living well. So I recently decided that I want revenge, and at the same time I wanted to continue the steep upward trend that my life has been on for about the last year or so.

There has been big gray border between my old life and the new one that I am enjoying today. I have been taking steps to finally solidify that border-line. I have a lot going on, a job that I love, a full school schedule this summer, and the paramedic program to look forward to in the Fall. There are also a lot of other things that I realized were becoming distractions, and keeping me from progressing the way I should.

Big buildup there for me to just say that I am doing the Body for Life program again. I realized with all the finality I am applying to my old life, what better way to start my new one than with discipline, focus, and a rockin' body?

Here are my Before pics...brace yourself

I have to tell you, I was shocked. I think it was only a couple of days ago, I was commenting on how good a shape I've stayed in. That's pretty embarrassing now that I can see myself.

So today is day one, my 12 weeks is up on September 28th and one of my goals is to blog here every day of it. I won't focus my future entries entirely on my fitness, but I do plan to write something here everyday.

Out with the old, well some of it anyway

2009-06-04T15:18:00.001-07:00

So, my new obsession has been my facebook. Which I am not going to link because I like that I still have some separation between my new life and the old one documented here.

The new life includes a job working as an EMT/Firefighter in a tiny town not too far from where I go to school. It comes with a lot of everyday nonsense and drama like any other job, but at some point almost every day I am amazed that this really is my job. I can't believe I wasted so much time doing anything else.

Today I had my first patient die on me. The people that know me won't be surprised that it didn't really affect me emotionally, other than being proud of the work I did to try and save him.
I have another young EMT friend who had to deal with her first death not that long ago, and it really threw her, she is struggling to get over it. I try to be sympathetic to her when she tells me about it, but all I am thinking is, "You are not cut out for this job. People die. Get used to it." I know that sounds harsh, but at least I am honest.

Old Life
I still think about my program at Bridges every day. Part of me really misses it. Even though I left feeling angry and betrayed. It's mostly during the times when I catch myself dwelling on my wife and family and all that I've lost. I try not to think about it so much, and try instead to focus on everything I have in front of me.
...like Paramedic school. I got in. The future is indeed very bright.

Shark-bite Suit

2009-04-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

Personal Update
I am officially an EMT now. Everyone keeps saying "wow that was fast," but I sure don't feel like that true. It's been tough, but I guess I'm not done. I just applied to get into Paramedic school, and it is very competitive. I think there are only twenty slots and from what I hear they usually get at least forty applicants. I am just hoping to get to the interview portion and play the War Hero card, and hope that skates me on through.
Until I hear back from the Paramedic committee, I am working on getting hired on a fire department, so I can start learning how to be a firefighter.

Obligatory Rant
So I have been meaning to write this for awhile now, pardon the fact that it's no longer current. Awhile back I was watching the news in the morning and one of the news ladies came on and started talking about the Academy Awards that had taken place a night or two before. She kept going on and on about how great it was, and how many amazing people were there, and then at the end she said something about the next awards show, and how great that was going to be.
I sat there staring at the screen thinking about the absurdity of this. How many occasions do these people need to get together and congratulate themselves on having the easiest fucking job in the world? What other job does that? None.
The thing that really gets me is what a huge deal people make about performances by stars like Tom Hanks, or Brad Pitt, or whoever; where it's like "Oh my god Tom Hanks you were so brilliant when you pretended to be that guy who actually did something brilliant."
Very rarely do any of these big names write the story they are acting out, or perform any of the stunts. Recently I saw an interview with Marky Mark (sans Funky Bunch) after he had played the lead role in the (simply awful) movie Max Payne. When he was asked about the parallels between the movie and the video game it was based on Marky said that he'd never bothered to play the game so he had no idea. Unfortunately for Marky Mark the video game was much much better than that movie. But I find it a little offensive that he played this role and didn't bother to do any research at all into the origins of his character.
What's more is often these actors are getting paid millions of dollars to pretend to be people who actually did these amazing things, often for little or no money at all. In Jarhead, Jake Gyllenhaal got paid probably a hundred times what a typical marine gets paid, and I'm sure he got to go back to his air conditioned trailer every night and sleep on his king sized bed knowing that his life was never in any real danger.
So I'm just saying if the world was fair, Brad Pitt would make $30K a year. I realize that there are good actors and bad actors out there, and I will admit that I think Brad Pitt is a good actor. I just don't think that this totally intagible "skill" should make him so ridiculously wealthy he can afford to start a collection of children, one from each continent.

Training
I have been doing pretty good on my training lately. I'm still about fifteen pounds heavier than I'd like to be come summertime, so I gotta sharpen up even more. I have been pretty proud of myself for staying responsible when it comes to my eating and training.
I recently started doing MMA again with some of the guys from the EMT program. So far it has only been once a week, but we are looking to increase our gym time. So far I am loving it.

Poise and the Well

2009-01-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

Back in Bridges
Since my required time officially ended, I switched groups at Bridges so that I could sort of start fresh with a new group of guys. It's weird now I'm the veteran. Almost all the other guys in my new group are relative newbies. Often that fact is very obvious.
A couple weeks ago I had a fight with my wife, where we ended up texting back and forth with each other. We just went back and forth for like a hundred messages, and finally at the end when we'd exhausted ourselves we both pretty much came to the conclusion that it wasn't getting any better. I told her that I would take the dialogue between us to Todd and see what he had to say about it. Boy if I had known what would come of that, I probably would have just told her everything was my fault and forgot about the whole idea. So Todd really liked that I brought it to him. I guess I was pretty confident that I was doing most everything right, or else I wouldn't have been so eager to share my drama with an outsider.
So I gave Todd my transcript from the text war. As we came into group the next week Todd had packets for all of us. I instantly recognized my packet as a copy of my typed transcript. Todd told us that we were going to go over it and see what we could learn. I totally got behind the idea, still foolishly thinking that somehow I was going to be vindicated in all of this and finally reveal myself to be the misunderstood hero of this whole story. I should know by now that it doesn't work that way.
The whole packet is about ten pages long, and we ended up spending a hour and a half on the first page, which is basically five text messages from me, and five from her. An hour and a half! Todd tore down every single sentance, word by word. It seemed to me that he was really looking for any glimmer of dark intent on my part, any subtle insult, any hint of control. God help me, he found it. Over and over again. In less than five sentances I found myself having to fess up to the whole class. Todd would ask "what did you mean by that?" and I would have to own it "Uh, I guess I really meant 'kiss my ass.'" Shit, I really thought I was the good guy again.
Anyways, as hard as that was, I had to go back the next week and endure another hour and a half of the same thing. It was a little better this time, because I went in without any dilusion that I was going to walk away unscathed. The best part about the next class was that other guys in the group were really participating, all along I was really worried that I was boring a whole class of guys with my frivilous drama, but these guys were really identifying with it. Sometimes though they showed their enthusiasm for the idea by jumping on Todd's "You're an asshole" bandwagon, but hey, I can't fault them too much for that.
After our class got out, I had to walk through the guys waiting for class to start all holding their own copies of my traitorous transcript. As I was passing through the guantlet Todd made some crack about me not starting anymore text wars, and one of the dudes waiting stopped me. "You're the guy that did this?" I wasn't sure how he felt about me at that point so I was hesistant to jump on that grenade, "Yeah, it's me and my wife," I finally let-on. "Wow dude, this is really good stuff. I already learned a lot, I guess we all do this stuff sometimes don't we?" he said. "Yeah, I guess we do. I'm glad you liked it dude. It makes me feel better knowing that somebody else is getting something out of this too," I told him.
I left that night with a lot of good ideas about how I should approach people, especially my wife. I learned that I forget to ask questions and make a lot of statements, and then assume I know the answer to the questions I didn't bother to ask. I also learned that sometimes when I have to stand up and take Todd's beatings, that maybe somebody else is learning the same things I am. And that makes me feel like this whole thing wasn't a big pointless waste of time, maybe it's helping me become a better person and that maybe Todd isn't just being a dick to us because he can. Still though, what a dick.

Random Drivel
quotes:
Me; "Is that a rape whistle on your keychain?"
My friend Brett; "Yeah. I like to blow it. When I'm raping people."

In class the other day:
girl; "EMT is a naked sport"

Body for Life
Wow I have no excuse for my eating behavior over the christmas break. I have been eating terribly. And I think I worked out twice, and one of those times I just played basketball. The whole time I was thinking that I could just be like all the resolutioners at the gym and jump right on it when I got back from break. So I didn't do that, but at school this week Brian and I have pledged to start next week. So one way or another I'm getting my act together next week. Count on it.

Bridges Coming to a Close

2008-11-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

School has been dominating my life for the most part. In fact it should be dominating my life right now, but I am being a slacker.

So my required time in Bridges has been met, unfortunately to get signed out of the program I had to finish my workbook. So I've been frantically trying to get it done for the last two weeks. I did about two hundred pages in those two weeks. At some point I felt like I was really getting a self-overdose. I really put a lot of work into finishing that book, but sometimes I felt like I was putting in overtime beating the dead horse of my life.
As part of finishing the book I had to watch a couple of movies. The last two that I had to watch were This Boy's Life and Were Warriors Once. I wouldn't recommend either one of these for a first date, and they were by far from feel-good flicks. Were Warriors Once was hard core, I was really blown away by the story, and the harshness of the violence. This Boy's Life on the other hand just made me feel crappy. The step-dad character in it (played by De Niro) starts out as Mr.Niceguy, and after awhile he gets a little snarkier, and then reveals himself to be this full on control-freak asshole. It sucks to admit but some of the things he did when his true colors were starting to show through, I had done myself.

