Goings On and On and on

On Religion

God is like my grandpa in Cleveland. I know he's out there, and even though I never hear from him, I am pretty sure he still loves me.

If the God of the Bible is real, he sure doesn't seem to understand people very well. I mean, ok so he sacrificed his perfect son for all of man kind -- two thousand years ago. And I'm supposed to feel the same about it, that the people who actually witnessed this happening did? That's like saying, "Your great great grandpa loved you so much, that he gave his son a car long before you were ever born. Of course you don't get to see the car, or drive it or anything, but I wrote a book all about it. So you should totally understand how much great great grandpa loves you."

I understand the Bible is written by story tellers. Some of them were better than others. But I still have a problem with so many of the stories not making a lick of sense. For instance in Genesis, Jacob is in the middle of this trip, sort of a redemption story, and it's pretty good. But there is one part that throws me. One night when Jacob is walking along the river, he meets an angel and then he wrestles with the angel all night long, and in the morning, the angel pokes his hip and turns it, basically giving Jacob a painful hip and a limp for the rest of his life. I've read this story a bunch of times and I always hope that somehow later on in the story this will all be explained, but it never happens. They even bring it up later in the Bible in Hosea, but they basically just clarify that the crazy wrestling angel was Michael.
So I don't know about you, but let's say I meet an angel when I'm out walking around. I don't think my first instinct would be to tackle him and try to wrestle him into submission. And there are many reasons for this, first of all, I'm pretty sure that most, if not all celestial beings could kick my ass. Second, I think angels probably have a lot of cool stories, and I'd want to hear those stories, which are hard to listen to when you're trying to put a cherub in an arm-bar.
Ok, and they wrestled all night? All night? Really? Because I've wrestled for five minutes before and I was exhausted for the rest of the day, and I think I'm in pretty good shape. And here's the kicker; I was wrestling a person, not one of the heavenly host.
And the coup de grace here is that after the angel gets bored of rolling around in the dirt with Jacob he just pokes him in the hip with his finger "turning it," which I guess means he dislocated it. I've never dislocated my hip before, but I've had patients who have, and that looks painful as hell. What was the angel trying to prove here? Is it like when I used to arm wrestle my dad and he would pretend to struggle for a little while and then just as my confidence was beginning to build, he would slam my arm down? The angel sounds like kind of a dick here.
In the grand scheme of story telling, this seems pretty far fetched and worthless info. Because as near as I can tell, none of this had any real impact on Jacob. After this passage he pretty much goes back to what he was doing. I'm sure he had to limp there though.

Don't even get me started on Moses.

On Medicine

People like to think Doctor's know everything. Doctors do know a lot, but all that schooling is pretty much just to make them better at guessing. Did you know that modern medicine still doesn't know why we need to sleep? They know a lot about what happens when we do sleep, but there isn't a good explanation why those things don't just naturally happen as we go through our day. Right now the way that we explain how muscles work is till considered a "theory," we're not even sure about that! It wasn't that long ago that people actually figured out what germs were. All I'm saying is that the learning curve is pretty steep when it comes to our bodies and doctors are still figuring out things all the time. But try not to be so shocked when you go to the hospital and the doctor gives you a long list of things that might be wrong with you, instead of just telling you what you have. He's just guessing.

On Pets

Pets to me are like homeless people. I'm not mean to them or anything, but I just don't want them in my house touching my stuff.

On Book Titles

The other day I noticed a book Crazy for the Storm. I read the insert and it is indeed a story about a guy was involved in a storm. The book title really bothered me though. Couldn't they have called it Storm Crazy, or Trapped on Storm Mountain, or Crazy because of the Storm? I haven't read this book yet, so maybe it gets clarified somewhere in there, but I doubt it.
I read this other book not that long ago called White Teeth. It was a good book, but nevertheless it had nothing to do with white teeth. In fact I don't think teeth were ever even mentioned in it. It was a story about two families in wartime London. No teeth talk, at all.
So I came up with this theory that maybe all the good book titles have been taken, and since you can't really write a book and call it War and Peace, or Gone with the Wind and hope nobody notices that you've ripped off a classic, authors have been reduced to what horse trainers do with race horses. Since horse's names are registered, and you can't register the same name twice, all the normal names like Jared, and Snowball got used up in like five minutes, so now horse people come up with crazy names like Captain Sunshine of the Forgotten Ape People. Which would be both an awesome book and an awesome horse name.

A Look-How-Funny-I-am Story for My Sister

I had to study until 2:30 in the morning tonight because we had case reviews that wasted our whole evening. Case reviews are these meetings we have with our sister department where we talk about certain calls we've had over the past month or so. These might be cases where we did something very well, and often they are cases where we've done something very wrong. Tonight's meeting was more or less benign.
But near the end of our meeting our Medical Director, a crazy physician that only wears kilts and army boots (not making this up) started talking about the new rules that say Paramedics are going to be allowed to give vaccines. This is all built around the big push to get everyone vaccinated against the H1N1 Flu virus (more commonly known as "Swine Flu") He gave us some good info and background into the politics behind the vaccine, the company that produces it and the PR around getting everyone dosed up. I won't go into it here, but it's all shady, and I won't be taking the vaccine.
The point here, is that near the end, our Medical Director a very serious man (despite the kilt and army boots) asked if there were any questions. There were some comments from the peanut gallery about who is and isn't going to take the vaccine and finally I raised my hand. When the doctor called on me I said, "As a Physician, what do you believe the chances are that this vaccination will eventually lead us into the zombie apocalypse?" Everyone laughed, and to that I said "You can't tell me you all weren't thinking the exact same thing!"
The end.

