Sitcom-Style Family Weekend

This Weekend I went up to Bellingham Washington to visit my family.

I wanted to show off my baby cousins.
I had a great time with everyone. I have the kind of family that you only see on wholesome sitcoms. All the aunts, uncles and cousins and their kids get together for barbecues and dinners and church. Everyone's laughing and talking and passing food around I can't describe how great it felt to be there. I almost forgot what an awesome family I have up there. I really came back from this weekend built-up. It was the best birthday weekend I could have hoped for.

Buttrock... Literally

Let's take a look at the last few albums I've purchased (editor's note "purchased" should have those sarcastic little quote marks - there that's better)

This is Stereoside's album So Long. It's pretty good. Nice Cover. Classy.

This is Tantric's The End Begins. It's ok, there's a really good song called The One on it.

This is Saving Abel's self titled album. It's also pretty good. I can also respect their taste in cover art.

I'm sure this says something about me. I wonder what that could be.

New "Before" Pictures

Pretty rad sunburn

So I've definately lost some headway. I'm a little discouraged but, I am getting back on my feet. I know if I can be discplined for a week or so, I'll lose a lot of the water weight that I've gained in just a few weeks.
I didn't bother blocking out my face. I better not find my images on some goofy site with the word "FAIL" emblazoned underneath.

Bridges Week 10 - Fernando Revealed

General Recap

This was another week full of laziness on my part. I didn't go to the gym, and I was all over the place on my diet. My workout buddy Tim is coming back from a business trip and I told him that we are taking "before" pictures again. So those will be posted this weekend, or Monday at the latest. (Editor's note: I guess Tuesday at the latest)
I have been struggling with feeling sorry for myself, especially since I got "laid off" at work. I guess I can explain that a little. The small company I work for is really struggling, partly because of the economy and also partly just because we've hung our balls out there on some risky business decisions that aren't paying off like we'd hoped. My boss approached me and we'd talked about the status of the company and whether or not there were going to be layoffs. After we talked I spent the whole night thinking about it, and everything else going on in my life. By the end of the week I was obsessing about it nonstop so I took a meeting with the boss. I told him basically that I really love this company and that I want to see it survive. I know who we can live without, and still survive and unfortunately I'm one of those people. At first he was incredulous, but I finished by telling him that I was so financially abysmal right now, that even getting laid off wouldn't really make it any worse. So on Monday he called a couple of us into a meeting and let us go. Even thought I knew it was coming it still stung. I know it must have been a thousand times worse for the other guys who still have families to feed. So now I'm sort of a volunteer at work for the time being. I told the boss I would hang around for a month or so, and if they don't rehire me, I would move on.
I've been sleeping at weird times, and not sleeping at night, which isn't helping any part of my life. I'm still riding my bike to work which is probably the best part of my day. I got some good tunes to rock out to along the way:
Motley Crue's new one
Sabastian Bach's (of Skid Row fame) solo album (feat. Axl Rose, hell yeah!)
Sixx AM, Nikki Sixx's (of Motley Crue) new band.
So by the time I make it home, I'm usually all jacked up on buttrock. Then like twenty minutes later I go to bed.

Bridges Week 10

Todd shifts the focus on Fernando. Fernando is this quiet guy who's been coming to class pretty faithfully. When he does offer something to the class, which is rare, he is well spoken although obviously sorrowful. Tonight he actually offered up that he'd been having some problems with his family and that his son has disowned him. When Todd asked him why, he said he didn't really know. Todd was waiting to pounce on this like a lion on an short-sighted gizalle with obesity issues because he jumped up and said "You don't know why your son won't talk to you? Well let's get this figured out." Then he whipped out his pen and began to write on the whiteboard. I am learning very quickly to fear this pen.
We spent the next hour or so talking about everything that Fernando ever did wrong. Whether his son knew about it or not. I have to hand it to him, Fernando was a trooper, he admitted to things, and didn't make excuses for the most part. With every new confession Todd would try to ease the sting a little bit by telling him that it hurt now, but it was going to feel so much better afterward. He would always punctuate this by referring back to Orge (who'd gone through this type of interrogation the week before) and saying "Right Ogre?" To which, he'd always grunt out a hesitant "Yeah." He must've said "yeah" and nothing else, twelve or thirteen times that night.
So that's pretty much it. I'm not going to tell you all the stuff Fernando fessed up to, but it's fair to say that he was a pretty messed up dude and it seems like he's really trying to put his life back together.
He did say that his son told him that he never wanted to be like him. I really can't think of any single thing that somebody could say to another that is more painful than that.

