School has been dominating my life for the most part. In fact it should be dominating my life right now, but I am being a slacker.
So my required time in Bridges has been met, unfortunately to get signed out of the program I had to finish my workbook. So I've been frantically trying to get it done for the last two weeks. I did about two hundred pages in those two weeks. At some point I felt like I was really getting a self-overdose. I really put a lot of work into finishing that book, but sometimes I felt like I was putting in overtime beating the dead horse of my life.
As part of finishing the book I had to watch a couple of movies. The last two that I had to watch were This Boy's Life and Were Warriors Once. I wouldn't recommend either one of these for a first date, and they were by far from feel-good flicks. Were Warriors Once was hard core, I was really blown away by the story, and the harshness of the violence. This Boy's Life on the other hand just made me feel crappy. The step-dad character in it (played by De Niro) starts out as Mr.Niceguy, and after awhile he gets a little snarkier, and then reveals himself to be this full on control-freak asshole. It sucks to admit but some of the things he did when his true colors were starting to show through, I had done myself.
Anyways, I missed my first class, and I guess I missed a good one. The Crazy Russian, who's new nickname is "Drago," got his turn in the dreaded Todd-Chair. I was really disspointed that I missed that, because when I first started the class Drago was one of the characters I really zeroed in on. Ever since my second class where the discussion was winding down and Todd asked Drago if he had anything to add, and he replied by casually pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket and began to read us a poem he'd written. I don't remember what was in that poem but I remember thinking "What the hell? Do I have to write a poem too?" until I looked around and realized that everyone else in the class, Todd included was as perplexed as I was.
After that day though, Drago became less and less involved in the groups. Usually whenever he was pressed he would deflect by giving some sort of ambigous religious answer. Todd might ask him, "So what considerations should you give to your children's friends when they're in your household?" and Drago would say "Well, I just love God, and I love people." And that would be it, and I would be sitting there thinking, what happened to the crazy accusational poem reciting Russian dude that I used to know?
So I wasn't in the group when Todd focused on Drago and brought out the dry erase marker he uses to evicerate people more thoroughly than any lightsaber could. I guess it didn't take long for Drago to break down into sobs. I really feel like I missed out, because I have been wanting to hear his story almost since I began the program at Bridges.
On another note, Ogre has been looking crazier and crazier every time I see him, which due to our unfortunate proximity in living areas happens more often than just when I show up to Bridges. In the same class that I missed, they also had to point out to Ogre that just generally being an inconsiderate dick, is actually a form of absuse. Ogre lives with his grandma, and from what I understand he was upset because she was constantly asking him to stop doing things like: blasting his music all night long, using words like "goddamn" and "fuck" frequently in front of her guests, and (this is classic) hocking loogies into her sinks. Mind you, he was upset because she has been "nagging" him about these things all the time. I guess it took some time, and quite a few reiterations and examples for Ogre to see that maybe he should just stop pulling all these dickhead moves. This guy is a real piece of work, when he doesn't show up to class I'm always a little dissapointed.
Just because I met the required time in Bridges, I don't think I am going to stop going. I think the progam has been really good for me, and while I still have a few things to take care of before I am officially a graduate, I think Todd is going to let me continue in the program voluntarily. I can't believe I am even considering that, especially when I think back to those first few weeks when I was so angry about having to do this program. Eh, life.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
EMT Class - More nudity than I expected
I am really enjoying my EMT class. From the very first day -- actually from the very second day, after the cop dropped the class, I've really felt like this is going to be a great bunch of people to work with. We're kind of forced together, because we're all in uniform already and we do a lot of "team building" stuff together.
So far, I don't think I've made any enemies, which is good considering my penchant for making friends and enemies at equal and alarming rates. At least no obvious enemies, which is even scarier because that means that they're stealthy enemies, and I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of thing.
Thursday in lab was "Playing with Stethoscopes Day" which was cool. We had to break up the class into two groups, so my group went off to go learn how to take blood pressure, and after awhile we were going to switch with the other group. In between the switch we had a break, where a couple of my friends from the other group came to me, and said "Whatever she asks: volunteer. Don't worry about what it is, just volunteer." Luckily my buddy came to me and said "So are you going to take off your shirt?"
Basically for the next class, they needed someone to get up in front of the class and take off their shirt so they could show where we're supposed to listen to lung sounds, my little buddy there had been the unfortunate soul who got up there, and was nice enough to warn me. When we got into class, the instructor called for a volunteer, and simultaneously three girls in my class point at me and say my name.
So now I'm sitting there, and I've been called out. I went, "I don't think any of us want this to happen," but I had to do it. So I had to take off my shirt and get up in front of the class.
This sort of thing is definitely motivation for me to get my diet AND my gym routine back on track. So it looks like I'm going to start BFL again hardcore, because if I'm going to be getting all naked in front of my class, it's the least I can do.
So far, I don't think I've made any enemies, which is good considering my penchant for making friends and enemies at equal and alarming rates. At least no obvious enemies, which is even scarier because that means that they're stealthy enemies, and I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of thing.
Thursday in lab was "Playing with Stethoscopes Day" which was cool. We had to break up the class into two groups, so my group went off to go learn how to take blood pressure, and after awhile we were going to switch with the other group. In between the switch we had a break, where a couple of my friends from the other group came to me, and said "Whatever she asks: volunteer. Don't worry about what it is, just volunteer." Luckily my buddy came to me and said "So are you going to take off your shirt?"
Basically for the next class, they needed someone to get up in front of the class and take off their shirt so they could show where we're supposed to listen to lung sounds, my little buddy there had been the unfortunate soul who got up there, and was nice enough to warn me. When we got into class, the instructor called for a volunteer, and simultaneously three girls in my class point at me and say my name.
So now I'm sitting there, and I've been called out. I went, "I don't think any of us want this to happen," but I had to do it. So I had to take off my shirt and get up in front of the class.
This sort of thing is definitely motivation for me to get my diet AND my gym routine back on track. So it looks like I'm going to start BFL again hardcore, because if I'm going to be getting all naked in front of my class, it's the least I can do.
The Todd Chair - Bridges Week 20
Well there isn't much time left for me in Bridges, really only four weeks, plus a couple of follow-up sessions. This time, I was about a half hour late for class. I poked my head in, and I was like "uh, can I be here?" And Todd was like "eh, half an hour? What do we think guys, should we let him stay?" The whole class was quiet. Apparently I'm not as well liked as I thought I was. Finally Drywall Jim goes "Let him stay." Todd goes, "Did you do the homework?" I said I had, the homework is that same sheet we have to fill out every week that asks us what happened in our lives to cause resentment or conflict and what we did about it. I've been on a kick lately about my shitty ex-neighbors who were so helpful to the police the night I was arrested. My daughters still go over and spend time with them from time to time, and every once in awhile one of my girls will mention them. Anytime one of them says something about what a good time they had at the exneighbors, I have to choke back the comments that come rushing into my brain. Things like: "Oh that's nice, I sure hope their house doesn't burn down with them all asleep inside" or "Wow, I sure hope Linda doesn't die fisting herself" and other less friendly things. I am sure Todd would have a problem with my mindset here, probably thinking that I am placing blame on them, which I am. I suppose as long as I don't actually say any of those things to the girls, or to the exneighbors themselves, I'm probably ok.
So there I am back in class, I've got my homework finished, and then Todd asks me did I do the assignment. I'd totally forgotten about it, so I had to say no. Todd, seemed to consider that for a moment, and finally said "Well, you're a half hour late, but you usually have something good to contribute to class, so come on in." Which was cool to hear, especially in light of the lack of people coming to my aid when he asked if they thought I should stay.
So the assignment he was talking about was given last week and we were supposed to go talk to five people that know us well and ask them "What is it that I do that upsets you?" and we write down their answers. It turns out that about half the class didn't get this done and we were all banished to one side of the room, while the other had to give the rundown on their answers. So I don't think that I need to explain how much this assignment sucks. Even if you think you already know what all your faults are, it's always painful to have them pointed out to you. I've already gone through this to some degree, and I wasn't eagerly anticipating doing it again.
The guys that had done the assignment had some good things to say, and almost all of them were surprised by some of the answers they'd gotten to that question. Drywall Jim said that he thought he was a pretty laid-back boss and it was surprising to him to find out how many people he worked with thought he was a dick. JoeTee said that his girlfriend told him that even though they live together he acts as if it's his place, not theirs. And when we'd gone around the circle, Todd said that when he asked his daughter, she said that he played video games too much, and not enough with her. You could tell that all of these things really touched a nerve with these guys.