The Insanity Begins

So I fizzled out on Body for Life...again. I was doing good, and then school ended, and I realized that I wanted to cram as much fun and debauchery into the four weeks I had for vacation before starting Paramedic school.
That mission was accomplished. I managed to go on a few cool dates (more on that later), went camping, hung out at the river, drank A LOT of beer, played some videogames and saved some babies and kittens. All this summer fun crammed into four weeks.
So now that school has started, I've decided I needed a change up on my workouts. One night me and Brett were sitting up in the Fire Station talking about working out and in the background there was an infomercial playing about some fitness videos that we kept getting distracted by. It's called Insanity, and it's like the next P90x or whatever. Brett was like "I would do that,"
"really?"
"well, yeah. But I am not paying $105 for the DVDs"
"If I get them, will you do this program with me?"
"...uh, yeah I guess"
So yeah, I made some internetting happen and I got us some perfectly legitimate copies of the workout series. On Sunday we had to do the Physical Fitness test. So we all gathered down in the fire engine bays and set up my little laptop with speakers and we went to work. It wasn't long before we were all laying sweat-soaked, groaning and panting on the cold concrete floor. It was brutal.
Anyways, it's late and I am doing this because I promised my sister I would start keeping up with this again, and I think it's important. I love you sis (and the rest of my family and friends who read this)

4 Weeks Progress

Here are the pictures from last Friday. They don't show a whole lot of difference to me, but I know that my clothes fit better, and that I've lost about eleven pounds. They say the biggest changes take place after the first month, so I'm looking forward to that.

Reading from the Good Book

Today just to get myself motivated I started reading my Body for Life book again. It's amazing how inspirational some of the stories are, even though I've already read them at least ten times already. I also find myself thinking about the people in my life, and how I think some of those stories would really speak to them. I've learned by now that people need to find the will on their own to really make a change, and I am hoping that by accepting and ultimately completing this challenge that I will be able to lead by example. Once I have completed this first challenge, I am going to really start "preaching the gospel," to some of the people I care about that I think could really benefit from the Body for Life program.
I have four week pictures that I was going to upload today, but the batteries in my camera are dead, and so I have to charge them up. They should be posted tomorrow.

Back In Action

I had a great birthday. I ended up taking basically two days off from training and dieting, and I could totally feel it today when I was running. It felt like I started over from scratch. Like my body was saying "Whew, I'm glad we're done with all that exercising nonsense, back to slug land," and then I just shocked it back to life by running my balls off on the treadmill.

I got a new tattoo for my birthday. And I was looking at some of the pictures of me while I was getting it. Some of them were actually kind of encouraging but the ones of me with my shirt off definitely showed me that I have a lot of work left to do. My abdominal section is still flabby as all get out, but my arms have definitely showed improvement. Hopefully the tattoo will give me another good reason to hit the gym hard.

Adventures
I made a pledge to myself that while I was going to get through the 12 weeks of Body for Life, I wasn't going to let it totally dominate my time and ruin my summer. I knew I was going to have to be careful and plan my diet around some of the activities I wanted to do. I have had a really eventful and fun summer so far, even with all my responsibilities.

A Day in the Life...

Here is a quick summary of my day today.
Got up way too early this morning to go to rescue class, but I was psyched because I knew we were going to cut up cars.
Got to rescue class and had to scrounge through piles and piles of old turnouts (firefighter gear) because nobody told us we should bring our own. So I ended up wearing mismatched and ill-fitting gear all morning long.
Cut up a bunch of cars with cool tools like the jaws of life and the sawzall, even got to cut up an old ambulance. Learned a lot about auto-extrication. Sweated a lot in my jacked up gear in the blazing sun. Grabbed a quick lunch after class.
Went to ridiculous Intro to Computers class where I found out I did the wrong assignment. Had a talk with my hippy teacher after class and played the birthday card so she'd forgive me for missing homework and doing the wrong homework. Totally worked.
Headed out to work because I was on shift today. As soon as I walked in the door we all got called out to a field fire. Had to jump into my wildland gear even though I was still sweaty from Rescue Class. Jumped into the truck with Wes and buzzed out to the fire.
Me and Wes were some of the first to arrive in the Squad (small truck with a pump and hose set up) so we drove out into the field that was on fire and I jumped out grabbed the hose and hustled along side the truck putting out the fire. My first real fire!
Got back to the station and had to clean up everything. Then I was told that I was going out to the local fair/rodeo to work as an EMT in the first aid booth. Got dressed up in my new pants and boots and headed out to the rodeo.
Watched an awesome rodeo full of minor accidents that really didn't need too much attention from me. Put a band-aid on a pretty girl who got a rope-burn. Talked a lot of shit with my fellow EMTs working the rodeo.
After the rodeo there was a concert, some minor Country star that I can't remember. Did a lot of people watching (checking out girls) Drove around a lot in the Gator (golf-cart like thing) for no reason other than it was fun.
Went on the Zipper with Moon, the biggest guy in the department. We definitely did not meet the weight and size standards for that ride, but the carny didn't care, he just rammed us in there and we were off. Pretty sure I went from "this is a terrible idea" to "that was the best idea I ever had" in a few short moments. Screamed and laughed a lot.
Concert and fair over. Headed back to the station. Beat. Awesome day.