Anyways, I missed my first class, and I guess I missed a good one. The Crazy Russian, who's new nickname is "Drago," got his turn in the dreaded Todd-Chair. I was really disspointed that I missed that, because when I first started the class Drago was one of the characters I really zeroed in on. Ever since my second class where the discussion was winding down and Todd asked Drago if he had anything to add, and he replied by casually pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket and began to read us a poem he'd written. I don't remember what was in that poem but I remember thinking "What the hell? Do I have to write a poem too?" until I looked around and realized that everyone else in the class, Todd included was as perplexed as I was.
After that day though, Drago became less and less involved in the groups. Usually whenever he was pressed he would deflect by giving some sort of ambigous religious answer. Todd might ask him, "So what considerations should you give to your children's friends when they're in your household?" and Drago would say "Well, I just love God, and I love people." And that would be it, and I would be sitting there thinking, what happened to the crazy accusational poem reciting Russian dude that I used to know?
So I wasn't in the group when Todd focused on Drago and brought out the dry erase marker he uses to evicerate people more thoroughly than any lightsaber could. I guess it didn't take long for Drago to break down into sobs. I really feel like I missed out, because I have been wanting to hear his story almost since I began the program at Bridges.

On another note, Ogre has been looking crazier and crazier every time I see him, which due to our unfortunate proximity in living areas happens more often than just when I show up to Bridges. In the same class that I missed, they also had to point out to Ogre that just generally being an inconsiderate dick, is actually a form of absuse. Ogre lives with his grandma, and from what I understand he was upset because she was constantly asking him to stop doing things like: blasting his music all night long, using words like "goddamn" and "fuck" frequently in front of her guests, and (this is classic) hocking loogies into her sinks. Mind you, he was upset because she has been "nagging" him about these things all the time. I guess it took some time, and quite a few reiterations and examples for Ogre to see that maybe he should just stop pulling all these dickhead moves. This guy is a real piece of work, when he doesn't show up to class I'm always a little dissapointed.

Just because I met the required time in Bridges, I don't think I am going to stop going. I think the progam has been really good for me, and while I still have a few things to take care of before I am officially a graduate, I think Todd is going to let me continue in the program voluntarily. I can't believe I am even considering that, especially when I think back to those first few weeks when I was so angry about having to do this program. Eh, life.

EMT Class - More nudity than I expected

2008-10-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

I am really enjoying my EMT class. From the very first day -- actually from the very second day, after the cop dropped the class, I've really felt like this is going to be a great bunch of people to work with. We're kind of forced together, because we're all in uniform already and we do a lot of "team building" stuff together.
So far, I don't think I've made any enemies, which is good considering my penchant for making friends and enemies at equal and alarming rates. At least no obvious enemies, which is even scarier because that means that they're stealthy enemies, and I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of thing.
Thursday in lab was "Playing with Stethoscopes Day" which was cool. We had to break up the class into two groups, so my group went off to go learn how to take blood pressure, and after awhile we were going to switch with the other group. In between the switch we had a break, where a couple of my friends from the other group came to me, and said "Whatever she asks: volunteer. Don't worry about what it is, just volunteer." Luckily my buddy came to me and said "So are you going to take off your shirt?"
Basically for the next class, they needed someone to get up in front of the class and take off their shirt so they could show where we're supposed to listen to lung sounds, my little buddy there had been the unfortunate soul who got up there, and was nice enough to warn me. When we got into class, the instructor called for a volunteer, and simultaneously three girls in my class point at me and say my name.
So now I'm sitting there, and I've been called out. I went, "I don't think any of us want this to happen," but I had to do it. So I had to take off my shirt and get up in front of the class.

This sort of thing is definitely motivation for me to get my diet AND my gym routine back on track. So it looks like I'm going to start BFL again hardcore, because if I'm going to be getting all naked in front of my class, it's the least I can do.

The Todd Chair - Bridges Week 20

2008-10-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well there isn't much time left for me in Bridges, really only four weeks, plus a couple of follow-up sessions. This time, I was about a half hour late for class. I poked my head in, and I was like "uh, can I be here?" And Todd was like "eh, half an hour? What do we think guys, should we let him stay?" The whole class was quiet. Apparently I'm not as well liked as I thought I was. Finally Drywall Jim goes "Let him stay." Todd goes, "Did you do the homework?" I said I had, the homework is that same sheet we have to fill out every week that asks us what happened in our lives to cause resentment or conflict and what we did about it. I've been on a kick lately about my shitty ex-neighbors who were so helpful to the police the night I was arrested. My daughters still go over and spend time with them from time to time, and every once in awhile one of my girls will mention them. Anytime one of them says something about what a good time they had at the exneighbors, I have to choke back the comments that come rushing into my brain. Things like: "Oh that's nice, I sure hope their house doesn't burn down with them all asleep inside" or "Wow, I sure hope Linda doesn't die fisting herself" and other less friendly things. I am sure Todd would have a problem with my mindset here, probably thinking that I am placing blame on them, which I am. I suppose as long as I don't actually say any of those things to the girls, or to the exneighbors themselves, I'm probably ok.
So there I am back in class, I've got my homework finished, and then Todd asks me did I do the assignment. I'd totally forgotten about it, so I had to say no. Todd, seemed to consider that for a moment, and finally said "Well, you're a half hour late, but you usually have something good to contribute to class, so come on in." Which was cool to hear, especially in light of the lack of people coming to my aid when he asked if they thought I should stay.
So the assignment he was talking about was given last week and we were supposed to go talk to five people that know us well and ask them "What is it that I do that upsets you?" and we write down their answers. It turns out that about half the class didn't get this done and we were all banished to one side of the room, while the other had to give the rundown on their answers. So I don't think that I need to explain how much this assignment sucks. Even if you think you already know what all your faults are, it's always painful to have them pointed out to you. I've already gone through this to some degree, and I wasn't eagerly anticipating doing it again.
The guys that had done the assignment had some good things to say, and almost all of them were surprised by some of the answers they'd gotten to that question. Drywall Jim said that he thought he was a pretty laid-back boss and it was surprising to him to find out how many people he worked with thought he was a dick. JoeTee said that his girlfriend told him that even though they live together he acts as if it's his place, not theirs. And when we'd gone around the circle, Todd said that when he asked his daughter, she said that he played video games too much, and not enough with her. You could tell that all of these things really touched a nerve with these guys.
Todd's participation with us in this assignment really drove it home for me. Then in class, he asked us if we had anything we'd like to say to him about what he might do that upsets us. A couple of guys said things like they couldn't tell when he was being serious and when he was joking, this was emphasized by Drywall Jim's impression of Todd where he went "Hahaha, you know if you get a UA-- you're going to fucking jail!" Which kind of cracked us up. I said that sometimes it seemed like he jumped on an obvious joke and wouldn't let it go, like one time this guy that I haven't thought of a nickname for yet was trying to tell us a story. Unfortunately he started his story off with "I've been having woman problems..." and, woo boy, Todd was all over that. Poor guy couldn't get more than four words out about this argument he had with his girl before Todd or somebody was making some crack about periods, or pregnancy or some other bullshit. Finally the guy just gave up trying to tell the story, and I thought that was kind of harsh.
You could really tell that Todd was taking all this to heart. Apparently he'd already asked a few of his coworkers and was surprised to have the reoccuring theme of his arrogance. He asked me if I thought he was arrogant, and I said that I didn't think so, but I was pretty sure people on my list were going to tell me I was arrogant, so I'm probably not a good judge. I thought about it for awhile, and yeah, I can see where that came from, I think my first references to Todd in this blog were about what a douchebag he was, and I think that probably comes from my impression of his cockiness. So as Todd was taking all this "constructive" critisism he was handling it pretty well, he kept saying things like, "yeah I can change that," or "ok, I will look into that" but finally I chimed in and said "Man, I don't want to do this, because I really don't want this group to change." A bunch of the guys agreed with me, the last thing we want is to go and sit in there straight faced and work from the book for an hour and a half every week without getting to know anything about eachother. Least of all me, because it wouldn't give me anything to write about.

So I am going to go to the people on my list and ask them. Maybe I'll post their answers, I'm not sure yet if I'm willing to offer up that much vulnerability. There might be a few of you out there reading this that don't yet fully know what a piece of crap I am. I'm not in a big hurry to sully my reputation further.

You's a Crowd - Follow Up

2008-10-05T23:47:00.000-07:00

*Spoiler Alert*

The Cop dropped the EMT Basic class. Oh man, it's a Christmas miracle!

Explain Yourself To Our Guard Bear

2008-10-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been almost a month. For those of you eagerly awaiting the follow up to my last post where my Oz persona was so rudely stripped away to reveal the pale shuddering little man underneath, I am sorry for the delay. And, if you were worried about me, I appreciate it.