Todd's participation with us in this assignment really drove it home for me. Then in class, he asked us if we had anything we'd like to say to him about what he might do that upsets us. A couple of guys said things like they couldn't tell when he was being serious and when he was joking, this was emphasized by Drywall Jim's impression of Todd where he went "Hahaha, you know if you get a UA-- you're going to fucking jail!" Which kind of cracked us up. I said that sometimes it seemed like he jumped on an obvious joke and wouldn't let it go, like one time this guy that I haven't thought of a nickname for yet was trying to tell us a story. Unfortunately he started his story off with "I've been having woman problems..." and, woo boy, Todd was all over that. Poor guy couldn't get more than four words out about this argument he had with his girl before Todd or somebody was making some crack about periods, or pregnancy or some other bullshit. Finally the guy just gave up trying to tell the story, and I thought that was kind of harsh.
You could really tell that Todd was taking all this to heart. Apparently he'd already asked a few of his coworkers and was surprised to have the reoccuring theme of his arrogance. He asked me if I thought he was arrogant, and I said that I didn't think so, but I was pretty sure people on my list were going to tell me I was arrogant, so I'm probably not a good judge. I thought about it for awhile, and yeah, I can see where that came from, I think my first references to Todd in this blog were about what a douchebag he was, and I think that probably comes from my impression of his cockiness. So as Todd was taking all this "constructive" critisism he was handling it pretty well, he kept saying things like, "yeah I can change that," or "ok, I will look into that" but finally I chimed in and said "Man, I don't want to do this, because I really don't want this group to change." A bunch of the guys agreed with me, the last thing we want is to go and sit in there straight faced and work from the book for an hour and a half every week without getting to know anything about eachother. Least of all me, because it wouldn't give me anything to write about.
So I am going to go to the people on my list and ask them. Maybe I'll post their answers, I'm not sure yet if I'm willing to offer up that much vulnerability. There might be a few of you out there reading this that don't yet fully know what a piece of crap I am. I'm not in a big hurry to sully my reputation further.
So there I am back in class, I've got my homework finished, and then Todd asks me did I do the assignment. I'd totally forgotten about it, so I had to say no. Todd, seemed to consider that for a moment, and finally said "Well, you're a half hour late, but you usually have something good to contribute to class, so come on in." Which was cool to hear, especially in light of the lack of people coming to my aid when he asked if they thought I should stay.
So the assignment he was talking about was given last week and we were supposed to go talk to five people that know us well and ask them "What is it that I do that upsets you?" and we write down their answers. It turns out that about half the class didn't get this done and we were all banished to one side of the room, while the other had to give the rundown on their answers. So I don't think that I need to explain how much this assignment sucks. Even if you think you already know what all your faults are, it's always painful to have them pointed out to you. I've already gone through this to some degree, and I wasn't eagerly anticipating doing it again.
The guys that had done the assignment had some good things to say, and almost all of them were surprised by some of the answers they'd gotten to that question. Drywall Jim said that he thought he was a pretty laid-back boss and it was surprising to him to find out how many people he worked with thought he was a dick. JoeTee said that his girlfriend told him that even though they live together he acts as if it's his place, not theirs. And when we'd gone around the circle, Todd said that when he asked his daughter, she said that he played video games too much, and not enough with her. You could tell that all of these things really touched a nerve with these guys.
Todd's participation with us in this assignment really drove it home for me. Then in class, he asked us if we had anything we'd like to say to him about what he might do that upsets us. A couple of guys said things like they couldn't tell when he was being serious and when he was joking, this was emphasized by Drywall Jim's impression of Todd where he went "Hahaha, you know if you get a UA-- you're going to fucking jail!" Which kind of cracked us up. I said that sometimes it seemed like he jumped on an obvious joke and wouldn't let it go, like one time this guy that I haven't thought of a nickname for yet was trying to tell us a story. Unfortunately he started his story off with "I've been having woman problems..." and, woo boy, Todd was all over that. Poor guy couldn't get more than four words out about this argument he had with his girl before Todd or somebody was making some crack about periods, or pregnancy or some other bullshit. Finally the guy just gave up trying to tell the story, and I thought that was kind of harsh.
You could really tell that Todd was taking all this to heart. Apparently he'd already asked a few of his coworkers and was surprised to have the reoccuring theme of his arrogance. He asked me if I thought he was arrogant, and I said that I didn't think so, but I was pretty sure people on my list were going to tell me I was arrogant, so I'm probably not a good judge. I thought about it for awhile, and yeah, I can see where that came from, I think my first references to Todd in this blog were about what a douchebag he was, and I think that probably comes from my impression of his cockiness. So as Todd was taking all this "constructive" critisism he was handling it pretty well, he kept saying things like, "yeah I can change that," or "ok, I will look into that" but finally I chimed in and said "Man, I don't want to do this, because I really don't want this group to change." A bunch of the guys agreed with me, the last thing we want is to go and sit in there straight faced and work from the book for an hour and a half every week without getting to know anything about eachother. Least of all me, because it wouldn't give me anything to write about.
So I am going to go to the people on my list and ask them. Maybe I'll post their answers, I'm not sure yet if I'm willing to offer up that much vulnerability. There might be a few of you out there reading this that don't yet fully know what a piece of crap I am. I'm not in a big hurry to sully my reputation further.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
You's a Crowd - Follow Up
*Spoiler Alert*
The Cop dropped the EMT Basic class. Oh man, it's a Christmas miracle!
The Cop dropped the EMT Basic class. Oh man, it's a Christmas miracle!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Explain Yourself To Our Guard Bear
Well, it's been almost a month. For those of you eagerly awaiting the follow up to my last post where my Oz persona was so rudely stripped away to reveal the pale shuddering little man underneath, I am sorry for the delay. And, if you were worried about me, I appreciate it.
Bridges Week 19
Truth be told, I haven't been all that motivated to post lately because my Bridges groups haven't been all that eventful.
The session after I was called out, Todd had a short follow up with me in class. He reassured me once again that I did very well telling my story, not blaming, taking responsibility, and defending myself appropriately. But, he said, the thing that he keeps coming back to, is that he doesn't feel that I grasp the extreme nature of my situation, or the story of what brought me to Bridges. I don't really know how to reassure him that I do, in fact, understand how severe my situation was, I just don't show it as well as maybe some of the other guys do. I told him, that I've been through some pretty extraordinary shit in my life, and being attacked isn't anything all that new to me. Still though, it's pretty obvious to me that answer far from satisfies Todd. It hurts me to be labeled that way, because I think I do have a pretty good grasp on the reality of things, and I don't want to be that guy; the guy who lives in denial of his situation.
So I think about that a lot.
School
I started school this Monday. I have to say that I am very excited. It's a little humbling, because I'm pretty sure that in all of my classes that I am in the top 5% of the age demographic. I am hoping that whatever I've picked up in the last ten years gives me an edge on all the young punks I am going to be competing against for Firefighter jobs.
You's a Crowd
So, in keeping with the chaotic/ironic theme of my life over the last few years, I have to share this story. On Tuesday I show up for my first EMT Basic class about ten minutes before class is set to begin. I took a seat in the first row because there wasn't much else available. I had a good view of the door there, so I could see all the new students coming in after me pretty clearly. At one point, this dude walks in and goes over to check in with the instructor and I recognize him, but I can't remember from where at first. Is he one of the firefighters I met earlier? No. Is he--oh, shit. He's the cop that arrested, and then later testified against me.
It's pretty clear that he recognizes me. He takes a seat two over from me, so I have to hand him all the papers the instructor is giving out, all the while trying to avoid his accusing gaze. I know he hates me, because he's only ever heard the one (highly inaccurate) side of the story that paints me as a raving psychopath, plus there's the time he basically said that he hated me, so there's that. I can't really blame him, if I thought I did the things he thinks I did, I would hate me too.
So now I'm sitting there, in a vat of awkward paranoia, trying to think of something, anything positive that can come out of this. All I can do is think, hey, maybe I can win this guy over. So now, I'm determined to make him my best friend by the time I finish EMT Basic I. Here's to hope.