Week 4 Begins with a Hangover

I guess if I am going to blog on my days off, I should probably do it in the morning, because they have a way of getting away from me. Yesterday I went to my friend's baby shower/luau/bbq. It was all very wholesome and family friendly, in fact I think I when I showed up I was the only single person there, which is always so much fun. But as the night wore on and the grandparents and older folk began to disperse, the beer and assorted adult beverages began to flow more liberally. My friend (who I've decided to call Lacey) showed up and kept me company, so that I didn't have to feel like too much of an outcast amongst the seas of couples. We had lots to drink and eat, and it was a good night, but I was definitely a little slow moving this morning.
I really had to fight to maintain my diet today, for some reason nothing sounded better than getting some Taco Bell and just veg out in the air conditioning all day. Somehow I conquered that impulse and got through the day.
Tonight I made vegie burgers for dinner. I don't know, but for some reason they've been sounding good, so I decided to go for it. Turns out they are really good. The only problem is that they don't have near enough protein. So I ended up having a handful of almonds with my burger on whole wheat bread with fat-free swiss cheese.

The Parts That Won't be Forgotten

We got a call to a person who had "overdosed on alcohol" tonight. When I showed up, it turned out to be a painfully young girl. She was drunk, but probably not in any real danger health wise. Her family was there and all very concerned, but her father was angry. We asked him if he wanted us to take her to the hospital, and at first he said no, but then after a minute he reconsidered and was like "yeah, take her to the hospital, do everything you need to do." So we loaded her up and gave her an IV and some anti-nausea medicine. She howled when we gave her the IV. And our medic gave her the talk about all the bad things that could have happened to her because she got so drunk. It was hard for me to concentrate on what was happening because I couldn't help but think about the girls, that I used to look out for, and wonder if anyone is looking out for them now. The one part of my old life that still haunts me at some point everyday are the thoughts of the daughters I no longer have.
That girl is now at the hospital, and she'll be ok. She's obviously on a bad path. I can only hope that this gets her family's attention and they do a better job of protecting her from herself.

Week 3 Comes to a Close

Well, it has been a good week. I just finished a strong leg workout, and my back is feeling really good. This is due no doubt in part to the 2400mg of Ibuprofen I've been taking these last couple of days.
I am at work and I have to get back to my chores, I just didn't want to miss a post. Tomorrow is my friend's baby shower, and it's a barbeque type event, so I plan on gorging on some good (but bad for me) bbq. Yay free day!

Oh yeah, I weighed myself the other day on a whim. I hadn't worked out or anything and it was late in the day, but it looks like I've already lost about eleven pounds. I know a great deal of that is water weight, but it's still really encouraging!

Back Pain is Back

So I'm still a little high on life from last night. Our patient made it through the night and the outlook isn't great, but it isn't dismal either. I'll take it.
Today I went down to the river with a bunch of the guys to go swimming and to jump off of stuff. I was having a great time, and maybe I've been feeling a little too bullet-proof, because I decided to do a backflip off a rock into the river and when I did it my back locked up again. It has been really painful all day. I made a hasty appointment at my chiropractor and he got me in today. He said that it looks like I just shocked my joints, and that I probably didn't do any real damage. I need to give it time to really heal. Then he said "Yeah, this might mess up your summer." I am not happy to hear that, I don't want to feel like this all summer, hell, I don't want to feel like this next week.
Anyway, I decided once again not to do my workout tonight. I am feeling kind of bad about it, because this is the second workout I've missed and I haven't even been going a month yet. Plus it's an upper-body workout, and that is really where I have been concentrating on getting stronger up until the back injury. I think maybe on my Free Day in the morning if I am feeling good I will try and sneak in a good upper body workout so I don't fall too far off the track here.
I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some steaks for dinner tonight. I definitely ate more than my appropriate servings tonight, but I am not going to be too stingy. Maybe it's all psychological but I feel like I need the meat to rebuild and heal faster. I am also taking an obscene amount of Ibuprofen in the hopes that it gets the inflammation down fast.
Ok, I sound like a spaz again tonight. But I wanted to get this done before I pass out from meat overdose.

A Good Day Not to Die

Seeing dead people is a part of this job. I think I was pretty prepared for that from the beginning. Being there when they died was harder to deal with. When I was in Iraq and they were just splattered all over the place, it was easier to detach myself from the fact that all that mess was once a person. I haven't been doing this job for very long and I've had my fair share of lost patients.
Tonight I was on a call and when I went in he was awake and talking to me. I was taking his blood pressure and asking him questions when he went out like a light. The team on scene sprung into action, but I have to admit when I was going to work on him that I was thinking "Ah boy, there goes another one."
We went through the whole routine that you always see on TV. We put him down on the floor and I jumped in to do CPR. And I have to say; I fucked him up. If he had one intact rib left after I got done with him, I would be shocked. The other guys took care gettting an EKG and the paddles They shocked him a couple of times while the others pumped him full of cardiac drugs. I'd seen this whole routine before, and while I was punishing his rib cage I wasn't hopefull all our efforts were going to amount to anything except another dead guy, full of drugs and broken ribs.
So, you can imagine my reaction when after the second shock, homeboy started struggling and grunting I was like "Sweet Lord, it's a fucking miracle!"
We got him to the hospital, and he wasn't just alive he was awake. At one point, we were talking to him like we always do, saying things like "Just relax, we are taking you to the hospital, you're going to be ok," He managed to whisper in a very Sam Elliot manner "I'll take your word for it."
When we dropped him off at the hospital and started gathering our stuff, I realized that I don't think I've ever felt that way before.
It's hard to describe, especially when I'm trying to avoid sounding like some kind of touchy, feely hippy. Basically the only thing I can compare it to was Iraq, when we got into intense situations over there I had the same kind of rush, but I always came away from it so angry, full of resentment, and just mad at the world. This was the same kind of rush, but I felt so happy, and so positive, and full of...love. Oh god, I'm a hippy.