Bridges Week 19
Truth be told, I haven't been all that motivated to post lately because my Bridges groups haven't been all that eventful.
The session after I was called out, Todd had a short follow up with me in class. He reassured me once again that I did very well telling my story, not blaming, taking responsibility, and defending myself appropriately. But, he said, the thing that he keeps coming back to, is that he doesn't feel that I grasp the extreme nature of my situation, or the story of what brought me to Bridges. I don't really know how to reassure him that I do, in fact, understand how severe my situation was, I just don't show it as well as maybe some of the other guys do. I told him, that I've been through some pretty extraordinary shit in my life, and being attacked isn't anything all that new to me. Still though, it's pretty obvious to me that answer far from satisfies Todd. It hurts me to be labeled that way, because I think I do have a pretty good grasp on the reality of things, and I don't want to be that guy; the guy who lives in denial of his situation.
So I think about that a lot.

School
I started school this Monday. I have to say that I am very excited. It's a little humbling, because I'm pretty sure that in all of my classes that I am in the top 5% of the age demographic. I am hoping that whatever I've picked up in the last ten years gives me an edge on all the young punks I am going to be competing against for Firefighter jobs.

You's a Crowd
So, in keeping with the chaotic/ironic theme of my life over the last few years, I have to share this story. On Tuesday I show up for my first EMT Basic class about ten minutes before class is set to begin. I took a seat in the first row because there wasn't much else available. I had a good view of the door there, so I could see all the new students coming in after me pretty clearly. At one point, this dude walks in and goes over to check in with the instructor and I recognize him, but I can't remember from where at first. Is he one of the firefighters I met earlier? No. Is he--oh, shit. He's the cop that arrested, and then later testified against me.
It's pretty clear that he recognizes me. He takes a seat two over from me, so I have to hand him all the papers the instructor is giving out, all the while trying to avoid his accusing gaze. I know he hates me, because he's only ever heard the one (highly inaccurate) side of the story that paints me as a raving psychopath, plus there's the time he basically said that he hated me, so there's that. I can't really blame him, if I thought I did the things he thinks I did, I would hate me too.
So now I'm sitting there, in a vat of awkward paranoia, trying to think of something, anything positive that can come out of this. All I can do is think, hey, maybe I can win this guy over. So now, I'm determined to make him my best friend by the time I finish EMT Basic I. Here's to hope.

Fitness Junk
I have been working out pretty faithfully. The diet has cleaned up a lot, and I can definately feel a difference, especially when I am playing basketball. I am going to have to kick it into high gear though, now that school is starting and I am applying for firefighting positions.

Family Update
I have been spending a lot more time with the girls, my daughters. I have really been enjoying getting to hang out with them. Even the oldest who makes very sure to let me know the following universal truths:
1. She hates me
2. She is miserable
3. I don't understand anything
So I am really trying, and usually when I get her in the morning, she will acknowledge my existence by 3pm, but usually only if she is hungry. I always try to remember what a little retard I was, and how badly I treated my stepmom, and figure that it's just karma coming back to bite me in the ass.
The youngest is always so much fun. She is down for anything and seems to really enjoy her time with me. I took her to a high school football game the other day and we had a blast together.
I love them a lot, I feel like I've wasted too much time not being a part of their lives and I am just stoked to have them again.

Bridges Week 16, Let's Talk About Me

2008-09-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

There's a couple of things I don't normally do that I am doing tonight. Tonight I drank alone. I know that's somewhere in the top ten are you an alcoholic questions, but I assure you I had perfectly good reasons. Specifically: nobody wanted to drink with me. I guess that's it.

I found the World's greatest bar. I wasn't sure until I observed the fourth chubby girl in a row get up to sing her Karoke version of some classic Fleetwood Mac song. FOUR FLEETWOOD MAC SONGS! IN A ROW! It was the greatest thing ever. So I sat quietly by, drinking my Blue Moon beers, reading the New York Times on my phone, so as not to draw attention to the fact that I was indeed drinking alone on a Thursday night. I don't know if the fact that it was a Thursday night makes it better or worse for me.

All the while contemplating my future in Antarctica.

Tonight it was my turn to talk about myself in group. Finally. All the planning and strategy I'd tried to come up with came completely unraveled at Todd's first confrontation of my glossing over the life I've lived. I don't think I've ever faced the person I am, all the things I've done, as completely as I have tonight. It is not unlike the feeling you get in the dream where you find yourself naked in the halls of your middle school with everyone pointing and laughing. Except nobody was laughing.

Bridges Week 13 - HALT

2008-08-15T14:43:00.000-07:00

First off, Ogre showed up to class. I did not see that coming. I guess I kind of figured that if he hadn't been kicked out of the program for last week, than he would be too embarrassed to show his face back in class so quickly. I guess I underestimated his ability to absorb chastisement.
At the beginning of class, Todd did his usual round-robin of introductions. Most guys just say their name and talk about how they're doing work-wise, or how their dealings with their family or the State are going. When it got to me, I told everyone that I'd just registered for school and that I was really excited about it. When it got to Ogre, at first he just said "I'm Ogre, and I've just been looking for work." Todd said "Is that all?" "Yeah, that's pretty much it," Ogre said leaning back in his chair, with an air of undeserved self-satisfaction.
Todd was gunning for him at that point. "Last week, you were kind of all over the place. Who was here last week?" A couple of us raised our hands. "What did you guys think of Ogre's behavior in class last week?" Todd said, staring right at me. "I guess, I'm just really surprised he came back." I said. And pretty much all the other guys that had been there the week before nodded or grunted in agreement. At this point, I hadn't realized it, but Todd was going to use me as the class advocate, he kept asking me questions like "Why do you think he was behaving that way?" and then he'd stare Ogre down when I'd give my best diplomatic answer: "Well, dude, I know you've had your problems with booze, but I don't think you were drinking, but I definately think you were on something." At that, I get more grunts and nods of agreement. That was the magic answer for Todd, he's fired up now. "Yeah, the way you were acting, that's the way people act, when they're in a certain state, and that state isn't clean." Ogre is very offended at my insinuation, and Todd's outright accusal of him being on drugs, "I was just tired, I had a very long day! I'm not on anything." Todd asks Ogre if he remembers what happened in class, he says that he does, and then Todd asks him if remembers how their talk after class went, he says he does. Todd goes, you know I've been around a lot of people on a lot of things and I just have to tell you that I don't run into too many people that when they're clean they start talking about how they'd like to be as big as a building and be able to flick tanks away with just the power of their eyelash. I'm dying at this, that is totally awesome stoner talk if I've ever heard it.
Ogre adamantly denies any substance abuse. Todd is irritated as hell with him, and explains how much effort he's put into Ogre's treatment, and now he's going to give him a UA (drug test) and unlike the other guys in the program that he's trying to help keep on the right track, he just wants to catch Ogre dirty. Ogre spends the rest of the class with an angry-retard stare on his face.
The rest of class was basic psycology/biology. I won't talk about everything but there is one little thing Todd talked about that really got my attention Todd taught us an acronym to help explain why people go from being reasonable (thinking with their cerebral cortex) to going into caveman mode (thinking with the amygdalae). Here it is:
Hungry
Angry
Lonley
Tired
The idea here is that if you are any of one of those things, you are more likely to stop using your reasoning and logic skills and shift into purely impluse driven thought processes. I really identified with that, especially tired. I am probably the worst person I can be when I'm tired. But I can remember examples in my life where I've behaved irrationally due to each one of those factors.
I can actually remember one whole relationship I was in, that ultimately failed probably because I was tired, sleep deprived (and yeah, out of shape) for the entire duration of the relationship. I was awful to be around, I don't know how she lasted as long as she did. When I looked back on it for the longest time, I used to think what the hell was wrong with me? I mean, the tired thing is another factor, but the main issue there was just that I was just a dick.
Enough preaching, gotta go play Unreal 3 with my nephew.

Follow Through

2008-08-12T20:39:00.001-07:00

Well, I did it. I made it to the gym tonight. All it did was remind me how much I actually love it, and that I need to stay consistant. Let's hope this begins a very long trend.

Also, I got enrolled in school today. I can't believe it. It's so weird to be starting over. Aside from the parents that came along to chaperone their kids, I was definately the oldest guy in the class. I was also the on veteran though, which probably earned me some "street cred" with the instructor. So unless something crazy happens, I am a full time student for the next two years, and ultimately I'll be a firefighter/paramedic when it's all over with.