Fitness Junk
I have been working out pretty faithfully. The diet has cleaned up a lot, and I can definately feel a difference, especially when I am playing basketball. I am going to have to kick it into high gear though, now that school is starting and I am applying for firefighting positions.
Family Update
I have been spending a lot more time with the girls, my daughters. I have really been enjoying getting to hang out with them. Even the oldest who makes very sure to let me know the following universal truths:
1. She hates me
2. She is miserable
3. I don't understand anything
So I am really trying, and usually when I get her in the morning, she will acknowledge my existence by 3pm, but usually only if she is hungry. I always try to remember what a little retard I was, and how badly I treated my stepmom, and figure that it's just karma coming back to bite me in the ass.
The youngest is always so much fun. She is down for anything and seems to really enjoy her time with me. I took her to a high school football game the other day and we had a blast together.
I love them a lot, I feel like I've wasted too much time not being a part of their lives and I am just stoked to have them again.
Bridges Week 19
Truth be told, I haven't been all that motivated to post lately because my Bridges groups haven't been all that eventful.
The session after I was called out, Todd had a short follow up with me in class. He reassured me once again that I did very well telling my story, not blaming, taking responsibility, and defending myself appropriately. But, he said, the thing that he keeps coming back to, is that he doesn't feel that I grasp the extreme nature of my situation, or the story of what brought me to Bridges. I don't really know how to reassure him that I do, in fact, understand how severe my situation was, I just don't show it as well as maybe some of the other guys do. I told him, that I've been through some pretty extraordinary shit in my life, and being attacked isn't anything all that new to me. Still though, it's pretty obvious to me that answer far from satisfies Todd. It hurts me to be labeled that way, because I think I do have a pretty good grasp on the reality of things, and I don't want to be that guy; the guy who lives in denial of his situation.
So I think about that a lot.
School
I started school this Monday. I have to say that I am very excited. It's a little humbling, because I'm pretty sure that in all of my classes that I am in the top 5% of the age demographic. I am hoping that whatever I've picked up in the last ten years gives me an edge on all the young punks I am going to be competing against for Firefighter jobs.
You's a Crowd
So, in keeping with the chaotic/ironic theme of my life over the last few years, I have to share this story. On Tuesday I show up for my first EMT Basic class about ten minutes before class is set to begin. I took a seat in the first row because there wasn't much else available. I had a good view of the door there, so I could see all the new students coming in after me pretty clearly. At one point, this dude walks in and goes over to check in with the instructor and I recognize him, but I can't remember from where at first. Is he one of the firefighters I met earlier? No. Is he--oh, shit. He's the cop that arrested, and then later testified against me.
It's pretty clear that he recognizes me. He takes a seat two over from me, so I have to hand him all the papers the instructor is giving out, all the while trying to avoid his accusing gaze. I know he hates me, because he's only ever heard the one (highly inaccurate) side of the story that paints me as a raving psychopath, plus there's the time he basically said that he hated me, so there's that. I can't really blame him, if I thought I did the things he thinks I did, I would hate me too.
So now I'm sitting there, in a vat of awkward paranoia, trying to think of something, anything positive that can come out of this. All I can do is think, hey, maybe I can win this guy over. So now, I'm determined to make him my best friend by the time I finish EMT Basic I. Here's to hope.
Fitness Junk
I have been working out pretty faithfully. The diet has cleaned up a lot, and I can definately feel a difference, especially when I am playing basketball. I am going to have to kick it into high gear though, now that school is starting and I am applying for firefighting positions.
Family Update
I have been spending a lot more time with the girls, my daughters. I have really been enjoying getting to hang out with them. Even the oldest who makes very sure to let me know the following universal truths:
1. She hates me
2. She is miserable
3. I don't understand anything
So I am really trying, and usually when I get her in the morning, she will acknowledge my existence by 3pm, but usually only if she is hungry. I always try to remember what a little retard I was, and how badly I treated my stepmom, and figure that it's just karma coming back to bite me in the ass.
The youngest is always so much fun. She is down for anything and seems to really enjoy her time with me. I took her to a high school football game the other day and we had a blast together.
I love them a lot, I feel like I've wasted too much time not being a part of their lives and I am just stoked to have them again.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Bridges Week 16, Let's Talk About Me
There's a couple of things I don't normally do that I am doing tonight. Tonight I drank alone. I know that's somewhere in the top ten are you an alcoholic questions, but I assure you I had perfectly good reasons. Specifically: nobody wanted to drink with me. I guess that's it.
I found the World's greatest bar. I wasn't sure until I observed the fourth chubby girl in a row get up to sing her Karoke version of some classic Fleetwood Mac song. FOUR FLEETWOOD MAC SONGS! IN A ROW! It was the greatest thing ever. So I sat quietly by, drinking my Blue Moon beers, reading the New York Times on my phone, so as not to draw attention to the fact that I was indeed drinking alone on a Thursday night. I don't know if the fact that it was a Thursday night makes it better or worse for me.
All the while contemplating my future in Antarctica.
Tonight it was my turn to talk about myself in group. Finally. All the planning and strategy I'd tried to come up with came completely unraveled at Todd's first confrontation of my glossing over the life I've lived. I don't think I've ever faced the person I am, all the things I've done, as completely as I have tonight. It is not unlike the feeling you get in the dream where you find yourself naked in the halls of your middle school with everyone pointing and laughing. Except nobody was laughing.
I found the World's greatest bar. I wasn't sure until I observed the fourth chubby girl in a row get up to sing her Karoke version of some classic Fleetwood Mac song. FOUR FLEETWOOD MAC SONGS! IN A ROW! It was the greatest thing ever. So I sat quietly by, drinking my Blue Moon beers, reading the New York Times on my phone, so as not to draw attention to the fact that I was indeed drinking alone on a Thursday night. I don't know if the fact that it was a Thursday night makes it better or worse for me.
All the while contemplating my future in Antarctica.
Tonight it was my turn to talk about myself in group. Finally. All the planning and strategy I'd tried to come up with came completely unraveled at Todd's first confrontation of my glossing over the life I've lived. I don't think I've ever faced the person I am, all the things I've done, as completely as I have tonight. It is not unlike the feeling you get in the dream where you find yourself naked in the halls of your middle school with everyone pointing and laughing. Except nobody was laughing.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Bridges Week 13 - HALT
First off, Ogre showed up to class. I did not see that coming. I guess I kind of figured that if he hadn't been kicked out of the program for last week, than he would be too embarrassed to show his face back in class so quickly. I guess I underestimated his ability to absorb chastisement.
At the beginning of class, Todd did his usual round-robin of introductions. Most guys just say their name and talk about how they're doing work-wise, or how their dealings with their family or the State are going. When it got to me, I told everyone that I'd just registered for school and that I was really excited about it. When it got to Ogre, at first he just said "I'm Ogre, and I've just been looking for work." Todd said "Is that all?" "Yeah, that's pretty much it," Ogre said leaning back in his chair, with an air of undeserved self-satisfaction.
Todd was gunning for him at that point. "Last week, you were kind of all over the place. Who was here last week?" A couple of us raised our hands. "What did you guys think of Ogre's behavior in class last week?" Todd said, staring right at me. "I guess, I'm just really surprised he came back." I said. And pretty much all the other guys that had been there the week before nodded or grunted in agreement. At this point, I hadn't realized it, but Todd was going to use me as the class advocate, he kept asking me questions like "Why do you think he was behaving that way?" and then he'd stare Ogre down when I'd give my best diplomatic answer: "Well, dude, I know you've had your problems with booze, but I don't think you were drinking, but I definately think you were on something." At that, I get more grunts and nods of agreement. That was the magic answer for Todd, he's fired up now. "Yeah, the way you were acting, that's the way people act, when they're in a certain state, and that state isn't clean." Ogre is very offended at my insinuation, and Todd's outright accusal of him being on drugs, "I was just tired, I had a very long day! I'm not on anything." Todd asks Ogre if he remembers what happened in class, he says that he does, and then Todd asks him if remembers how their talk after class went, he says he does. Todd goes, you know I've been around a lot of people on a lot of things and I just have to tell you that I don't run into too many people that when they're clean they start talking about how they'd like to be as big as a building and be able to flick tanks away with just the power of their eyelash. I'm dying at this, that is totally awesome stoner talk if I've ever heard it.