Abuse Clarified

Along the lines of what Fernando went through, I feel like I the need to clarify. I figure the people that read my blog are probably not as familiar with "abuse" as somebody who's had the forced education that I have.
This is the abuse wheel, we have like ten of these posted up all over Bridges.

So if you're like me, the first time you look at this, you're like, whoa those a pretty severe. Once you read "Forcing her to have sex with others" it's pretty much seared into your brain and it's hard to see anything beyond those big bold awful letters.. But if you've been staring at this circle of awfulness day after day, you start to see the rest of it. Those little last sentances in the descriptions sometimes hit a little too close to home.
Everything here elicits images of evil, but stare long enough and you start to see the subtleties. The Devil is in the details here. When I examine myself and look at this wheel I wince when I remember where I've danced on some lines, and completely crossed others, especially in the Abusing Her Feelings piece of the pie.
I say this because I feel like if I admit that this has been a presence, it will further ensure that nothing on the Power & Control chart will ever have a place in my life again.

Bridges Week 9 Recap - Ogre Revealed

Lately it's been hard to sit down and write when I always feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of nervous meltdown. So I decided to write this out downstairs while my mom shuffles around in the kitchen making Sunday dinner.

This week in Bridges, my batterer's treatment class, a guy showed up who's attendance has been pretty all over the place. And when he does show up he definitely shows off how much he doesn't want to be there, staring at the clock, shuffling around, not participating. One time he showed up with his Robert Downy Jr hangover sunglasses on and kept them on for the whole class. Todd has made it pretty clear that he's not too keen on this kid that I've decided to call Ogre, because he's one of those big dumb kids with a overly low registered voice. He also has the same shaggy haircut that the incredible hulk always had, a comparison that I am sure he would delight in. If he could read.
Todd has taken the few opportunities he's had to call Ogre out. One night the class was really full and Todd said "who doesn't want to be here?" and he didn't give anyone a chance to respond before he just pointed at Ogre and said "Go out in the hall and watch a movie with the others." Ogre just grunted and lumbered out into the little reception room where Todd banished a few of the late comers to watch some feel good movie like The Waitress. Since I hate the idea that I am paying $40 to watch a crappy movie, I was really relieved that I got to stay in the room and talk about feelings with the rest of the rubes.
Well tonight, Todd had his sites set on Ogre. He started by talking about how every time he asks Ogre how he's doing, Ogre makes a big show of talking about how great he's doing, how awesome his life is and so on. Todd said "Well tonight we're going to talk about your life a little bit Ogre." Todd tells us that the first night Ogre came to class with a bad attitude, he said to the whole class that he didn't belong there, and that he wasn't like you guys, he doesn't go home and beat his wife every night. That sort of thing is sure to win you friends in a class like this. Being in the spotlight didn't seem to bother him too much, Ogre is really pretty confident that he's got nothing to hide I guess.
"So what do we know about Ogre?" Todd asks the class. "Uh, he doesn't communicate very well," one guy finally offers. Todd is excited by this and starts writing on the white board, and starts egging us on. What about his attitude? How does Ogre come across to you guys? Todd answers his own question, "He's pretty prideful isn't he?" He writes this on the board, and finally Ogre chimes in, "Yeah, I can be kind of arrogant." Todd writes on this on the board so it looks like this:
What we see
Bad communication
Pride
Arrogant
Then Todd starts back in on Ogre "So what is it about you that you wouldn't want someone to know about you? Maybe you meet a girl, what about your life wouldn't you want her to know?" Ogre just stares at Todd for awhile and then finally goes, "Well I live with my grandma. That kind of sucks." Todd writes that on the board. What else? Nothing, Ogre can't think of anything else. So Todd helps him out.
What are you driving?
Uh, well, I had a car, and then, uh...
You ride the bus you don't have a car.
Yeah.
Where are you working?
Well I do some day labor stuff, and well...
You're unemployed, you got fired last month and you're haven't found another job.
Well...yeah.
Man this is getting pretty brutal, Todd is writing all of this on the board. Everytime he throws something else out there. Ogre is trying to save face, and is trying to explain his situation to us while Todd just keeps writing on the board. Todd writes "Alcoholic" on the board, and Ogre finally turns around and notices. Todd just points at what he wrote.
Are you an alcoholic?
Well, it runs in my family
At this eveyone in the class collectively groans. This kid can't admit to anything. Todd starts filling in the gaps for us. Ogre has called in sick to class three weeks in a row, has been fired from a job, but can't seem to understand why. Ogre has put off his alcohol assessment for weeks now. Plus the times he has shown up to class he's been pretty out of it.
Now one thing that is pretty consistant about these guys, is they always try and find a way to turn a liability into something to brag about. Ogre starts telling us that yes he has a drinking problem, and it's affected his life in a lot of negative ways, and sure enough he eventually starts shifting into the check-out-how-badass-I-really-am mode. Yeah, the other night I drank four fifths, and I should have died, but...
While he's shifting the conversation over, Todd is back to work on the board writing; "Beat the shit out of his grandmother." This totally shocked me, I mean I went back to the "I'm not like you guys, I don't go home and beat my wife every night" comment. Pretty high and mighty for a guy that beats up his grandma, especially when he doesn't know that we all have pretty unorthidox stories about why we're in the class in the first place. So Ogre is finishing up his halfassed explanation of why he's not a bad alcoholic, when he notices what Todd wrote on the board.
No I didn't "beat up" my grandma!
Were you abusive to your grandma?
Well....slightly
{GROAN}
When you were drunk?
Yes, I was drunk, but that's not why
{GROAN}
So it goes back and forth like this for awhile, with no real admission from Ogre. Near the end, at one point Todd goes "Now, doesn't it feel good to get this stuff all out in the open?" And I'm thinking he didn't get this stuff out in the open, you put it out there for him. In anycase Ogre gets to act like he's enjoying this clensing ritual and acts like he's way better off for it.
I don't have a good ending to this story yet. It just shocks me how easy it is for anyone (including yours truely) to completely dilute themselves about their situation and the choices they've made to put themselves there.