The Wisdom of Ogre

2008-08-11T23:02:00.000-07:00

So this week in Bridges was pretty intense. This week's subject was about how children are affected by abuse in the home. If that wasn't already bleak enough, near the end of the session we had to listen to this audio tape of a little girl calling 9-1-1 because of a fight going on between her mom and stepdad that was really out of control. The tape was horrifying, one guy in the class couldn't take it, he just got up and left. It really bothered me too, and I could tell just about everyone else in the class was pretty disturbed by the looks on their faces.
After the tape had been played, Todd started asking us all questions about it. Most of the guys in the class were so distraught by what they'd heard they could barely form complete sentences, just mumbled words like "awful," and "terrifying." One of the guys even said "Man, that made me glad I got locked up before it could get to that point," which got a few nods of agreement. When one of these guys says he's glad he went to jail that's a pretty bold statement, especially since these guys are sometimes a little slow to answer for their actions.
Finally it got to Ogre, who I am positive was on something that evening. I know he's had his problems with alcohol, but I don't think it was that. He just couldn't sit still, he made weird comments, and he kept putting his sunglasses on. When Todd asked Ogre what he thought of the tape, he paused for a moment and then said in his Napoleon Dynamite-on-steroids voice "I just don't understand. You know? I mean, it seems like she could have at least went and got a weapon to defend herself."
The entire class fell into a stupified silence. He kept going, "I mean, she could have gone into the kitchen and got a steaknife and stuck it in his thigh..." My mind was racing, I was desperately trying to contain every razor sharp reply that wanted to burst from my brain; "She's fucking SIX years old you fucking moron!" was right there on the tip of my tongue, but held back knowing that particular comment might be a little on the abusive side. Todd finally got him to shut up, in his patented condescending but still diplomatic way, which probably kept Ogre from being pounced on by somebody in the class with less self-control than I was willing to display that evening.
A few weeks earlier, we were in class while Todd was discussing some of the indirect methods of abuse, he gave the example: "She might threaten your family, or you might tell her something like 'if I go to jail, I'll have my family come and kill you'" A little while later we were having sort of a roundtable, discussing this idea of indirect abuse, at some point Ogre chimes in with this gem "What is she saying?, shes going to have her family come and kill you? I mean does she have a bunch of black guys in her family or something? Or are they mafia? Oh man, mafia, you don't want to mess with those guys. You guys ever watch mafia movies?" This time the emotional climate of the class had been a little more forgiving, so I guess we just sort of laughed it off. But in retrospect: "a bunch of black guys?" Wow.
So anyway, back to the present class where we're still discussing the tape, and how awful it is for kids to be exposed to that kind of pain. We're all having a very somber discussion when out of nowhere Ogre chuckles to himself. Todd goes "Something funny Ogre?" "Oh man, I'm sorry, heh, I just totally spaced out there for a second. I was thinking of this TV show -- you guys ever watch Jackass?" At that point, Todd and the rest of the class just stare at him incredulously for a moment, before an exasperated Todd says "What were we talking about?" Everyone in the class just stares at eachother for a second trying to remember where the conversation train was before Ogre derailed it so thoroughly. "Aw fuck it!" Todd says, "See you next week. Ogre, stick around, we need to talk"
So unless I'm mistaken, I think that might be the end of our friend Ogre's time in Bridges.

Fitness
I quit my old gym, and I started up at a new one. I haven't actually gone to the new gym yet. I am still having such a hard time getting motivated. I played some basketball this weekend, and I was excited about that for awhile. Today, I ate good for the morning, and then I went to my brother's and had a pop, and then I got hungry on my way home so I grabbed some awful awful Arby's. Crap, what's wrong with me!? I gotta pull it together soon.
Tomorrow would be a weight lifting day. I have to go to school in the morning, but I am going to post this here as motivation. After school I am going to go do my upper body weight routine. You heard it here first!

Sitcom-Style Family Weekend

2008-07-28T11:55:00.000-07:00

This Weekend I went up to Bellingham Washington to visit my family.

I wanted to show off my baby cousins.
I had a great time with everyone. I have the kind of family that you only see on wholesome sitcoms. All the aunts, uncles and cousins and their kids get together for barbecues and dinners and church. Everyone's laughing and talking and passing food around I can't describe how great it felt to be there. I almost forgot what an awesome family I have up there. I really came back from this weekend built-up. It was the best birthday weekend I could have hoped for.

Buttrock... Literally

2008-07-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

Let's take a look at the last few albums I've purchased (editor's note "purchased" should have those sarcastic little quote marks - there that's better)

This is Stereoside's album So Long. It's pretty good. Nice Cover. Classy.

This is Tantric's The End Begins. It's ok, there's a really good song called The One on it.

This is Saving Abel's self titled album. It's also pretty good. I can also respect their taste in cover art.

I'm sure this says something about me. I wonder what that could be.

New "Before" Pictures

2008-07-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

Pretty rad sunburn

So I've definately lost some headway. I'm a little discouraged but, I am getting back on my feet. I know if I can be discplined for a week or so, I'll lose a lot of the water weight that I've gained in just a few weeks.
I didn't bother blocking out my face. I better not find my images on some goofy site with the word "FAIL" emblazoned underneath.

Bridges Week 10 - Fernando Revealed

2008-07-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

General Recap

This was another week full of laziness on my part. I didn't go to the gym, and I was all over the place on my diet. My workout buddy Tim is coming back from a business trip and I told him that we are taking "before" pictures again. So those will be posted this weekend, or Monday at the latest. (Editor's note: I guess Tuesday at the latest)
I have been struggling with feeling sorry for myself, especially since I got "laid off" at work. I guess I can explain that a little. The small company I work for is really struggling, partly because of the economy and also partly just because we've hung our balls out there on some risky business decisions that aren't paying off like we'd hoped. My boss approached me and we'd talked about the status of the company and whether or not there were going to be layoffs. After we talked I spent the whole night thinking about it, and everything else going on in my life. By the end of the week I was obsessing about it nonstop so I took a meeting with the boss. I told him basically that I really love this company and that I want to see it survive. I know who we can live without, and still survive and unfortunately I'm one of those people. At first he was incredulous, but I finished by telling him that I was so financially abysmal right now, that even getting laid off wouldn't really make it any worse. So on Monday he called a couple of us into a meeting and let us go. Even thought I knew it was coming it still stung. I know it must have been a thousand times worse for the other guys who still have families to feed. So now I'm sort of a volunteer at work for the time being. I told the boss I would hang around for a month or so, and if they don't rehire me, I would move on.
I've been sleeping at weird times, and not sleeping at night, which isn't helping any part of my life. I'm still riding my bike to work which is probably the best part of my day. I got some good tunes to rock out to along the way:
Motley Crue's new one
Sabastian Bach's (of Skid Row fame) solo album (feat. Axl Rose, hell yeah!)
Sixx AM, Nikki Sixx's (of Motley Crue) new band.
So by the time I make it home, I'm usually all jacked up on buttrock. Then like twenty minutes later I go to bed.

Bridges Week 10

Todd shifts the focus on Fernando. Fernando is this quiet guy who's been coming to class pretty faithfully. When he does offer something to the class, which is rare, he is well spoken although obviously sorrowful. Tonight he actually offered up that he'd been having some problems with his family and that his son has disowned him. When Todd asked him why, he said he didn't really know. Todd was waiting to pounce on this like a lion on an short-sighted gizalle with obesity issues because he jumped up and said "You don't know why your son won't talk to you? Well let's get this figured out." Then he whipped out his pen and began to write on the whiteboard. I am learning very quickly to fear this pen.
We spent the next hour or so talking about everything that Fernando ever did wrong. Whether his son knew about it or not. I have to hand it to him, Fernando was a trooper, he admitted to things, and didn't make excuses for the most part. With every new confession Todd would try to ease the sting a little bit by telling him that it hurt now, but it was going to feel so much better afterward. He would always punctuate this by referring back to Orge (who'd gone through this type of interrogation the week before) and saying "Right Ogre?" To which, he'd always grunt out a hesitant "Yeah." He must've said "yeah" and nothing else, twelve or thirteen times that night.
So that's pretty much it. I'm not going to tell you all the stuff Fernando fessed up to, but it's fair to say that he was a pretty messed up dude and it seems like he's really trying to put his life back together.
He did say that his son told him that he never wanted to be like him. I really can't think of any single thing that somebody could say to another that is more painful than that.

Abuse Clarified

Along the lines of what Fernando went through, I feel like I the need to clarify. I figure the people that read my blog are probably not as familiar with "abuse" as somebody who's had the forced education that I have.
This is the abuse wheel, we have like ten of these posted up all over Bridges.

So if you're like me, the first time you look at this, you're like, whoa those a pretty severe. Once you read "Forcing her to have sex with others" it's pretty much seared into your brain and it's hard to see anything beyond those big bold awful letters.. But if you've been staring at this circle of awfulness day after day, you start to see the rest of it. Those little last sentances in the descriptions sometimes hit a little too close to home.
Everything here elicits images of evil, but stare long enough and you start to see the subtleties. The Devil is in the details here. When I examine myself and look at this wheel I wince when I remember where I've danced on some lines, and completely crossed others, especially in the Abusing Her Feelings piece of the pie.
I say this because I feel like if I admit that this has been a presence, it will further ensure that nothing on the Power & Control chart will ever have a place in my life again.

Bridges Week 9 Recap - Ogre Revealed

2008-07-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Lately it's been hard to sit down and write when I always feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of nervous meltdown. So I decided to write this out downstairs while my mom shuffles around in the kitchen making Sunday dinner.