Ogre adamantly denies any substance abuse. Todd is irritated as hell with him, and explains how much effort he's put into Ogre's treatment, and now he's going to give him a UA (drug test) and unlike the other guys in the program that he's trying to help keep on the right track, he just wants to catch Ogre dirty. Ogre spends the rest of the class with an angry-retard stare on his face.
The rest of class was basic psycology/biology. I won't talk about everything but there is one little thing Todd talked about that really got my attention Todd taught us an acronym to help explain why people go from being reasonable (thinking with their cerebral cortex) to going into caveman mode (thinking with the amygdalae). Here it is:
Hungry
Angry
Lonley
Tired
The idea here is that if you are any of one of those things, you are more likely to stop using your reasoning and logic skills and shift into purely impluse driven thought processes. I really identified with that, especially tired. I am probably the worst person I can be when I'm tired. But I can remember examples in my life where I've behaved irrationally due to each one of those factors.
I can actually remember one whole relationship I was in, that ultimately failed probably because I was tired, sleep deprived (and yeah, out of shape) for the entire duration of the relationship. I was awful to be around, I don't know how she lasted as long as she did. When I looked back on it for the longest time, I used to think what the hell was wrong with me? I mean, the tired thing is another factor, but the main issue there was just that I was just a dick.
Enough preaching, gotta go play Unreal 3 with my nephew.
At the beginning of class, Todd did his usual round-robin of introductions. Most guys just say their name and talk about how they're doing work-wise, or how their dealings with their family or the State are going. When it got to me, I told everyone that I'd just registered for school and that I was really excited about it. When it got to Ogre, at first he just said "I'm Ogre, and I've just been looking for work." Todd said "Is that all?" "Yeah, that's pretty much it," Ogre said leaning back in his chair, with an air of undeserved self-satisfaction.
Todd was gunning for him at that point. "Last week, you were kind of all over the place. Who was here last week?" A couple of us raised our hands. "What did you guys think of Ogre's behavior in class last week?" Todd said, staring right at me. "I guess, I'm just really surprised he came back." I said. And pretty much all the other guys that had been there the week before nodded or grunted in agreement. At this point, I hadn't realized it, but Todd was going to use me as the class advocate, he kept asking me questions like "Why do you think he was behaving that way?" and then he'd stare Ogre down when I'd give my best diplomatic answer: "Well, dude, I know you've had your problems with booze, but I don't think you were drinking, but I definately think you were on something." At that, I get more grunts and nods of agreement. That was the magic answer for Todd, he's fired up now. "Yeah, the way you were acting, that's the way people act, when they're in a certain state, and that state isn't clean." Ogre is very offended at my insinuation, and Todd's outright accusal of him being on drugs, "I was just tired, I had a very long day! I'm not on anything." Todd asks Ogre if he remembers what happened in class, he says that he does, and then Todd asks him if remembers how their talk after class went, he says he does. Todd goes, you know I've been around a lot of people on a lot of things and I just have to tell you that I don't run into too many people that when they're clean they start talking about how they'd like to be as big as a building and be able to flick tanks away with just the power of their eyelash. I'm dying at this, that is totally awesome stoner talk if I've ever heard it.
Ogre adamantly denies any substance abuse. Todd is irritated as hell with him, and explains how much effort he's put into Ogre's treatment, and now he's going to give him a UA (drug test) and unlike the other guys in the program that he's trying to help keep on the right track, he just wants to catch Ogre dirty. Ogre spends the rest of the class with an angry-retard stare on his face.
The rest of class was basic psycology/biology. I won't talk about everything but there is one little thing Todd talked about that really got my attention Todd taught us an acronym to help explain why people go from being reasonable (thinking with their cerebral cortex) to going into caveman mode (thinking with the amygdalae). Here it is:
Hungry
Angry
Lonley
Tired
The idea here is that if you are any of one of those things, you are more likely to stop using your reasoning and logic skills and shift into purely impluse driven thought processes. I really identified with that, especially tired. I am probably the worst person I can be when I'm tired. But I can remember examples in my life where I've behaved irrationally due to each one of those factors.
I can actually remember one whole relationship I was in, that ultimately failed probably because I was tired, sleep deprived (and yeah, out of shape) for the entire duration of the relationship. I was awful to be around, I don't know how she lasted as long as she did. When I looked back on it for the longest time, I used to think what the hell was wrong with me? I mean, the tired thing is another factor, but the main issue there was just that I was just a dick.
Enough preaching, gotta go play Unreal 3 with my nephew.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Follow Through
Well, I did it. I made it to the gym tonight. All it did was remind me how much I actually love it, and that I need to stay consistant. Let's hope this begins a very long trend.
Also, I got enrolled in school today. I can't believe it. It's so weird to be starting over. Aside from the parents that came along to chaperone their kids, I was definately the oldest guy in the class. I was also the on veteran though, which probably earned me some "street cred" with the instructor. So unless something crazy happens, I am a full time student for the next two years, and ultimately I'll be a firefighter/paramedic when it's all over with.
Also, I got enrolled in school today. I can't believe it. It's so weird to be starting over. Aside from the parents that came along to chaperone their kids, I was definately the oldest guy in the class. I was also the on veteran though, which probably earned me some "street cred" with the instructor. So unless something crazy happens, I am a full time student for the next two years, and ultimately I'll be a firefighter/paramedic when it's all over with.
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Wisdom of Ogre
So this week in Bridges was pretty intense. This week's subject was about how children are affected by abuse in the home. If that wasn't already bleak enough, near the end of the session we had to listen to this audio tape of a little girl calling 9-1-1 because of a fight going on between her mom and stepdad that was really out of control. The tape was horrifying, one guy in the class couldn't take it, he just got up and left. It really bothered me too, and I could tell just about everyone else in the class was pretty disturbed by the looks on their faces.
After the tape had been played, Todd started asking us all questions about it. Most of the guys in the class were so distraught by what they'd heard they could barely form complete sentences, just mumbled words like "awful," and "terrifying." One of the guys even said "Man, that made me glad I got locked up before it could get to that point," which got a few nods of agreement. When one of these guys says he's glad he went to jail that's a pretty bold statement, especially since these guys are sometimes a little slow to answer for their actions.
Finally it got to Ogre, who I am positive was on something that evening. I know he's had his problems with alcohol, but I don't think it was that. He just couldn't sit still, he made weird comments, and he kept putting his sunglasses on. When Todd asked Ogre what he thought of the tape, he paused for a moment and then said in his Napoleon Dynamite-on-steroids voice "I just don't understand. You know? I mean, it seems like she could have at least went and got a weapon to defend herself."
The entire class fell into a stupified silence. He kept going, "I mean, she could have gone into the kitchen and got a steaknife and stuck it in his thigh..." My mind was racing, I was desperately trying to contain every razor sharp reply that wanted to burst from my brain; "She's fucking SIX years old you fucking moron!" was right there on the tip of my tongue, but held back knowing that particular comment might be a little on the abusive side. Todd finally got him to shut up, in his patented condescending but still diplomatic way, which probably kept Ogre from being pounced on by somebody in the class with less self-control than I was willing to display that evening.
A few weeks earlier, we were in class while Todd was discussing some of the indirect methods of abuse, he gave the example: "She might threaten your family, or you might tell her something like 'if I go to jail, I'll have my family come and kill you'" A little while later we were having sort of a roundtable, discussing this idea of indirect abuse, at some point Ogre chimes in with this gem "What is she saying?, shes going to have her family come and kill you? I mean does she have a bunch of black guys in her family or something? Or are they mafia? Oh man, mafia, you don't want to mess with those guys. You guys ever watch mafia movies?" This time the emotional climate of the class had been a little more forgiving, so I guess we just sort of laughed it off. But in retrospect: "a bunch of black guys?" Wow.
So anyway, back to the present class where we're still discussing the tape, and how awful it is for kids to be exposed to that kind of pain. We're all having a very somber discussion when out of nowhere Ogre chuckles to himself. Todd goes "Something funny Ogre?" "Oh man, I'm sorry, heh, I just totally spaced out there for a second. I was thinking of this TV show -- you guys ever watch Jackass?" At that point, Todd and the rest of the class just stare at him incredulously for a moment, before an exasperated Todd says "What were we talking about?" Everyone in the class just stares at eachother for a second trying to remember where the conversation train was before Ogre derailed it so thoroughly. "Aw fuck it!" Todd says, "See you next week. Ogre, stick around, we need to talk"
So unless I'm mistaken, I think that might be the end of our friend Ogre's time in Bridges.