Body for Life
It's going good. Tonight I came back full of so much pent up energy that I totally destroyed the HITT cardio routine. I ran about 2.5 miles in 20 minutes, and burned up around 400 calories. As I write this I can still feel my heart pounding. I'm feeling great. Looking forward to an awesome day tomorrow.

Weakest Post Ever

Missed another post! Almost missed tonight's too. I am going to have to watch myself. I do not want to start slipping already.
Ok, it's almost two in the morning and I have work tomorrow. I did my leg workout tonight, and it went well despite the fact that my back is still a little sore.
Sleepy time.

Weekend Number Two

Wow, I almost missed another day! Being a Body for Life disciple is going to be harder than I thought.

Well, I skipped my first workout. Friday morning I went to my chiropractor because my back just wasn't feeling any better. He really worked me over, and so I was still pretty sore all day. I decided that I wasn't going to push myself, I need to let it heal. I am really paranoid about my back, I don't want to end my career before it really starts.

Ok, well today was free day. I was on shift all day, but I somehow managed to take full advantage. My goodness all this pop is really bloating me already. Back at it tomorrow!

Feats of Modern Evolution

I remember the first time I ever saw a real whale in the wild. I went on a whale-watching tour out on the Pacific ocean, and after tooling around for a little while in a tiny boat we happened upon a pod of humpback whales. They kept coming to the surface and spouting, and one got so close that I swear I could have reached out and touched it right from the railing. I mostly remember two things about that day; one, whales smell terrible. They smell like rotting sea garbage. And the second thing I remember is that I couldn't get over the idea that something that big, could be alive. They were so massive and powerful, the only thing in my life I could compare it to would've been something like a steam-train.

I also remember when I was in Iraq. We had to go do some training revolved around driving fast and shooting, skills which I'd hoped at the time would be unnecessary. In order to do this type of training, we had to get as far away from people as possible, for obvious reasons. So we drove out into the middle of the desert, and we drove all day. It was literally almost a hundred and ten degrees in the middle of the day, and we just kept driving. At about the fourth hour of puttering a long we came across a herd of camels meandering across our route. There were probably twenty of them, brown ones and white ones and even a couple babies. We had to stop when they crossed our path, and I sat there and watched as a few of them walked right past the front of my humvee.

That day I remember thinking something similar to what I'd felt watching the whales. They were quite large, in fact, up until that point I guess I'd never really taken the time to realize just how big a camel really is. In some domesticated suburban part of my brain, I'd just automatically assigned camels to the "about as big as a horse" category. Turns out they're about a horse and a half. But the thought that really gripped me, as I sat baking in my humvee, is "How are they still alive?" We'd been driving for hours and hadn't seen so much as a tumbleweed, and these animals are somehow able to survive. And somehow thrive, you don't get to be eight feet tall eating sand. That thought stayed with me for a long time, how could such a thing be possible.

Tonight I had that experience again. I went on a call to a care facility, and there is a patient there who needed to be transported via ambulance to the hospital for some non-emergency care. The reason they needed firefighters there is because this guy, that we'll call Clyde, weighs in excess of 1,100 lbs. He is rumored to be the second heaviest man in America.

Working at this firestation I'd heard rumors about Clyde, but I just couldn't imagine what a person that big would be like. I've watched all the shows like, Life in the Obesity clinic, so I figured I had a pretty good grasp on what I would be dealing with. I was wrong, because I wasn't prepared at all for what I would see and have to do.

Clyde was laying on his bed with his legs splayed out, tennis shoes and socks on his feet, while the rest of him was covered only mostly by a sheet. He looked a giant puddle of a person, or maybe a pile of a person would be more accurate. The idea here is that he is like an amorphous blob with a head.

There were about ten of us there, all milling around, trying to get the oversize stretcher and lift system into place in preparation of our move. He seemed to be unaware of what we were there to do as he happily went on playing his videogames.

Finally when one of the medics asked him about the sheet he was laying on, he said "Oh yeah, I'm gonna need a new sheet, this one is soiled." It took a moment for what this really meant to sink in for me. Then he said, "When you roll me, they're going to have to clean me up." By then the horror of reality had caught up with me. He had been sitting there, playing his videogames, for god knows how long stewing in his own filth. He was just waiting for the right opportunity to come along so someone could clean him up. How convenient that I could be there for this.

So we get all our systems in place and about eight of us gather around the bed and pull the sheet down so we can get a better grip on him. His legs, oh my god, his legs. They didn't look like they belonged to a person, but rather maybe a midget elephant with bad circulation. They were huge and lumpy in all the wrong places. And when I put my hands on them I expected it to be like a mushy fleshy feeling, but I was wrong there too because his skin was as tough as what I'd expect a rhinoceros' hide to be like. Apparently his skin, after years of trying just to contain his bulk, had become thick like armor. We give the old heeve-ho, and roll him onto his side, and right then the nurses that had been waiting behind us come darting in with their giant baby wipes. I had been unfortunate to be on the business side of this roll, and I could read no sympathy in the eyes of my lucky compadres who'd chosen to be on the face side of this maneuver.