This week in Bridges, my batterer's treatment class, a guy showed up who's attendance has been pretty all over the place. And when he does show up he definitely shows off how much he doesn't want to be there, staring at the clock, shuffling around, not participating. One time he showed up with his Robert Downy Jr hangover sunglasses on and kept them on for the whole class. Todd has made it pretty clear that he's not too keen on this kid that I've decided to call Ogre, because he's one of those big dumb kids with a overly low registered voice. He also has the same shaggy haircut that the incredible hulk always had, a comparison that I am sure he would delight in. If he could read.
Todd has taken the few opportunities he's had to call Ogre out. One night the class was really full and Todd said "who doesn't want to be here?" and he didn't give anyone a chance to respond before he just pointed at Ogre and said "Go out in the hall and watch a movie with the others." Ogre just grunted and lumbered out into the little reception room where Todd banished a few of the late comers to watch some feel good movie like The Waitress. Since I hate the idea that I am paying $40 to watch a crappy movie, I was really relieved that I got to stay in the room and talk about feelings with the rest of the rubes.
Well tonight, Todd had his sites set on Ogre. He started by talking about how every time he asks Ogre how he's doing, Ogre makes a big show of talking about how great he's doing, how awesome his life is and so on. Todd said "Well tonight we're going to talk about your life a little bit Ogre." Todd tells us that the first night Ogre came to class with a bad attitude, he said to the whole class that he didn't belong there, and that he wasn't like you guys, he doesn't go home and beat his wife every night. That sort of thing is sure to win you friends in a class like this. Being in the spotlight didn't seem to bother him too much, Ogre is really pretty confident that he's got nothing to hide I guess.
"So what do we know about Ogre?" Todd asks the class. "Uh, he doesn't communicate very well," one guy finally offers. Todd is excited by this and starts writing on the white board, and starts egging us on. What about his attitude? How does Ogre come across to you guys? Todd answers his own question, "He's pretty prideful isn't he?" He writes this on the board, and finally Ogre chimes in, "Yeah, I can be kind of arrogant." Todd writes on this on the board so it looks like this:
What we see
Bad communication
Pride
Arrogant
Then Todd starts back in on Ogre "So what is it about you that you wouldn't want someone to know about you? Maybe you meet a girl, what about your life wouldn't you want her to know?" Ogre just stares at Todd for awhile and then finally goes, "Well I live with my grandma. That kind of sucks." Todd writes that on the board. What else? Nothing, Ogre can't think of anything else. So Todd helps him out.
What are you driving?
Uh, well, I had a car, and then, uh...
You ride the bus you don't have a car.
Yeah.
Where are you working?
Well I do some day labor stuff, and well...
You're unemployed, you got fired last month and you're haven't found another job.
Well...yeah.
Man this is getting pretty brutal, Todd is writing all of this on the board. Everytime he throws something else out there. Ogre is trying to save face, and is trying to explain his situation to us while Todd just keeps writing on the board. Todd writes "Alcoholic" on the board, and Ogre finally turns around and notices. Todd just points at what he wrote.
Are you an alcoholic?
Well, it runs in my family
At this eveyone in the class collectively groans. This kid can't admit to anything. Todd starts filling in the gaps for us. Ogre has called in sick to class three weeks in a row, has been fired from a job, but can't seem to understand why. Ogre has put off his alcohol assessment for weeks now. Plus the times he has shown up to class he's been pretty out of it.
Now one thing that is pretty consistant about these guys, is they always try and find a way to turn a liability into something to brag about. Ogre starts telling us that yes he has a drinking problem, and it's affected his life in a lot of negative ways, and sure enough he eventually starts shifting into the check-out-how-badass-I-really-am mode. Yeah, the other night I drank four fifths, and I should have died, but...
While he's shifting the conversation over, Todd is back to work on the board writing; "Beat the shit out of his grandmother." This totally shocked me, I mean I went back to the "I'm not like you guys, I don't go home and beat my wife every night" comment. Pretty high and mighty for a guy that beats up his grandma, especially when he doesn't know that we all have pretty unorthidox stories about why we're in the class in the first place. So Ogre is finishing up his halfassed explanation of why he's not a bad alcoholic, when he notices what Todd wrote on the board.
No I didn't "beat up" my grandma!
Were you abusive to your grandma?
Well....slightly
{GROAN}
When you were drunk?
Yes, I was drunk, but that's not why
{GROAN}
So it goes back and forth like this for awhile, with no real admission from Ogre. Near the end, at one point Todd goes "Now, doesn't it feel good to get this stuff all out in the open?" And I'm thinking he didn't get this stuff out in the open, you put it out there for him. In anycase Ogre gets to act like he's enjoying this clensing ritual and acts like he's way better off for it.
I don't have a good ending to this story yet. It just shocks me how easy it is for anyone (including yours truely) to completely dilute themselves about their situation and the choices they've made to put themselves there.

So as not to be a hypocrite, here's a short summary of all the douchebaggery that is my life:
I'm going to be thirty at the end of this month and I live with my parents
I have a bmw that I can't afford insurance or gas for, so I ride my bike everywhere
I got laid off from my job
My house is being foreclosed on
I'm bankrupt
I am in Batterer's Treatment counseling
I have been abusive to my wife

There you go. That's me. Time to go take a nap.

Epic Fail on a Bike

2008-07-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

I've been riding my bike to work. Dont'get all crazy and start thinking that I give a crap about the environment or anything, this is just my futile way of trying to save gas money. Also it's a good way for me to get a little extra cardio in, since my diet has been lacking discipline lately.

Anyways today when I was riding home I had to stop and wait for a train to go by. I rode past the line of cars that were also waiting for the train. I have those shoes that the pedals kind of clip-in to, and you have to pop your shoes out of the pedals when you want to put your feet down. So I meandered my way up to the front of this long line of cars right up by the train, I popped my left foot out and put it down. While I was standing there, I noticed that my chain was kind of weird so with one foot unclipped and the other still stuck to the pedal I tried to do that move where you sort of pick my bike up and crank forward. Here's where I sort of lose my balance and started stumbling and bouncing around for a second before falling over in slow motion toward my clipped-in foot. So now, I'm sitting there on the side of the road, with my bike in between my legs, struggling like an upside down turtle to get my trapped foot under my bike unclipped. I'm laying there on the ground failing around like an idiot, my headphones are flying all over and finally I get my foot loose and free myself from my tangled web and stand back up out of breath from the stuggle and shear humiliation.
As I'm struggling back to my feet, I can't help but look back at the cars who I know just witnessed one of my all time greatest fiascos. There's this guy who's sitting in a semi truck at the front of the line. At worst I expected him to be laughing and at best maybe I'd get a sympathetic smile, but no. What I got was a look of what can only be described as absolute disgust. I don't know, maybe this guy just hates retards. Luckily I don't take myself that seriously, so I was already laughing when I got this look. I couldn't face anymore, so I didn't bother to look past the truck driver to all the cars behind him with a perfect view of me. So I turned back around to stare at the train and pray for it to be over before I could do anything else to make the situation worse. Then I noticed that on the other side of the tracks, even as the train was still going by, I could see on the other side the people in their cars, drivers and passengers alike, all laughing hysterically at me, all the while bobbing their heads, dodging and ducking to see through the gaps in the train to get a better look at my calamity.
While I was sitting there absorbing it all, I kept thinking "Man, I would have killed to be one of the people in those cars." I'm sure I would have told the story for weeks about the guy I saw who just inexplicably fell over while sitting perfectly still on his bike waiting for a train. I am tempted to look on the "Missed Connections," section of Craigslist to see if I won any hearts with my dynamic display of gracelessness.

Old Men Want to Fight Me

2008-07-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to McDonalds to grab some last minute breakfast and when I was walking out some old man gave me a really dirty look. He totally stared me down. Even though he was a thousand years old, I realized when I got to my van that I was sort of intimidated by him. I guess he didn't like the cut of my jib.

Yes, I said van. I'm not even going to explain that.

Btw, if you haven't tried McDonald's iced premium coffee (with vanilla) woo boy you are missing out! The wife recommended them, and they're good and cheap too.

Losing It At Work

2008-06-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

I yelled at everyone in my department at work today. I got this box in that had Greg's name on it and I asked "Hey, does anyone know what Greg might have ordered from Nirvana?" All at once the four guys standing around my area answered with some idiotic joke:
"Greg sure likes Kurt Cobain"
"I thought Nirvana was someplace you went, not something you bought!"
"All I know is it's a band!"
"Nirvana sells electronics?"
...and I just stood there for a seconds letting them bask in my contempt before I barked "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE FUCKING NIRVANA JOKES, JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

It got all quiet after that. Like dad just punched mom at the dinner table. Everyone's walking around like nothing happened, but all teary eyed, and I feel like the crazy guy.
If I get through today without throwing something expensive through something else that is more expensive, it'll be a miracle.

Rant - Solo Acts

2008-06-25T20:32:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling bad about my last post. Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to win me any blogging awards. Do they even have blog awards? Oh man, now I really want one.

So here's the deal, when you're the lead singer in a successful band, why do you need to go solo? This drives me crazy, I mean lead singers get all the attention anyways. It's hard enough to make it as a musician. I mean, let's say you're the bassist for some marginal band out there, like Maroon 5, you've finally achieved your dream, you're making some money, your stupid band is all over the radio, sure your metrosexual lead singer gets all the magazine covers and groupie action, but hey you're famous-ish, so it's cool right? So one day after your stripper girlfriend drops you off at band practice you get to hear that the talentless douchebag you called a lead singer is leaving the band to do a Solo Album. You spent years locked in your bedroom alone learning scales and studying chord progressions, and learn how to look cool when you smoke. This guy was lead in his high school's production of Brigadoon and now he thinks he's freakin' John Lennon. So now he's like, "Hey thanks for making me famous. Fuck you."
Here's a few bullets to drive my point home:
No Doubt really wasn't that great of a band, but hey they had a certain level of charisma, and their songs were catchy. Then this...

-Really Gwen? Your band was holding you back from what? From making crappy hip-hop with guest rappers? I am sure the four faceless rubes that spent years touring with you when you were nobodies wouldn't have had a problem making "wee-ooh wee-ooh" songs with you if that kept the paychecks rolling in.
But no, we get two solo albums from Gwen Stefani, who is cute, but come on, let's admit it: not all that great. At anything. Especially loyalty.