Fitness
I quit my old gym, and I started up at a new one. I haven't actually gone to the new gym yet. I am still having such a hard time getting motivated. I played some basketball this weekend, and I was excited about that for awhile. Today, I ate good for the morning, and then I went to my brother's and had a pop, and then I got hungry on my way home so I grabbed some awful awful Arby's. Crap, what's wrong with me!? I gotta pull it together soon.
Tomorrow would be a weight lifting day. I have to go to school in the morning, but I am going to post this here as motivation. After school I am going to go do my upper body weight routine. You heard it here first!
After the tape had been played, Todd started asking us all questions about it. Most of the guys in the class were so distraught by what they'd heard they could barely form complete sentences, just mumbled words like "awful," and "terrifying." One of the guys even said "Man, that made me glad I got locked up before it could get to that point," which got a few nods of agreement. When one of these guys says he's glad he went to jail that's a pretty bold statement, especially since these guys are sometimes a little slow to answer for their actions.
Finally it got to Ogre, who I am positive was on something that evening. I know he's had his problems with alcohol, but I don't think it was that. He just couldn't sit still, he made weird comments, and he kept putting his sunglasses on. When Todd asked Ogre what he thought of the tape, he paused for a moment and then said in his Napoleon Dynamite-on-steroids voice "I just don't understand. You know? I mean, it seems like she could have at least went and got a weapon to defend herself."
The entire class fell into a stupified silence. He kept going, "I mean, she could have gone into the kitchen and got a steaknife and stuck it in his thigh..." My mind was racing, I was desperately trying to contain every razor sharp reply that wanted to burst from my brain; "She's fucking SIX years old you fucking moron!" was right there on the tip of my tongue, but held back knowing that particular comment might be a little on the abusive side. Todd finally got him to shut up, in his patented condescending but still diplomatic way, which probably kept Ogre from being pounced on by somebody in the class with less self-control than I was willing to display that evening.
A few weeks earlier, we were in class while Todd was discussing some of the indirect methods of abuse, he gave the example: "She might threaten your family, or you might tell her something like 'if I go to jail, I'll have my family come and kill you'" A little while later we were having sort of a roundtable, discussing this idea of indirect abuse, at some point Ogre chimes in with this gem "What is she saying?, shes going to have her family come and kill you? I mean does she have a bunch of black guys in her family or something? Or are they mafia? Oh man, mafia, you don't want to mess with those guys. You guys ever watch mafia movies?" This time the emotional climate of the class had been a little more forgiving, so I guess we just sort of laughed it off. But in retrospect: "a bunch of black guys?" Wow.
So anyway, back to the present class where we're still discussing the tape, and how awful it is for kids to be exposed to that kind of pain. We're all having a very somber discussion when out of nowhere Ogre chuckles to himself. Todd goes "Something funny Ogre?" "Oh man, I'm sorry, heh, I just totally spaced out there for a second. I was thinking of this TV show -- you guys ever watch Jackass?" At that point, Todd and the rest of the class just stare at him incredulously for a moment, before an exasperated Todd says "What were we talking about?" Everyone in the class just stares at eachother for a second trying to remember where the conversation train was before Ogre derailed it so thoroughly. "Aw fuck it!" Todd says, "See you next week. Ogre, stick around, we need to talk"
So unless I'm mistaken, I think that might be the end of our friend Ogre's time in Bridges.
Fitness
I quit my old gym, and I started up at a new one. I haven't actually gone to the new gym yet. I am still having such a hard time getting motivated. I played some basketball this weekend, and I was excited about that for awhile. Today, I ate good for the morning, and then I went to my brother's and had a pop, and then I got hungry on my way home so I grabbed some awful awful Arby's. Crap, what's wrong with me!? I gotta pull it together soon.
Tomorrow would be a weight lifting day. I have to go to school in the morning, but I am going to post this here as motivation. After school I am going to go do my upper body weight routine. You heard it here first!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sitcom-Style Family Weekend
This Weekend I went up to Bellingham Washington to visit my family.
I wanted to show off my baby cousins.
I had a great time with everyone. I have the kind of family that you only see on wholesome sitcoms. All the aunts, uncles and cousins and their kids get together for barbecues and dinners and church. Everyone's laughing and talking and passing food around I can't describe how great it felt to be there. I almost forgot what an awesome family I have up there. I really came back from this weekend built-up. It was the best birthday weekend I could have hoped for.
I wanted to show off my baby cousins.
I had a great time with everyone. I have the kind of family that you only see on wholesome sitcoms. All the aunts, uncles and cousins and their kids get together for barbecues and dinners and church. Everyone's laughing and talking and passing food around I can't describe how great it felt to be there. I almost forgot what an awesome family I have up there. I really came back from this weekend built-up. It was the best birthday weekend I could have hoped for.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Buttrock... Literally
Let's take a look at the last few albums I've purchased (editor's note "purchased" should have those sarcastic little quote marks - there that's better)
This is Stereoside's album So Long. It's pretty good. Nice Cover. Classy.
This is Tantric's The End Begins. It's ok, there's a really good song called The One on it.
This is Saving Abel's self titled album. It's also pretty good. I can also respect their taste in cover art.
I'm sure this says something about me. I wonder what that could be.
This is Stereoside's album So Long. It's pretty good. Nice Cover. Classy.
This is Tantric's The End Begins. It's ok, there's a really good song called The One on it.
This is Saving Abel's self titled album. It's also pretty good. I can also respect their taste in cover art.
I'm sure this says something about me. I wonder what that could be.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
New "Before" Pictures
Pretty rad sunburn
So I've definately lost some headway. I'm a little discouraged but, I am getting back on my feet. I know if I can be discplined for a week or so, I'll lose a lot of the water weight that I've gained in just a few weeks.
I didn't bother blocking out my face. I better not find my images on some goofy site with the word "FAIL" emblazoned underneath.
I didn't bother blocking out my face. I better not find my images on some goofy site with the word "FAIL" emblazoned underneath.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Bridges Week 10 - Fernando Revealed
General Recap
This was another week full of laziness on my part. I didn't go to the gym, and I was all over the place on my diet. My workout buddy Tim is coming back from a business trip and I told him that we are taking "before" pictures again. So those will be posted this weekend, or Monday at the latest. (Editor's note: I guess Tuesday at the latest)
I have been struggling with feeling sorry for myself, especially since I got "laid off" at work. I guess I can explain that a little. The small company I work for is really struggling, partly because of the economy and also partly just because we've hung our balls out there on some risky business decisions that aren't paying off like we'd hoped. My boss approached me and we'd talked about the status of the company and whether or not there were going to be layoffs. After we talked I spent the whole night thinking about it, and everything else going on in my life. By the end of the week I was obsessing about it nonstop so I took a meeting with the boss. I told him basically that I really love this company and that I want to see it survive. I know who we can live without, and still survive and unfortunately I'm one of those people. At first he was incredulous, but I finished by telling him that I was so financially abysmal right now, that even getting laid off wouldn't really make it any worse. So on Monday he called a couple of us into a meeting and let us go. Even thought I knew it was coming it still stung. I know it must have been a thousand times worse for the other guys who still have families to feed. So now I'm sort of a volunteer at work for the time being. I told the boss I would hang around for a month or so, and if they don't rehire me, I would move on.
I've been sleeping at weird times, and not sleeping at night, which isn't helping any part of my life. I'm still riding my bike to work which is probably the best part of my day. I got some good tunes to rock out to along the way:
Motley Crue's new one
Sabastian Bach's (of Skid Row fame) solo album (feat. Axl Rose, hell yeah!)
Sixx AM, Nikki Sixx's (of Motley Crue) new band.
So by the time I make it home, I'm usually all jacked up on buttrock. Then like twenty minutes later I go to bed.
Bridges Week 10
Todd shifts the focus on Fernando. Fernando is this quiet guy who's been coming to class pretty faithfully. When he does offer something to the class, which is rare, he is well spoken although obviously sorrowful. Tonight he actually offered up that he'd been having some problems with his family and that his son has disowned him. When Todd asked him why, he said he didn't really know. Todd was waiting to pounce on this like a lion on an short-sighted gizalle with obesity issues because he jumped up and said "You don't know why your son won't talk to you? Well let's get this figured out." Then he whipped out his pen and began to write on the whiteboard. I am learning very quickly to fear this pen.