Now I have a diminished sense of smell, and I have never been more thankful for that fact until tonight. As I tried to concentrate on anything else, vapors still wafted up, so thick, I felt like I could see the stench. Those nurses, god bless'em, did their best, and since I went to my happy place, I have no idea how much progress they really made on cleaning him up, but what I do know is that, everything within four feet of his "business end" had fecal residue on it. The sheets, the stretcher, the harness, and unfortunately even my gloves all received their fair share of the filth.

Clyde treated all of this like it was a walk in the park. When we finally got him loaded, he was very casual, he just asked us to make sure the nurse brought his overnight bag for him, and once we tucked him into the ambulance he was on his merry way.

As I watched the ambulance creep away, I kept thinking, "How can that happen? How can he still be alive? How can something grow to be so huge?"

Too Early to Start Losing Days

So I missed my first post yesterday. That should be the only time in the next, oh, eleven and a half weeks that happens.

At some point I really torqued my back. Yesterday it was so sore I couldn't participate in some of the drills in my fire academy. There have been a few students in the academy that have had-- how should I put this diplomatically-- "questionable injuries" that prevented them from training with us. I am terrified of being perceived in the same light as those malingerers, so I was really trying to keep up with everyone no matter how much it hurt. It's tough, because I know that if I really hurt myself that is the best way to end my career early, but I also have my pride.

I had a leg workout tonight, and even though my back feels a little better, I really tried to take it easy. I had to drop my weights WAY down, and cut out a few of the more stressful exercises. I am proud of myself for getting my workout in under less than ideal conditions, but I can't say that I have the gym-high that I am really starting to enjoy from my workouts.

Keeping this post short tonight because I am on shift and I need to put my work costume back on.

That Which Lurks Behind the Squat-Racks

So the other day I touched on subject that is very close to my heart, and that is: douchebags in the gym. Most of the time it's easy for me to ignore the guys who spend one minute lifting for every ten minutes posing and flexing in the mirrors. I'm not hating on them, a lot of them worked really hard to get in the kind of shape that warrants so much self-adoration. But the guys that really get me are the ones that I've come to call "the predators."

There was one guy in particular at my old gym that first earned the monicker that now applies to so many. I was going to the gym pretty regularly at the time, and this guy and I were on about the same schedule. I got to know his workout schedule just because he was around the same machines on any given day. Now he was in great shape, way better than me, and I could tell it came from hard work and consistency. The other consistent thing about this guy is that anytime an attractive woman came into the gym, he would completely abandon his workout routine in order to go use whatever machine happened to be within the line-of-sight of that girl.

I remember watching him do this one time, when some girl came in and went over to some useless piece of equipment that only women use because they think it will sculpt their thighs or something, and all of a sudden that dude was right there next to her, squeezing and sculpting away. That's a predator.

I don't know if he had a followup to this technique of gym-stalking. But I do know that I saw some obvious looks of discomfort on the faces of a few of his victims, and this was one example of many guys who made me hate "gym guys." The gym is bad enough for self-conscious guys, I can't imagine how much confidence it takes for a woman to get in there.

Now granted, there are some women who just live for this kind of attention, and god bless 'em, they get it. But there are a lot of women who do not go to the gym to get leered at, and I hate that sort of treatment might give women another good excuse not to work out.

I am so paranoid about being seen as a "gym guy," that whenever there is a woman in my vicinity at the gym I go out of my way not to notice them. If they're bent over doing dumb-bell rows on the bench next to me, I am sitting with my back to them waiting for them to finish and resume a stance, that couldn't be mistaken for provocative.

I don't know how these guys talk to women, the ladies that aren't there for attention all seem to have their guard up, and yet, still I see these guys approaching them. I'm a pretty gentlemanly sort, but this sort of thing has made me so paranoid I don't even say "excuse me" when I bump into a pretty girl in the gym. I just do the wide eyed, "uh" and quickly shuffle away.

So to all the pretty girls that come into the gym where I work out, that hate getting leered at, and hit on by all the dorks in baseball hats and wife-beaters. From me, and the rest of the non gym-guys: We are glad you are there, please keep coming to the gym. If you want to talk to us, we will be happy to make polite conversation and we promise not to stare down your shirt, or at your butt when you are just trying to get through a good workout. Thank you.

Blatant Overuse of Commas

Obligatory Plug for Body for Life website
There are some new videos of last year's champions on the website. I watched them and found them to be really motivating. They show Porter Freeman surprising the winners at their houses, and then has short interviews with the champions about Body for Life and their winning philosophies. Ok, I'm quitting now, I sound like a disciple.

Personal
I have this Anatomy and Physiology class that I am trying to get through this summer that is totally killing me. I'd been out of school for years, and it never really bothered me to work during the summer, but for some reason its torturous to study and go to class when it's gorgeous outside. Also since summer term is a little light on schedule options, I have two 4-hour sessions a week. My brain reaches maximum threshold about an hour into every class, and then I just have to endure the next three hours as valuable knowledge just goes floating in and out of my head.
The thing is I have to pass this class. I worked my ass off to get into the Paramedic program in the Fall, and this class is a prerequisite to be allowed into the program.I am having a hard time not settling for the minimum standard. I have been getting awesome grades all year, and I don't want to start settling for C's now. I am going to get through this, I am just really struggling. I keep reminding myself to apply the mental toughness I've learned over the last two years towards "nutting-up and getting it done." That's what it takes, and that attitude is what will get me through the next eleven weeks.