This one absolutely KILLS me!
For god's sake, it's called the Dave Matthews Band, and you had to go solo?! What is it that you had to do as just plain old Dave Matthews, that the Dave Matthews Band wouldn't let you do?
Maybe that really buff guy in DMB who plays the violin was just getting too much attention and Dave had enough. He sure got his revenge when he released this solo album--that nobody bought, or heard, or cared about.
If you bought this album, and you're not directly related to Dave himself, I hate you.

I know there are bunch of great examples of this that I haven't already thought of, if anyone read this blog I would encourage you to fill me on some that I'm missing. I also know that this is a stupid thing to get all fired up about, but it's probably due to jealousy and the fact that I'm a successful musician in the body of a rhythm-deprived guitar hero hack.

Things Come to Pass

2008-06-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

I am about to turn thirty this summer and I feel more like an idiot kid than I ever have before. I feel like I'm losing everything I tried so hard to hold on to. It's numbing to see it all slipping away. I can't help but wince a little when I'm reminded of all the stupid things I've done to get myself here.
I basically did everything that I've known not to do since I was sixteen. I ran up credit cards, I bought things I didn't need on credit, I financed a car when I had one that was paid off, the list goes on. Now the house is being foreclosed, I get so many calls from creditors that they've abandoned actual phone calls in favor of the more efficient and lazy art of texting. "Hey this is Visa, you got any money for us?"
I might not have a job at the end of next week. There's that numb feeling again. It's hard to see the bright side in all of this, but I'm trying. My dad is a good source of those silver-lining type thoughts; you're building character (that's his go-to for almost any situation), at least you have your health (no joke), trust God (easier said than done with me). If nothing else, the idea that the future is so wide open would be kind of invigorating. If it weren't for all that paralyzing fear.

BFL
Oh yeah, so I didn't really finish with a bang. I didn't even get my final pictures taken. But I'm not giving up. I plan on starting another round at the end of this month. Prepare yourself for another round of "Before" pictures.
I did however accomplish one of my goals: Bench Pressing 100lb dumbbells. I did (once) last Saturday with Tim. I'm pretty stoked about that, and glad to see that although my progress has slowed, I am still progressing.

Sunday Afternoon Rant

2008-06-22T20:20:00.001-07:00

Here is a short list of bands that I am totally over:

Red Hot Chili Peppers - I do not believe it is possible for a band to be more overplayed. I am pretty sure that every radio station plays a RHCP song every at least every six minutes, whether it's a rock station, pop, hard rock, alternative, Mexican, Opera, Salsa, NPR whatever, they're all playing Californication right this second.
Metallica - Yes, yes, I know: if you like hard music you have to like Metallica. And even if you don't like hard music you have to respect Metallica. Well, I know it makes me an idiot in the eyes of most of the world, but I'm over Metallica. They did their thing, it was all cool when Enter Sandman beat out Bryan Adam's Everything I Do song that was playing every five seconds on every radio station that summer I turned 14, but hey, I'm almost 30, and I've decided that Metallica is no longer relavent. I can hear you know "What about Ride the Lightning?" Yes, even Ride the Lighting, let's move on.
Sublime - This isn't new. I've been over Sublime since day one. My brother came back from a summer in California when we were in high school, where he'd "discovered" this awesome band called Sublime. I was like, all right let's hear it! Which was quickly followed by a "this is it, this is pretty weak" That's how I still feel.

Ok, considering my often admitted to affinity for such bands as Linkin Park, Nickelback and other catchy over-produced crap rock, I know that I am in no position to be critiquing music, but hey this is my blog, so I can rip on any number of people with far superior talent than me that I choose.

Dirty J Gets Flogged

2008-06-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

So last night, we spent literally the entire time in class berating this one guy who'd just recently gotten out of jail for violating his release agreement. Apparently, his wife wasn't allowed to see his kids, and he wasn't allowed to see his wife; and one day DHS (Department of Human Services, I think) showed up at his house unexpectedly when his wife was over at his house watching his kids while he was at work. So long story short; he went to jail, and had just gotten released a few days before showing up to class.
So, Todd was put in the unfortunate position of having to evaluate this guy for DHS and tell them whether or not he should be around his kids or get unification with his wife. Since the whole idea behind this program is that you learn to take responsibility for your actions, Todd decided to put this guy's feet to the fire and see if he'd take responsibility for everything he'd done that got him to this point. He put the guy, that I'll call Dirty J, in a chair at the front of the class, and gave us a little background.
Todd told us that this guy had been in the program for over thirty weeks before Todd became his facilitator. Almost as soon as Dirty J was Todd's problem, DHS asked Todd for an evaluation. Todd went to the other facilitators who'd worked with him and asked them what their opinion of Dirty J was, and they all said that this guy wasn't really progressing, mostly he just came to class with a chip on his shoulder and put in his time. They said he didn't really take responsibility for his actions, and always had someone to blame for whatever problems he has.
Well, sitting in front of all of us Todd asks Dirty J to tell us about his time in the program. Right off the bat, I'm thinking this guy is full of it. He begins by telling us how intellectual he is, and that he was totally detaching himself from his emotions and even used his skills in math (what?) to buck the system at Bridges. He must have used the word "intellectualize" seven times in the first two minutes he was talking. Now call me superficial or whatever, but when a dude shows up to class in a dirty brown t-shirt with a faded picture of a Camaro on it, bad facial hair and running pants, the first thing I'm thinking is not: this dude is going to outsmart us all.
So he goes on and on, painting this picture of what a diabolical genius he is, until finally Todd interrupts him. "Why don't you tell us why you're here in the first place?" Todd asks. Dirty J tries to dodge the question for awhile, and then he tells us this story about how he caught his wife cheating on him, and there's no chance here he's not going to parlay this into a story about how fully badass he really is so he tells us about how he totally kicked this guys ass with his Genius Kung Fu, and then three days later he got picked up by the police.
Todd interrupts him again, asking him about why DHS is on his case. Dirty J instantly takes advantage of another opportunity to ignore the question and play up his badassness. He tells us about how he does "Major Event Security" (remind me to put a link to the Mall ninja in here somewhere) and that he works twenty hour days, and he makes a sideways mention that the house went to hell in a hand basket during the two weeks he was working this event. Todd pointedly asks him "What does to hell in a handbasket mean." Dirty J goes, "Well the laundry was piling up and the dishes hadn't been done in a couple of days." That's it, that's all he says.
Todd asks him about the spoon. Dirty J goes "oh," as if he'd forgotten a very insignificant detail "Yeah, they found a spoon in the house that they tested and it turned out to have opiate residue in it." We all jump on this: is it yours? No. Was it your wife's? No, she doens't do drugs. The more questions he gets asked about the spoon, the more he implies that it's some kind of conspiracy. Although he has no shame about telling us all about his "open-ended" prescription to Oxycodone and Morphine, and his lifelong abuse of any and all kinds of opiates, but the spoon wasn't his because he doesn't like needles. Well I think we have the proof we need here, so let's move on.
So, Todd gets frustrated with this dude's obvious denial of the situation. He opens the floor to all of us, actually makes us ask questions about the state of this dude's house. So we start asking questions:
"Was the trash piled up?"
Dirty J, responds "Yeah, the trash probably hadn't been taken out in five days or so"
"Were there clothes piled up everywhere?"
"Well, the laundry hadn't been done in about four or five days"
He keeps reverting back to "five days" I guess he thinks that sounds bad, but still reasonable, and keeps him from looking like a total greasy shitbag.
It gets to me, and I ask "Where were the kids sleeping? Did they have sheets on the beds?"
"In their beds, and yes they had sheets."
The interrogation goes on like this for a little while longer, "Was there rotten food? Was stuff smeared on the walls? How many dirty diapers were there?" Dirty J deflected all of these in the same way. Finally I spoke up, and said "Dude, I don't want to be a dick here, because I know we're all here with our own problems, but I gotta tell you this story; One time when I was in the Army, our Sergeant Major made all of us Sergeants come out to this soldier's house in my unit one weekend. This was our equivalent of a DHS situation. In this soldier's apartment there was shit everywhere, no clothes were hung up, you couldn't see the floor, puddles of random shit everywhere, every flat surface in the house was covered with garbage, food and whatever else, also the house reaked like some kind of otherworldly rotten garbage." And I went on, "like I said, I'm not trying to call you out or anything, but that dude was just like you, when we were talking to him he was like 'yeah, I've been real busy, I didn't really get a chance to clean up around here,' and we were all going nuts saying 'Dude, it doesn't get like this because you forgot to clean up for a few days, this is a lifestyle. A filthy rotten lifestyle."
My little story got Dirty J to change his approach a little, now instead of deflecting he was saying "yeah, I hate myself for letting it get this way," and other wah wah wah I'm a horrible person stuff, probably just to get us to back off. Finally Todd brought out the official DHS report.
After a little back and forth with Dirty J about whether or not he wanted to hear this report, he read it to the class. The DHS report said that there was garbage everywhere, that you couldn't go in the dining room because it was stacked with boxes in disarray. Apparently there was a little bathroom that was piled up with so many clothes you couldn't open the door. In the bedroom where the whole family slept, there were all kinds of bottles and sippy cups with various rotting liquids inside. In the kitchen there were dishes with moldy food piled everywhere, and next to an overflowing trashcan there were piles of garbage bags that hadn't been taken out. The house was infested with fleas, keep in mind that Dirty J said that there weren't any pets in the house, and the kids were covered in flea bites. And finally in another bathroom there was a toilet that was backed up and overflowing for some time, DHS couldn't stay in that area for more than a few minutes at a time.
So it got pretty quiet after that, the killer here is that while we were all sitting there quietly picturing the extent of how bad this house had been, Dirty J seemed to be oddly satisfied, as if what Todd just read had vindicated him.
After everything I've heard in my life, I'm still meeting people who astonish me with their thinking. I guess I'm just not smart enough to understand the mystery that is Dirty J.