We spent the next hour or so talking about everything that Fernando ever did wrong. Whether his son knew about it or not. I have to hand it to him, Fernando was a trooper, he admitted to things, and didn't make excuses for the most part. With every new confession Todd would try to ease the sting a little bit by telling him that it hurt now, but it was going to feel so much better afterward. He would always punctuate this by referring back to Orge (who'd gone through this type of interrogation the week before) and saying "Right Ogre?" To which, he'd always grunt out a hesitant "Yeah." He must've said "yeah" and nothing else, twelve or thirteen times that night.
So that's pretty much it. I'm not going to tell you all the stuff Fernando fessed up to, but it's fair to say that he was a pretty messed up dude and it seems like he's really trying to put his life back together.
He did say that his son told him that he never wanted to be like him. I really can't think of any single thing that somebody could say to another that is more painful than that.
Abuse Clarified
Along the lines of what Fernando went through, I feel like I the need to clarify. I figure the people that read my blog are probably not as familiar with "abuse" as somebody who's had the forced education that I have.
This is the abuse wheel, we have like ten of these posted up all over Bridges.
So if you're like me, the first time you look at this, you're like, whoa those a pretty severe. Once you read "Forcing her to have sex with others" it's pretty much seared into your brain and it's hard to see anything beyond those big bold awful letters.. But if you've been staring at this circle of awfulness day after day, you start to see the rest of it. Those little last sentances in the descriptions sometimes hit a little too close to home.
Everything here elicits images of evil, but stare long enough and you start to see the subtleties. The Devil is in the details here. When I examine myself and look at this wheel I wince when I remember where I've danced on some lines, and completely crossed others, especially in the Abusing Her Feelings piece of the pie.
I say this because I feel like if I admit that this has been a presence, it will further ensure that nothing on the Power & Control chart will ever have a place in my life again.
This was another week full of laziness on my part. I didn't go to the gym, and I was all over the place on my diet. My workout buddy Tim is coming back from a business trip and I told him that we are taking "before" pictures again. So those will be posted this weekend, or Monday at the latest. (Editor's note: I guess Tuesday at the latest)
I have been struggling with feeling sorry for myself, especially since I got "laid off" at work. I guess I can explain that a little. The small company I work for is really struggling, partly because of the economy and also partly just because we've hung our balls out there on some risky business decisions that aren't paying off like we'd hoped. My boss approached me and we'd talked about the status of the company and whether or not there were going to be layoffs. After we talked I spent the whole night thinking about it, and everything else going on in my life. By the end of the week I was obsessing about it nonstop so I took a meeting with the boss. I told him basically that I really love this company and that I want to see it survive. I know who we can live without, and still survive and unfortunately I'm one of those people. At first he was incredulous, but I finished by telling him that I was so financially abysmal right now, that even getting laid off wouldn't really make it any worse. So on Monday he called a couple of us into a meeting and let us go. Even thought I knew it was coming it still stung. I know it must have been a thousand times worse for the other guys who still have families to feed. So now I'm sort of a volunteer at work for the time being. I told the boss I would hang around for a month or so, and if they don't rehire me, I would move on.
I've been sleeping at weird times, and not sleeping at night, which isn't helping any part of my life. I'm still riding my bike to work which is probably the best part of my day. I got some good tunes to rock out to along the way:
Motley Crue's new one
Sabastian Bach's (of Skid Row fame) solo album (feat. Axl Rose, hell yeah!)
Sixx AM, Nikki Sixx's (of Motley Crue) new band.
So by the time I make it home, I'm usually all jacked up on buttrock. Then like twenty minutes later I go to bed.
Bridges Week 10
Todd shifts the focus on Fernando. Fernando is this quiet guy who's been coming to class pretty faithfully. When he does offer something to the class, which is rare, he is well spoken although obviously sorrowful. Tonight he actually offered up that he'd been having some problems with his family and that his son has disowned him. When Todd asked him why, he said he didn't really know. Todd was waiting to pounce on this like a lion on an short-sighted gizalle with obesity issues because he jumped up and said "You don't know why your son won't talk to you? Well let's get this figured out." Then he whipped out his pen and began to write on the whiteboard. I am learning very quickly to fear this pen.
We spent the next hour or so talking about everything that Fernando ever did wrong. Whether his son knew about it or not. I have to hand it to him, Fernando was a trooper, he admitted to things, and didn't make excuses for the most part. With every new confession Todd would try to ease the sting a little bit by telling him that it hurt now, but it was going to feel so much better afterward. He would always punctuate this by referring back to Orge (who'd gone through this type of interrogation the week before) and saying "Right Ogre?" To which, he'd always grunt out a hesitant "Yeah." He must've said "yeah" and nothing else, twelve or thirteen times that night.
So that's pretty much it. I'm not going to tell you all the stuff Fernando fessed up to, but it's fair to say that he was a pretty messed up dude and it seems like he's really trying to put his life back together.
He did say that his son told him that he never wanted to be like him. I really can't think of any single thing that somebody could say to another that is more painful than that.
Abuse Clarified
Along the lines of what Fernando went through, I feel like I the need to clarify. I figure the people that read my blog are probably not as familiar with "abuse" as somebody who's had the forced education that I have.
This is the abuse wheel, we have like ten of these posted up all over Bridges.
So if you're like me, the first time you look at this, you're like, whoa those a pretty severe. Once you read "Forcing her to have sex with others" it's pretty much seared into your brain and it's hard to see anything beyond those big bold awful letters.. But if you've been staring at this circle of awfulness day after day, you start to see the rest of it. Those little last sentances in the descriptions sometimes hit a little too close to home.Everything here elicits images of evil, but stare long enough and you start to see the subtleties. The Devil is in the details here. When I examine myself and look at this wheel I wince when I remember where I've danced on some lines, and completely crossed others, especially in the Abusing Her Feelings piece of the pie.
I say this because I feel like if I admit that this has been a presence, it will further ensure that nothing on the Power & Control chart will ever have a place in my life again.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Bridges Week 9 Recap - Ogre Revealed
Lately it's been hard to sit down and write when I always feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of nervous meltdown. So I decided to write this out downstairs while my mom shuffles around in the kitchen making Sunday dinner.
This week in Bridges, my batterer's treatment class, a guy showed up who's attendance has been pretty all over the place. And when he does show up he definitely shows off how much he doesn't want to be there, staring at the clock, shuffling around, not participating. One time he showed up with his Robert Downy Jr hangover sunglasses on and kept them on for the whole class. Todd has made it pretty clear that he's not too keen on this kid that I've decided to call Ogre, because he's one of those big dumb kids with a overly low registered voice. He also has the same shaggy haircut that the incredible hulk always had, a comparison that I am sure he would delight in. If he could read.
Todd has taken the few opportunities he's had to call Ogre out. One night the class was really full and Todd said "who doesn't want to be here?" and he didn't give anyone a chance to respond before he just pointed at Ogre and said "Go out in the hall and watch a movie with the others." Ogre just grunted and lumbered out into the little reception room where Todd banished a few of the late comers to watch some feel good movie like The Waitress. Since I hate the idea that I am paying $40 to watch a crappy movie, I was really relieved that I got to stay in the room and talk about feelings with the rest of the rubes.
Well tonight, Todd had his sites set on Ogre. He started by talking about how every time he asks Ogre how he's doing, Ogre makes a big show of talking about how great he's doing, how awesome his life is and so on. Todd said "Well tonight we're going to talk about your life a little bit Ogre." Todd tells us that the first night Ogre came to class with a bad attitude, he said to the whole class that he didn't belong there, and that he wasn't like you guys, he doesn't go home and beat his wife every night. That sort of thing is sure to win you friends in a class like this. Being in the spotlight didn't seem to bother him too much, Ogre is really pretty confident that he's got nothing to hide I guess.
"So what do we know about Ogre?" Todd asks the class. "Uh, he doesn't communicate very well," one guy finally offers. Todd is excited by this and starts writing on the white board, and starts egging us on. What about his attitude? How does Ogre come across to you guys? Todd answers his own question, "He's pretty prideful isn't he?" He writes this on the board, and finally Ogre chimes in, "Yeah, I can be kind of arrogant." Todd writes on this on the board so it looks like this:
What we see
Bad communication
Pride
Arrogant
Then Todd starts back in on Ogre "So what is it about you that you wouldn't want someone to know about you? Maybe you meet a girl, what about your life wouldn't you want her to know?" Ogre just stares at Todd for awhile and then finally goes, "Well I live with my grandma. That kind of sucks." Todd writes that on the board. What else? Nothing, Ogre can't think of anything else. So Todd helps him out.