Fitness
So yesterday, I went out with my super awesome sister and ate a ton of sushi for lunch. And later for dinner I had a massive cheeseburger from Carl's Jr. which I could barely choke down. Then I went over to my buddy's house to watch the fights with my brother in law and probably drank four beers. So yes, I took full advantage of my free day.
It's always so hard not to let that become a trend. But I've done a good job today. It's five o'clock, I got my 20-min HITT training in and I've had four good, clean meals. My medic is making dinner tonight, but after a bunch of back and forth about the stipulations of the program it looks like I am going to have a good dinner of chicken, brown rice, and broccoli. And then later tonight I will have a protein shake.

More Personal
I focus a lot of energy into making myself not miss my family, but living at the firehouse sometimes punishes me with imagery and ideas about what my life was and could be like. Tonight my medic's family came in to make us all dinner and hang out. He has two little boys and a girl, and I thought it was so cool for them to come down and spend some time with him and the rest of us. It really made my evening. But it also made me a little sentimental.

Committing Carbicide: My First Free Day

Almost anyone could make a strong argument that there is nothing good about Budlight Lime in a can, but good lord, these things go down easy. In case it wasn't obvious, I am taking full advantage of my free day on the program. The crazy thing is that even after a short time of having six small meals a day, I get full so quickly and feel full for so long. It seems like my body is trying to keep me from destroying it with too much fast food and beer. Stupid body.

I went and saw the movie Bruno with my sister and her husband. I am pretty sure I knew what I was getting into, but my god, that was an assault on the senses. I forgot how hard it is for me to watch people get embarrassed, and it's even worse when they're not embarrassed when they should be. I realized pretty early on, that I was way too sober to fully appreciate this one, and spent most of the time curled up in my seat cringing.

Tonight I am happy to clear my head of all that crude humor with a bit of good old fashioned violence. I am going to one of my old friend's house to watch UFC100. I am totally stoked about it.

Tomorrow I am back on the program and I am looking forward to planning out my week's meals, and cleaning all this crud out of my system.

Day 5, Boring title for a boring post

Fitness

Today I did well with my meals. Even though I am struggling to keep an average of 33 grams of protein per meal (it's suggested that you get 1 gram of protein for every pound of body weight, and 200 grams is actually less than I would need to meet that)

I decided to do my leg workout here at the firestation. We have a measly gym here, but I figured I could make due. I think I got a good workout in, but it's been about six hours and my back is really stiff and sore, so I'm hoping that's just a product of the workout.

I am really jonsing for some fast food. I think it's because I've been kinda bored this evening. Tomorrow is my free day, so at least I have that to look forward to!

Shoot for the Ceiling

Rant

To all the dudes in the gym wearing hats: you look ridiculous. I realize that backwards baseball hat really completes your outfit and all, the t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and matching basketball shoes. You are in a gym, you should not be worried about coordinating your outfit, much less bloody accessorizing! I would also tell these same guys to stop spending so much damn time staring at themselves (and oddly, each-other) in the mirror, but then they would just use that extra time for their other favorite activity: blatantly leering at the women who are brave enough to come into the free-weights section. I am embarrassed for all men, because of these guys, and I feel sorry for all women, especially the ones that date these guys.

Personal

One of the only good things that has come from being single again is that I am able to remain relatively drama free. After everything I've been through, I am so sensitive to even the slightest inkling of craziness, it can be a little crippling. When my friends start talking about their own personal romantic melodrama, I catch myself instinctively withdrawing and shutting down. I've already hurt some feelings because reactions like "You need a girlfriend, please stop talking to me about this!" I think my desire to live peacefully is healthy, but lately I've been protecting myself in some unhealthy ways.

Along those same lines. One of the aspects of this whole Body for Life thing that I haven't talked about, is dating. When I was coming to the decision to begin the challenge, I was really struggling with loneliness. I realized that if I didn't make some positive decisions, I would probably end up dealing with those feelings in a negative way. The last thing I need is some kind of romantic disaster. I'd probably do something I'd regret, and probably hurt somebody else. So as part of these twelve weeks, I am going to focus on being comfortable single. Since I'm not even officially divorced yet, that's probably a given, but sometimes it's hard for me to even accept that I really am on my own. I think taking this time to face that reality and get comfortable is another thing I can do to affect the rest of my life positively.

Fitness

Had a good day. I didn't get enough sleep (it is highly recommended by pretty much everyone in fitness that you should get at least eight hours) but I did get all my meals in. Tonight was my night to cook for my shift. So I made them the Southwest Turkey Tacos from the Eating for Life cookbook. They're one of my favorite meals. Everyone was really impressed by how good they were, even after I told them that they were good for them. There is some interest amongst my fellow crew members about the Body for Life system. So I am trying to foster that. It would be good to have more people holding me accountable.

...I Gotta Wear Shades

Personal

Today I took my niece and nephew out for coffee, which pretty much made my whole day. They give me faith in our future, they're amazing. They've both been through a lot, and I hope that karma or whatever pays them back for their positive attitudes and willingness to forgive the people that harm them. They're sure a hell of a lot more emotionally mature than I was -- am.

Fitness

Had a great day fitness wise. Had to cram a few quick meals in there to get my six, but I did it. The going out to coffee thing is part of another promise I've made to myself for this cycle on BFL, basically that I wasn't going to let it take away my life. The first time I really did this, about a year ago, I sequestered myself from the world, I was so afraid to mess up my schedule or cheat. I didn't take any chances. I actually did really well under that philosophy, but it wasn't very fulfilling. I decided that this time, that I would plan, and prepare, and find a way to do things that make me feel like I still have a life.

I had to hit the gym after my god-awful night A&P class, which means that I didn't get home until almost midnight, but I am proud that I could modify my schedule, and still stick to the program.