One more thing, I want to know what kind of medical condition someone could have that would require an open-ended prescription of morphine and oxycodone, yet still that person holds down a job working twenty hour days doing security. Anyone?

Humor in Humility

2008-06-13T19:17:00.000-07:00

Last night something interesting happened in class. The lesson was on things you can do in an argument to hurt the other person, or unfair methods of fighting. Todd was talking about the idea of violating confidence. He was trying to explain that violating confidence is when someone has revealed something to you and you use that against them. "This could be something you told them, or they told you when you were vulnerable. Like some deep dark secret, or something totally humiliating." When he said this, like three guys in the room cracked up. I was sitting there thinking, "uh oh." These guys couldn't stifle their laughter just hearing the word "humiliating." I sat there for the rest of the class wondering what demented images went flashing through their minds at the mere mention of humiliation. In my head it was just the entire Jackass movie in one millisecond. Let's hope it was that innocent.

BFL- eleventh week
I have been doing good on my workouts, but my diet has really been off. I am having a hard time getting motivated to prepare my meals in advance, which has always been my problem. It's needless to say that my 12 Week pictures aren't going to be as good as I'd hoped. I am still going to take them, and try to stay motivated for the next challenge. This weekend, I am going to go grocery shopping and prepare some good food for the rest of the week. Also, I am going to start doing my food journal. When I abandoned that, it was easier to slack off on everything else.

Unmotivated 10th Week

2008-06-04T17:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I am struggling to get my mojo back this week. I have been eating ok, but this weekend my sister had her wedding reception and the whole family came down. I took it easy on the over eating but I was definitely undisciplined. It's sort of bleeding over into the week and that's exactly what I don't want to do. Today is Wednesday, and it's the first day that I've really set about eating correctly.

It's almost time for another Crazy School session. Last week was pretty uneventful. We pretty much spent the whole time talking about how we felt when the Crazy Redneck was going off in class. For some reason Todd kept coming back to me. Also, he makes it a habit to mention me cagefighting, or being in martial arts about once every five minutes in case anybody forgot. It makes me a little self conscious for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I don't want people thinking I'm some crazy fighter guy who lost control and beat up his wife, and secondly I don't want the guys in class thinking that because he keeps mentioning it, that I'm some kind of arrogant badass. Talking about how badass you are to a bunch of criminals is a good way to get your car keyed.

Anyway, I'll try and get back on track here.

Crazy School Week 4: Angry Redneck - Memorial Day Weekend

2008-05-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

So the Crazy Redneck I talked about earlier came to class with a chip on his shoulder. Last week when we were leaving he got on the elevator with me, and oh boy he was raging. From the very first time I met this guy, I had the impression that he is just a six-pack and a bad day away from killing his whole family. This impression was furthered along when he jumped on my elevator and said to nobody in particular "They want to start me over? I'll punch him in his damn head." If I recall correctly, there were also a few "They're out of their damn minds," interspersed with even more "I'll fucking punch him in the damn head."
That day the object of the Redneck's rage was our lead counselor. Apparently the Redneck missed like five weeks in a row of class, and when he finally showed back up, the counselor told him that he wasn't going to report him to the judge, but that he would have to start over. Which is a pretty good deal to me, considering how many times I was reminded about all the things I could do wrong to get me non-complied and sent back before a judge. At first the Redneck seemed to take it all in stride, calm as a cucumber. But as class went on, he started getting more fidgety, and even somebody as dense to the human condition as myself could tell he was starting to boil. I was actually a little worried that he was going to flip out and start punching walls or something by the time he jumped on my elevator.
So last night, the Redneck shows up to class already fired up. Our lead counselor guy, who I'll call Todd for now, (which isn't his name, but it might as well be considering his real name is equally as boring and it took me over a month to figure out his actual name) asks if any of us want to share anything from our homework assignment. (where we have to talk about an incident that inspired rage or contempt in us from that previous week...I wrote about the treadmills conspiring against me and shutting down trying to kill me when I was sprinting...anyways) Redneck immediately jumps up "I do, oh boy do I ever" So he gets more and more antsy, this guy can't hold still in his chair for more than a second. Todd is like, bring it on dude. I gotta give Todd credit, the Redneck isn't much of a threat, physically speaking, but I've known enough crazy people to know that you shouldn't egg them on, especially when they're already going threatcon yellow. So Redneck guy starts in, "you told me I have to start this program all over, and I had been going here for 2o some odd weeks, and you've let other people miss more classes than me and blah blah blah." Todd just sits back in his chair. Todd fiddles with the pen behind his ear and calmly says
"No, we never let anyone go more than three weeks, that's state law and-"
The Redneck interrupts "NO! Last week you said four weeks. Four!" (I'm pretty sure he didn't actually say that, but I'm not going to interrupt, I'm enjoying the show playing out before me.)
Todd counters, "Well, I see you disagree, but that is the law, and we can hash it out here if you disagree..." Redneck latches onto this phrase: Let's hash it out. He gets all excited, and he's like "Yeah, let's hash it out, let's hash it out right now!" The rest of this story continues with Todd countering him every time he says something like "you've done this before" with a "no we haven't" and then the Redneck fills in all the blanks with "Let's hash it out!" And the end of this story is that Todd never flinches even when I'm thinking that this guy is going to come out of his chair and we're going to have an entire class of batterers trying to stop a fist fight from breaking out. How's that for irony? Todd earned some street cred with me that night, he handled himself and the crazy Redneck pretty deftly. Although I am sure that night his dog probably took the beating Crazy Redneck hoped to dole out to Todd.

Memorial Day Dieting - New PR in running

It's Memorial Day weekend. Which is great for everybody else, but to me, it's like "Crap, how am I going to follow my diet?" Part of me wanted to give up immediately and head for Taco Bell as soon as I got off of work.
Instead, I went and put in some time in the gym on the treadmill. This time, none of them tried to kill me. And I got a PR, I ran 2.58 miles in 20 minutes, while doing the High Point Ladder. I was smokin! For my 10 pace, I ran 10.5 mph, and I've never done that before.
Just for giggles, I weighed myself tonight too. I am a little worried that I won't be as disciplined as I should be this weekend and I wanted to get a good weight before I let the weekend get away from me. I weighed in at 211 lbs. Which means, that once again I didn't lose any scale-weight this week. I'm trying not to be discouraged, but I'd like to see at least a pound here and there disappear.
I only have three more weeks for BFL after this weekend. I gotta kick it up a notch.

8 Week Progress Pics - Congrats Tim - Treadmill Killer

2008-05-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my 8 week anniversary since starting BFL, so that means I have to take new pics. I had a great leg workout with Tim. And afterward I weighed in at 210 lbs on the dot. I'm not too concerned with my scale weight, as long as I feel like I'm losing fat and gaining muscle, and my pants fit looser and looser I don't care what I weigh.

Big Day for Tim
I have to say that Tim weighed in at under 200 lbs today for the first time. And I was really proud of him, I think in the past seven weeks he's only missed one workout, and from what I can tell he has been really disciplined about his diet. Congratulations Tim!

Friday's Hat Trick
and a quick note on my cardio day yesterday. Fridays are usually my "Speed day," because I drop the elevation down to zero, and I just see how much distance I can cover doing the BFL high point ladder. My record thus far has been 2.52 miles in 20 minutes. I was all set to break my PR yesterday, and I started off feeling good, feeling strong. About the time I was finishing my first cycle, sprinting the machine just shut down. So I had to jump on the machine next to it. About five minutes later, THAT machine shut down, about that time I'm pretty frustrated, and I sort of scream "You gotta be F***ing kidding me!" which gets me all kinds of negative attention in the gym. So I jump on the machine next to that one. And I am really booking I have no idea how far I've gone at this point, but I know I'm way fast for this being my last cycle. On my 10 level, I was running at 9.9 mph (a first for me) and....the machine shut down. I gave up trying to finish, and just cooled down, very frustrated that I didn't break my distance PR, but happy that I was feeling really fast.

Ok here is me from the front

And side. My arms don't look any bigger but I think that the sun just flattered them in the four week pics. Plus today was a leg day, so I didn't get that pump in my arms.

...and my new back pic. That tire around the middle is getting smaller!

4 Week Progress Pics

2008-05-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

This is what I looked like on April 19th.

I went from 232 lbs. to 214 lbs.

Here's me from the side. Getting a little less "thick" which is often a conveinent word for me to excuse myself for being fat.

Alright, and here's the pic I was sort of dreading. My back progress over four weeks. Still got that nasty band of fat, but it's getting smaller and I was really happy with my progress over the four weeks.

Alright, so that was four weeks. The only thing I changed after this four weeks, was that I moved my meals back a little so that my late afternoon meal (Myoplex shake) came less than an hour before my workout and then I immediately have another shake after my lifting workouts. I don't know if it's psychosomatic but I really felt stronger.