What are you driving?
Uh, well, I had a car, and then, uh...
You ride the bus you don't have a car.
Yeah.
Where are you working?
Well I do some day labor stuff, and well...
You're unemployed, you got fired last month and you're haven't found another job.
Well...yeah.
Man this is getting pretty brutal, Todd is writing all of this on the board. Everytime he throws something else out there. Ogre is trying to save face, and is trying to explain his situation to us while Todd just keeps writing on the board. Todd writes "Alcoholic" on the board, and Ogre finally turns around and notices. Todd just points at what he wrote.
Are you an alcoholic?
Well, it runs in my family
At this eveyone in the class collectively groans. This kid can't admit to anything. Todd starts filling in the gaps for us. Ogre has called in sick to class three weeks in a row, has been fired from a job, but can't seem to understand why. Ogre has put off his alcohol assessment for weeks now. Plus the times he has shown up to class he's been pretty out of it.
Now one thing that is pretty consistant about these guys, is they always try and find a way to turn a liability into something to brag about. Ogre starts telling us that yes he has a drinking problem, and it's affected his life in a lot of negative ways, and sure enough he eventually starts shifting into the check-out-how-badass-I-really-am mode. Yeah, the other night I drank four fifths, and I should have died, but...
While he's shifting the conversation over, Todd is back to work on the board writing; "Beat the shit out of his grandmother." This totally shocked me, I mean I went back to the "I'm not like you guys, I don't go home and beat my wife every night" comment. Pretty high and mighty for a guy that beats up his grandma, especially when he doesn't know that we all have pretty unorthidox stories about why we're in the class in the first place. So Ogre is finishing up his halfassed explanation of why he's not a bad alcoholic, when he notices what Todd wrote on the board.
No I didn't "beat up" my grandma!
Were you abusive to your grandma?
Well....slightly
{GROAN}
When you were drunk?
Yes, I was drunk, but that's not why
{GROAN}
So it goes back and forth like this for awhile, with no real admission from Ogre. Near the end, at one point Todd goes "Now, doesn't it feel good to get this stuff all out in the open?" And I'm thinking he didn't get this stuff out in the open, you put it out there for him. In anycase Ogre gets to act like he's enjoying this clensing ritual and acts like he's way better off for it.
I don't have a good ending to this story yet. It just shocks me how easy it is for anyone (including yours truely) to completely dilute themselves about their situation and the choices they've made to put themselves there.
So as not to be a hypocrite, here's a short summary of all the douchebaggery that is my life:
I'm going to be thirty at the end of this month and I live with my parents
I have a bmw that I can't afford insurance or gas for, so I ride my bike everywhere
I got laid off from my job
My house is being foreclosed on
I'm bankrupt
I am in Batterer's Treatment counseling
I have been abusive to my wife
There you go. That's me. Time to go take a nap.
This week in Bridges, my batterer's treatment class, a guy showed up who's attendance has been pretty all over the place. And when he does show up he definitely shows off how much he doesn't want to be there, staring at the clock, shuffling around, not participating. One time he showed up with his Robert Downy Jr hangover sunglasses on and kept them on for the whole class. Todd has made it pretty clear that he's not too keen on this kid that I've decided to call Ogre, because he's one of those big dumb kids with a overly low registered voice. He also has the same shaggy haircut that the incredible hulk always had, a comparison that I am sure he would delight in. If he could read.
Todd has taken the few opportunities he's had to call Ogre out. One night the class was really full and Todd said "who doesn't want to be here?" and he didn't give anyone a chance to respond before he just pointed at Ogre and said "Go out in the hall and watch a movie with the others." Ogre just grunted and lumbered out into the little reception room where Todd banished a few of the late comers to watch some feel good movie like The Waitress. Since I hate the idea that I am paying $40 to watch a crappy movie, I was really relieved that I got to stay in the room and talk about feelings with the rest of the rubes.
Well tonight, Todd had his sites set on Ogre. He started by talking about how every time he asks Ogre how he's doing, Ogre makes a big show of talking about how great he's doing, how awesome his life is and so on. Todd said "Well tonight we're going to talk about your life a little bit Ogre." Todd tells us that the first night Ogre came to class with a bad attitude, he said to the whole class that he didn't belong there, and that he wasn't like you guys, he doesn't go home and beat his wife every night. That sort of thing is sure to win you friends in a class like this. Being in the spotlight didn't seem to bother him too much, Ogre is really pretty confident that he's got nothing to hide I guess.
"So what do we know about Ogre?" Todd asks the class. "Uh, he doesn't communicate very well," one guy finally offers. Todd is excited by this and starts writing on the white board, and starts egging us on. What about his attitude? How does Ogre come across to you guys? Todd answers his own question, "He's pretty prideful isn't he?" He writes this on the board, and finally Ogre chimes in, "Yeah, I can be kind of arrogant." Todd writes on this on the board so it looks like this:
What we see
Bad communication
Pride
Arrogant
Then Todd starts back in on Ogre "So what is it about you that you wouldn't want someone to know about you? Maybe you meet a girl, what about your life wouldn't you want her to know?" Ogre just stares at Todd for awhile and then finally goes, "Well I live with my grandma. That kind of sucks." Todd writes that on the board. What else? Nothing, Ogre can't think of anything else. So Todd helps him out.
What are you driving?
Uh, well, I had a car, and then, uh...
You ride the bus you don't have a car.
Yeah.
Where are you working?
Well I do some day labor stuff, and well...
You're unemployed, you got fired last month and you're haven't found another job.
Well...yeah.
Man this is getting pretty brutal, Todd is writing all of this on the board. Everytime he throws something else out there. Ogre is trying to save face, and is trying to explain his situation to us while Todd just keeps writing on the board. Todd writes "Alcoholic" on the board, and Ogre finally turns around and notices. Todd just points at what he wrote.
Are you an alcoholic?
Well, it runs in my family
At this eveyone in the class collectively groans. This kid can't admit to anything. Todd starts filling in the gaps for us. Ogre has called in sick to class three weeks in a row, has been fired from a job, but can't seem to understand why. Ogre has put off his alcohol assessment for weeks now. Plus the times he has shown up to class he's been pretty out of it.
Now one thing that is pretty consistant about these guys, is they always try and find a way to turn a liability into something to brag about. Ogre starts telling us that yes he has a drinking problem, and it's affected his life in a lot of negative ways, and sure enough he eventually starts shifting into the check-out-how-badass-I-really-am mode. Yeah, the other night I drank four fifths, and I should have died, but...
While he's shifting the conversation over, Todd is back to work on the board writing; "Beat the shit out of his grandmother." This totally shocked me, I mean I went back to the "I'm not like you guys, I don't go home and beat my wife every night" comment. Pretty high and mighty for a guy that beats up his grandma, especially when he doesn't know that we all have pretty unorthidox stories about why we're in the class in the first place. So Ogre is finishing up his halfassed explanation of why he's not a bad alcoholic, when he notices what Todd wrote on the board.
No I didn't "beat up" my grandma!
Were you abusive to your grandma?
Well....slightly
When you were drunk?
Yes, I was drunk, but that's not why
So it goes back and forth like this for awhile, with no real admission from Ogre. Near the end, at one point Todd goes "Now, doesn't it feel good to get this stuff all out in the open?" And I'm thinking he didn't get this stuff out in the open, you put it out there for him. In anycase Ogre gets to act like he's enjoying this clensing ritual and acts like he's way better off for it.
I don't have a good ending to this story yet. It just shocks me how easy it is for anyone (including yours truely) to completely dilute themselves about their situation and the choices they've made to put themselves there.
So as not to be a hypocrite, here's a short summary of all the douchebaggery that is my life:
I'm going to be thirty at the end of this month and I live with my parents
I have a bmw that I can't afford insurance or gas for, so I ride my bike everywhere
I got laid off from my job
My house is being foreclosed on
I'm bankrupt
I am in Batterer's Treatment counseling
I have been abusive to my wife
There you go. That's me. Time to go take a nap.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Epic Fail on a Bike
I've been riding my bike to work. Dont'get all crazy and start thinking that I give a crap about the environment or anything, this is just my futile way of trying to save gas money. Also it's a good way for me to get a little extra cardio in, since my diet has been lacking discipline lately.