More Personal

Today I had a conversation with another friend of mine, and she was telling me about some issue she had. We were going back and forth talking about it, until I realized that we were arguing. She started off just venting about issues totally unrelated to me, and somehow I found a way to turn it into an argument. I realized that this is part of a larger personality flaw of mine, that I always need to "prove a point." It's one of the things that made me impossible to live with, and it's something that I definitely need to change.

Irreconcilable Similarities

I wasn't sure how personal I was going to get on this, and wasn't sure I wanted to even tell this story on here. But then I realized that this entire blog was originally started by documenting my trip through "Batterer's treatment." So how much more personal could I get?

I am so glad that I recently made the commitment to participate in, and ultimately finish the Body for Life program, because before when things bothered me, I would let them translate into some sort of unhealthy self-abuse: i.e. drinking, smoking or overeating. The old me, would have been dealing with today with at best, a bunch of beers and a big bag of chips.

The problems began when I had some family drama this morning that moved into a weirdly intense and combative conversation with my sister-in-law. Ultimately all that bickering resulted in nothing but stress for everyone involved. I should learn to pick my battles better.

After that I went to the gym, the place that is supposed to take care of stress. But as soon as I walked in the door I ran into my (soon to be) ex-wife's boyfriend. He obviously recognized me, and I recognized him from the weird night a few weeks ago when I came out of the bathroom at a restaurant and almost bumped into them walking in hand-in-hand. We didn't say anything, I just looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both turned around and walked our separate ways. That was painful. I would like to think that I am in a good place with it, but I really don't like running into that dude at my gym. That is supposed to be my sanctuary, and it feels violated.

I found myself struggling not to think about that night, and about him being there. It threw my whole workout off. But I got it done. I have to focus on not hating him by reminding myself that he didn't take anything away from me. I try to remember what I have, and not what I've lost. Still it hurts, and all I wanted to do was quit lifting and go smoke a cigarette.

So tonight, I wanted a healthy distraction. It just so happens that a few of my friends from the fire station are going out as The Oregon Suits. This is a group that one of the guys here started a long time ago that involves everyone getting dressed up in some haggard suit out of the back of their closet, or at Goodwill in my case. Then we gather together and go out on the town to do something that looks ridiculous for a bunch of guys in suits to do, or as the motto says "Hitting the town with class." Tonight we bowl.

It's totally cheesy and dorky, but it sounds like exactly what I need

The Border From the Gray to Now

They say the best revenge is living well. So I recently decided that I want revenge, and at the same time I wanted to continue the steep upward trend that my life has been on for about the last year or so.

There has been big gray border between my old life and the new one that I am enjoying today. I have been taking steps to finally solidify that border-line. I have a lot going on, a job that I love, a full school schedule this summer, and the paramedic program to look forward to in the Fall. There are also a lot of other things that I realized were becoming distractions, and keeping me from progressing the way I should.

Big buildup there for me to just say that I am doing the Body for Life program again. I realized with all the finality I am applying to my old life, what better way to start my new one than with discipline, focus, and a rockin' body?

Here are my Before pics...brace yourself

I have to tell you, I was shocked. I think it was only a couple of days ago, I was commenting on how good a shape I've stayed in. That's pretty embarrassing now that I can see myself.

So today is day one, my 12 weeks is up on September 28th and one of my goals is to blog here every day of it. I won't focus my future entries entirely on my fitness, but I do plan to write something here everyday.

Out with the old, well some of it anyway

So, my new obsession has been my facebook. Which I am not going to link because I like that I still have some separation between my new life and the old one documented here.

The new life includes a job working as an EMT/Firefighter in a tiny town not too far from where I go to school. It comes with a lot of everyday nonsense and drama like any other job, but at some point almost every day I am amazed that this really is my job. I can't believe I wasted so much time doing anything else.

Today I had my first patient die on me. The people that know me won't be surprised that it didn't really affect me emotionally, other than being proud of the work I did to try and save him.
I have another young EMT friend who had to deal with her first death not that long ago, and it really threw her, she is struggling to get over it. I try to be sympathetic to her when she tells me about it, but all I am thinking is, "You are not cut out for this job. People die. Get used to it." I know that sounds harsh, but at least I am honest.

Old Life
I still think about my program at Bridges every day. Part of me really misses it. Even though I left feeling angry and betrayed. It's mostly during the times when I catch myself dwelling on my wife and family and all that I've lost. I try not to think about it so much, and try instead to focus on everything I have in front of me.
...like Paramedic school. I got in. The future is indeed very bright.

Shark-bite Suit

Personal Update
I am officially an EMT now. Everyone keeps saying "wow that was fast," but I sure don't feel like that true. It's been tough, but I guess I'm not done. I just applied to get into Paramedic school, and it is very competitive. I think there are only twenty slots and from what I hear they usually get at least forty applicants. I am just hoping to get to the interview portion and play the War Hero card, and hope that skates me on through.
Until I hear back from the Paramedic committee, I am working on getting hired on a fire department, so I can start learning how to be a firefighter.