So as not to be a hypocrite, here's a short summary of all the douchebaggery that is my life:
I'm going to be thirty at the end of this month and I live with my parents
I have a bmw that I can't afford insurance or gas for, so I ride my bike everywhere
I got laid off from my job
My house is being foreclosed on
I'm bankrupt
I am in Batterer's Treatment counseling
I have been abusive to my wife

There you go. That's me. Time to go take a nap.

Epic Fail on a Bike

I've been riding my bike to work. Dont'get all crazy and start thinking that I give a crap about the environment or anything, this is just my futile way of trying to save gas money. Also it's a good way for me to get a little extra cardio in, since my diet has been lacking discipline lately.

Anyways today when I was riding home I had to stop and wait for a train to go by. I rode past the line of cars that were also waiting for the train. I have those shoes that the pedals kind of clip-in to, and you have to pop your shoes out of the pedals when you want to put your feet down. So I meandered my way up to the front of this long line of cars right up by the train, I popped my left foot out and put it down. While I was standing there, I noticed that my chain was kind of weird so with one foot unclipped and the other still stuck to the pedal I tried to do that move where you sort of pick my bike up and crank forward. Here's where I sort of lose my balance and started stumbling and bouncing around for a second before falling over in slow motion toward my clipped-in foot. So now, I'm sitting there on the side of the road, with my bike in between my legs, struggling like an upside down turtle to get my trapped foot under my bike unclipped. I'm laying there on the ground failing around like an idiot, my headphones are flying all over and finally I get my foot loose and free myself from my tangled web and stand back up out of breath from the stuggle and shear humiliation.
As I'm struggling back to my feet, I can't help but look back at the cars who I know just witnessed one of my all time greatest fiascos. There's this guy who's sitting in a semi truck at the front of the line. At worst I expected him to be laughing and at best maybe I'd get a sympathetic smile, but no. What I got was a look of what can only be described as absolute disgust. I don't know, maybe this guy just hates retards. Luckily I don't take myself that seriously, so I was already laughing when I got this look. I couldn't face anymore, so I didn't bother to look past the truck driver to all the cars behind him with a perfect view of me. So I turned back around to stare at the train and pray for it to be over before I could do anything else to make the situation worse. Then I noticed that on the other side of the tracks, even as the train was still going by, I could see on the other side the people in their cars, drivers and passengers alike, all laughing hysterically at me, all the while bobbing their heads, dodging and ducking to see through the gaps in the train to get a better look at my calamity.
While I was sitting there absorbing it all, I kept thinking "Man, I would have killed to be one of the people in those cars." I'm sure I would have told the story for weeks about the guy I saw who just inexplicably fell over while sitting perfectly still on his bike waiting for a train. I am tempted to look on the "Missed Connections," section of Craigslist to see if I won any hearts with my dynamic display of gracelessness.

Old Men Want to Fight Me

This morning I went to McDonalds to grab some last minute breakfast and when I was walking out some old man gave me a really dirty look. He totally stared me down. Even though he was a thousand years old, I realized when I got to my van that I was sort of intimidated by him. I guess he didn't like the cut of my jib.

Yes, I said van. I'm not even going to explain that.

Btw, if you haven't tried McDonald's iced premium coffee (with vanilla) woo boy you are missing out! The wife recommended them, and they're good and cheap too.