3rd Week in Crazy Land

2008-05-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

So I had Bridges again last night. I guess I'm winning people over in there. Last night we had to talk about behavioral vs. physical signs of when you get angry. We were going around the room sharing about our physical signs of anger, and when it got to me I said, "I usually clench my jaw, and pop my joints," and I popped my neck and my elbows. The leader guy (someday I'll remember his name) said "oh that must be from your cage fighting." and I said "yeah, I guess it comes with the territory." He sort of paused and said "wait, are you really a cage fighter?" and I said "yeah, I thought you knew that already." So a few guys in the class started asking me about that, and I had to clarify that I'm not a cage fighter, but I've participated in MMA, and still do martial arts.

Since I am trying to be positive about this whole stupid experience, I will say that my favorite part of Bridges is the odd mix of characters in the class. There's the crazy redneck guy that obviously belongs there, and then there's the really well-spoken guy who's kind of the veteren of the group who's so blantantly honest about everything it's a little disarming. He talks about his struggles with alcoholism, and the kind of person he is when he drinks as opposed to who he is when we see him. He's always interesting. Then there's this Russian guy, who mumbles crazy things in his thick Russian accent usually about how awful and stupid and cruel women are. Last night the crazy Russian guy, blindsided us by closing the evening with a poem he wrote.

First Day in Crazy School

2008-05-16T16:26:00.000-07:00

-This is basically the email I wrote to my brother the next day about my experience at Bridges

I show up to Bridges, about ten minutes early. There’s a couple of scruffy looking dudes waiting in this little area outside the room. While we’re sitting there a few more scruffy looking dudes come meandering in. The room starts to take on an air of engine grease and socks, and somewhere in there I detected a distinct smell of superglue. Anyway while we’re all sitting there, saying nothing for the most part like the world’s biggest most uncomfortable elevator, we can hear through the door to where anotehr counseling session is already happening. Out of nowhere some lady in there goes “Goddamn it! I am tired of this shit! You guys are all blahbablahablabablah” She’s kind of screaming at these guys, and I’m sitting there thinking, “oh goody, I get to go in there and get screamed at by some incoherent woman, this is new.”

It quiets down in that room somewhat after that, some of the guys in my waiting area are talking, telling their hard-luck stories. One guy is in there, he’s obviously a mechanic, he’s talking about how he has to pay $40 a week for this class, he’s on probation which apparently costs $70 a month, and he has to go to some court-mandated parenting class to get custody of his kids that is costing him like $120 a month. It really seems like the system is failing this guy, well actually it’s fucking him prison-movie style. Probably the only reason he’s not starving to death is because he’s taken a second job selling meth (just guessing on that one)

So we wait. Class starts at 7:00pm, and we wait and wait. At 7:25 we hear from inside the room “Ok, we’re like 25 minutes late, let’s wrap it up.” Five minutes (Do you know how long five minutes is, when you've already been waiting twenty-five?) later that room clears out, and that group of scruffy looking dudes comes out and intermingles with my group of scruffy looking dudes. So I’m absorbing the idea that I am paying $40 a session to come here (for the next 26 weeks) and I was warned up and down not to be late for my sessions or else I would be counted as absent and possibly be reported to the courts for non-compliance, and yet, they can just ignore us for 30 minutes.

If you’re still with me, here’s the best part. We go in, and the dude who’s in charge, the one who previously judged me to be a sociopath based on a second hand opinion from some woman who’s credentials to make such a judgment are in question, is standing there looking like some sort of yuppy douchebag. We all introduce ourselves, and then he puts on a movie. That’s it, I paid forty dollars to watch an hour of some shitty movie The Waitress.

Since you probably haven’t seen it, it’s a movie about a woman who is a waitress (who saw that coming?) who is married to a total asshole. He talks down to her, makes her give him her money from work, slaps her around and is generally a bad guy all around. I am sitting there thinking, “This is how they are trying to get the point across to me?” If I was to watch that movie in any other scenario in my life, I would be like, hey no big deal, but in that room in that context, you feel like the finger is pointed at you, with somebody saying "That's you, you're the bad guy." I sat there through the entire movie thinking that I should make some asinine remark about how I thought the guy was just misunderstood, and she was the real villain, but I didn’t want to take my chances that they would take me seriously and immediately petition the judge to put me in crazy-prison.

The coup de grace here is that at the end we have “homework.” We have to take and fill out these sheets that say “What was a situation that made you angry?” I sat there the entire time thinking that I would love to fill this one out all about my situation that evening. The problem is that they have me by the collar, all the have to do is decide that I’m not cooperating with the program and they can call the judge and screw me over.

I hate my life.

Crazy School Preliminary Meeting

2008-05-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

Part of my agreement with the court is to attend this "Batterers Treatment Counseling" or "Bridges" program for a minimum of 26 weeks and upon completion they will dismiss the charges against me.

So I make an appointment to go in for my preliminary meeting. Which consists of me sitting in a hallway filling out thousands of vaguely insulting multiple choice questionaires. I can't tell you how many different ways there are to ask you if you're an alcoholic, but I'm pretty sure that those tests covered all of them. It would go something like this

10. T/F I have many friends and form close relationships.

11. T/F I often can't make it to work because I am drunk or too hung over

12. T/F I feel that the World has caused me considerable pain and misery

13. T/F My family often accuses me of being an alcoholic

It seemed like every other question was trying to trick me into admitting I'm an alcoholic, like somehow I wouldn't answer 99 of the questions right, and then there would be that one question where they got through, like "True or False, I often fall asleep on the toilet with a bottle of Jack Daniels" and I would be like "Shit, who hasn't done that? This week." oh no, they got me!

Anyways after I fill out all the tests, I have to go in for an interview with this young woman. She asks me to tell her about myself, and all about the incident that brought me there. So I do, I tell her everything, the stuff she did to me, the stuff I did wrong, everything. I think this is going pretty well. In my head I am showing that I'm cooperative, and honest, and willing to work with the program. We talk for awhile, and it seems really casual, and at the end she's closing up and she says something about how they'll evaulate me and get back to me about which program I should be in, the 12 week, the 26 week or the 42 week program. I point out to her that the judge actually told me that I'm on a 26 maximum program, and she notes that on her forms, and then I'm on my marry way.

...the next morning

My lawyer calls me. He's upset. So he asks me in a very concerned tone "What the hell happened in there? Did you flip her off and tell her that you weren't gonna take any of her shit?" I was in shock. No, I thought it went really well, and I fill him in on everything that went down with the tests, and my interview with the girl.
Well it turns out, that apparently the head counseling guy read her notes on me and determined that I'm a "Very dangerous individual," and that I "showed sociopathic tendencies." Uhh, what? So, I'm left sitting here thinking, what the hell did I say?
I tell my sister who's a counselor about it, and my friend who is also in the counseling field, asking them for insight on what I could've done or said that gave this impression. We're all pretty confused by it. But we have our theories: either the DA (who didn't like the deal I got) gave the people over at Bridges a call and told them not to trust me or that I'm a psycho that got away with it or something. Or my personal theory that when you don't know me or my wife, and I tell you stories about things that have happened or went down, I think I might sound like a guy who's making this stuff up. It's all a little over the top, and I can see how especially in that field they get a lot of guys coming in their with some wild stories. So maybe she just assumed that I was trying to justify my being there with wild fish-stories, and put that in her notes. I'll never know for sure.

So my lawyer faxes over the judges comments about me (being basically a decent guy) and all my character statements, and his own opinoin of me. And a couple of days later, I give the head counseling guy over at Bridges a call, just to state my case.
He's nice, but really stand-offish, he's probably had to deal with a lot of weirdos calling him up on this stuff. But he explains to me that usually in such extreme circumstances, they wouldn't ever have a person in less than the 42 week program and he can't understand why I'm only doing 26 weeks. He says as long as I go along with the program, and do my assignments we shouldn't have a problem getting me out in 26 weeks or so.

At this point I want so badly to point out that the judge said "maximum of 26 weeks," but I don't want this guy thinking that I'm uncooperative or...you know a freakin' sociopath.

Beginning of BFL

2008-05-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

This is what I looked like back on March 24th.

This Back shot is the one that really made me go "whoa, I need to do something about this."

So even during the time when these pictures were taken, I thought of myself as "in shape." I worked out semi-regularly, I did some martial arts and stuff, I thought my diet was pretty good. I couldn't believe what these pics showed me.
Backfat, moobs, tube arms; I look like a loser. It's time for a change.

Background

2008-05-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

So this is my blog. I've threatened to do this for awhile now. So here it is.

A little background....

I'm 29 years old. I was in a domestic dispute with my wife back in January, and as a result of that fight, I have been placed in a Batterer's Treatment Program for 26 weeks. Since the incident in January I've moved into my parent's house. Part of the protective agreement for my wife is that she gets to live in our house, and I'm not allowed to contact her in any way outside of couple's counseling.
Since moving out, I've spent a great deal of time in "the Fortress of Purpletude" or my room at my parent's house. I went through a few weeks of obligatory depression where I didn't do much more than get off the couch to go buy fast food. But at some point, I decided to try and use this time for something a little more positive, and I decided to enter the Body for Life program.
So all in all this is my blog about being in batterer's counseling, and also probably some stuff about my fitness program.