Obligatory Rant
So I have been meaning to write this for awhile now, pardon the fact that it's no longer current. Awhile back I was watching the news in the morning and one of the news ladies came on and started talking about the Academy Awards that had taken place a night or two before. She kept going on and on about how great it was, and how many amazing people were there, and then at the end she said something about the next awards show, and how great that was going to be.
I sat there staring at the screen thinking about the absurdity of this. How many occasions do these people need to get together and congratulate themselves on having the easiest fucking job in the world? What other job does that? None.
The thing that really gets me is what a huge deal people make about performances by stars like Tom Hanks, or Brad Pitt, or whoever; where it's like "Oh my god Tom Hanks you were so brilliant when you pretended to be that guy who actually did something brilliant."
Very rarely do any of these big names write the story they are acting out, or perform any of the stunts. Recently I saw an interview with Marky Mark (sans Funky Bunch) after he had played the lead role in the (simply awful) movie Max Payne. When he was asked about the parallels between the movie and the video game it was based on Marky said that he'd never bothered to play the game so he had no idea. Unfortunately for Marky Mark the video game was much much better than that movie. But I find it a little offensive that he played this role and didn't bother to do any research at all into the origins of his character.
What's more is often these actors are getting paid millions of dollars to pretend to be people who actually did these amazing things, often for little or no money at all. In Jarhead, Jake Gyllenhaal got paid probably a hundred times what a typical marine gets paid, and I'm sure he got to go back to his air conditioned trailer every night and sleep on his king sized bed knowing that his life was never in any real danger.
So I'm just saying if the world was fair, Brad Pitt would make $30K a year. I realize that there are good actors and bad actors out there, and I will admit that I think Brad Pitt is a good actor. I just don't think that this totally intagible "skill" should make him so ridiculously wealthy he can afford to start a collection of children, one from each continent.

Training
I have been doing pretty good on my training lately. I'm still about fifteen pounds heavier than I'd like to be come summertime, so I gotta sharpen up even more. I have been pretty proud of myself for staying responsible when it comes to my eating and training.
I recently started doing MMA again with some of the guys from the EMT program. So far it has only been once a week, but we are looking to increase our gym time. So far I am loving it.

Poise and the Well

Back in Bridges
Since my required time officially ended, I switched groups at Bridges so that I could sort of start fresh with a new group of guys. It's weird now I'm the veteran. Almost all the other guys in my new group are relative newbies. Often that fact is very obvious.
A couple weeks ago I had a fight with my wife, where we ended up texting back and forth with each other. We just went back and forth for like a hundred messages, and finally at the end when we'd exhausted ourselves we both pretty much came to the conclusion that it wasn't getting any better. I told her that I would take the dialogue between us to Todd and see what he had to say about it. Boy if I had known what would come of that, I probably would have just told her everything was my fault and forgot about the whole idea. So Todd really liked that I brought it to him. I guess I was pretty confident that I was doing most everything right, or else I wouldn't have been so eager to share my drama with an outsider.
So I gave Todd my transcript from the text war. As we came into group the next week Todd had packets for all of us. I instantly recognized my packet as a copy of my typed transcript. Todd told us that we were going to go over it and see what we could learn. I totally got behind the idea, still foolishly thinking that somehow I was going to be vindicated in all of this and finally reveal myself to be the misunderstood hero of this whole story. I should know by now that it doesn't work that way.
The whole packet is about ten pages long, and we ended up spending a hour and a half on the first page, which is basically five text messages from me, and five from her. An hour and a half! Todd tore down every single sentance, word by word. It seemed to me that he was really looking for any glimmer of dark intent on my part, any subtle insult, any hint of control. God help me, he found it. Over and over again. In less than five sentances I found myself having to fess up to the whole class. Todd would ask "what did you mean by that?" and I would have to own it "Uh, I guess I really meant 'kiss my ass.'" Shit, I really thought I was the good guy again.
Anyways, as hard as that was, I had to go back the next week and endure another hour and a half of the same thing. It was a little better this time, because I went in without any dilusion that I was going to walk away unscathed. The best part about the next class was that other guys in the group were really participating, all along I was really worried that I was boring a whole class of guys with my frivilous drama, but these guys were really identifying with it. Sometimes though they showed their enthusiasm for the idea by jumping on Todd's "You're an asshole" bandwagon, but hey, I can't fault them too much for that.
After our class got out, I had to walk through the guys waiting for class to start all holding their own copies of my traitorous transcript. As I was passing through the guantlet Todd made some crack about me not starting anymore text wars, and one of the dudes waiting stopped me. "You're the guy that did this?" I wasn't sure how he felt about me at that point so I was hesistant to jump on that grenade, "Yeah, it's me and my wife," I finally let-on. "Wow dude, this is really good stuff. I already learned a lot, I guess we all do this stuff sometimes don't we?" he said. "Yeah, I guess we do. I'm glad you liked it dude. It makes me feel better knowing that somebody else is getting something out of this too," I told him.
I left that night with a lot of good ideas about how I should approach people, especially my wife. I learned that I forget to ask questions and make a lot of statements, and then assume I know the answer to the questions I didn't bother to ask. I also learned that sometimes when I have to stand up and take Todd's beatings, that maybe somebody else is learning the same things I am. And that makes me feel like this whole thing wasn't a big pointless waste of time, maybe it's helping me become a better person and that maybe Todd isn't just being a dick to us because he can. Still though, what a dick.

Random Drivel
quotes:
Me; "Is that a rape whistle on your keychain?"
My friend Brett; "Yeah. I like to blow it. When I'm raping people."

In class the other day:
girl; "EMT is a naked sport"

Body for Life
Wow I have no excuse for my eating behavior over the christmas break. I have been eating terribly. And I think I worked out twice, and one of those times I just played basketball. The whole time I was thinking that I could just be like all the resolutioners at the gym and jump right on it when I got back from break. So I didn't do that, but at school this week Brian and I have pledged to start next week. So one way or another I'm getting my act together next week. Count on it.