Anyways today when I was riding home I had to stop and wait for a train to go by. I rode past the line of cars that were also waiting for the train. I have those shoes that the pedals kind of clip-in to, and you have to pop your shoes out of the pedals when you want to put your feet down. So I meandered my way up to the front of this long line of cars right up by the train, I popped my left foot out and put it down. While I was standing there, I noticed that my chain was kind of weird so with one foot unclipped and the other still stuck to the pedal I tried to do that move where you sort of pick my bike up and crank forward. Here's where I sort of lose my balance and started stumbling and bouncing around for a second before falling over in slow motion toward my clipped-in foot. So now, I'm sitting there on the side of the road, with my bike in between my legs, struggling like an upside down turtle to get my trapped foot under my bike unclipped. I'm laying there on the ground failing around like an idiot, my headphones are flying all over and finally I get my foot loose and free myself from my tangled web and stand back up out of breath from the stuggle and shear humiliation.
As I'm struggling back to my feet, I can't help but look back at the cars who I know just witnessed one of my all time greatest fiascos. There's this guy who's sitting in a semi truck at the front of the line. At worst I expected him to be laughing and at best maybe I'd get a sympathetic smile, but no. What I got was a look of what can only be described as absolute disgust. I don't know, maybe this guy just hates retards. Luckily I don't take myself that seriously, so I was already laughing when I got this look. I couldn't face anymore, so I didn't bother to look past the truck driver to all the cars behind him with a perfect view of me. So I turned back around to stare at the train and pray for it to be over before I could do anything else to make the situation worse. Then I noticed that on the other side of the tracks, even as the train was still going by, I could see on the other side the people in their cars, drivers and passengers alike, all laughing hysterically at me, all the while bobbing their heads, dodging and ducking to see through the gaps in the train to get a better look at my calamity.
While I was sitting there absorbing it all, I kept thinking "Man, I would have killed to be one of the people in those cars." I'm sure I would have told the story for weeks about the guy I saw who just inexplicably fell over while sitting perfectly still on his bike waiting for a train. I am tempted to look on the "Missed Connections," section of Craigslist to see if I won any hearts with my dynamic display of gracelessness.
Anyways today when I was riding home I had to stop and wait for a train to go by. I rode past the line of cars that were also waiting for the train. I have those shoes that the pedals kind of clip-in to, and you have to pop your shoes out of the pedals when you want to put your feet down. So I meandered my way up to the front of this long line of cars right up by the train, I popped my left foot out and put it down. While I was standing there, I noticed that my chain was kind of weird so with one foot unclipped and the other still stuck to the pedal I tried to do that move where you sort of pick my bike up and crank forward. Here's where I sort of lose my balance and started stumbling and bouncing around for a second before falling over in slow motion toward my clipped-in foot. So now, I'm sitting there on the side of the road, with my bike in between my legs, struggling like an upside down turtle to get my trapped foot under my bike unclipped. I'm laying there on the ground failing around like an idiot, my headphones are flying all over and finally I get my foot loose and free myself from my tangled web and stand back up out of breath from the stuggle and shear humiliation.
As I'm struggling back to my feet, I can't help but look back at the cars who I know just witnessed one of my all time greatest fiascos. There's this guy who's sitting in a semi truck at the front of the line. At worst I expected him to be laughing and at best maybe I'd get a sympathetic smile, but no. What I got was a look of what can only be described as absolute disgust. I don't know, maybe this guy just hates retards. Luckily I don't take myself that seriously, so I was already laughing when I got this look. I couldn't face anymore, so I didn't bother to look past the truck driver to all the cars behind him with a perfect view of me. So I turned back around to stare at the train and pray for it to be over before I could do anything else to make the situation worse. Then I noticed that on the other side of the tracks, even as the train was still going by, I could see on the other side the people in their cars, drivers and passengers alike, all laughing hysterically at me, all the while bobbing their heads, dodging and ducking to see through the gaps in the train to get a better look at my calamity.
While I was sitting there absorbing it all, I kept thinking "Man, I would have killed to be one of the people in those cars." I'm sure I would have told the story for weeks about the guy I saw who just inexplicably fell over while sitting perfectly still on his bike waiting for a train. I am tempted to look on the "Missed Connections," section of Craigslist to see if I won any hearts with my dynamic display of gracelessness.
Old Men Want to Fight Me
This morning I went to McDonalds to grab some last minute breakfast and when I was walking out some old man gave me a really dirty look. He totally stared me down. Even though he was a thousand years old, I realized when I got to my van that I was sort of intimidated by him. I guess he didn't like the cut of my jib.
Yes, I said van. I'm not even going to explain that.
Btw, if you haven't tried McDonald's iced premium coffee (with vanilla) woo boy you are missing out! The wife recommended them, and they're good and cheap too.
Yes, I said van. I'm not even going to explain that.
Btw, if you haven't tried McDonald's iced premium coffee (with vanilla) woo boy you are missing out! The wife recommended them, and they're good and cheap too.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Losing It At Work
I yelled at everyone in my department at work today. I got this box in that had Greg's name on it and I asked "Hey, does anyone know what Greg might have ordered from Nirvana?" All at once the four guys standing around my area answered with some idiotic joke:
"Greg sure likes Kurt Cobain"
"I thought Nirvana was someplace you went, not something you bought!"
"All I know is it's a band!"
"Nirvana sells electronics?"
...and I just stood there for a seconds letting them bask in my contempt before I barked "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE FUCKING NIRVANA JOKES, JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!"
It got all quiet after that. Like dad just punched mom at the dinner table. Everyone's walking around like nothing happened, but all teary eyed, and I feel like the crazy guy.
If I get through today without throwing something expensive through something else that is more expensive, it'll be a miracle.
"Greg sure likes Kurt Cobain"
"I thought Nirvana was someplace you went, not something you bought!"
"All I know is it's a band!"
"Nirvana sells electronics?"
...and I just stood there for a seconds letting them bask in my contempt before I barked "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE FUCKING NIRVANA JOKES, JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!"
It got all quiet after that. Like dad just punched mom at the dinner table. Everyone's walking around like nothing happened, but all teary eyed, and I feel like the crazy guy.
If I get through today without throwing something expensive through something else that is more expensive, it'll be a miracle.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Rant - Solo Acts
I've been feeling bad about my last post. Feeling sorry for myself isn't going to win me any blogging awards. Do they even have blog awards? Oh man, now I really want one.
So here's the deal, when you're the lead singer in a successful band, why do you need to go solo? This drives me crazy, I mean lead singers get all the attention anyways. It's hard enough to make it as a musician. I mean, let's say you're the bassist for some marginal band out there, like Maroon 5, you've finally achieved your dream, you're making some money, your stupid band is all over the radio, sure your metrosexual lead singer gets all the magazine covers and groupie action, but hey you're famous-ish, so it's cool right? So one day after your stripper girlfriend drops you off at band practice you get to hear that the talentless douchebag you called a lead singer is leaving the band to do a Solo Album. You spent years locked in your bedroom alone learning scales and studying chord progressions, and learn how to look cool when you smoke. This guy was lead in his high school's production of Brigadoon and now he thinks he's freakin' John Lennon. So now he's like, "Hey thanks for making me famous. Fuck you."
Here's a few bullets to drive my point home:
No Doubt really wasn't that great of a band, but hey they had a certain level of charisma, and their songs were catchy. Then this...
-Really Gwen? Your band was holding you back from what? From making crappy hip-hop with guest rappers? I am sure the four faceless rubes that spent years touring with you when you were nobodies wouldn't have had a problem making "wee-ooh wee-ooh" songs with you if that kept the paychecks rolling in.
But no, we get two solo albums from Gwen Stefani, who is cute, but come on, let's admit it: not all that great. At anything. Especially loyalty.
This one absolutely KILLS me!
For god's sake, it's called the Dave Matthews Band, and you had to go solo?! What is it that you had to do as just plain old Dave Matthews, that the Dave Matthews Band wouldn't let you do?
Maybe that really buff guy in DMB who plays the violin was just getting too much attention and Dave had enough. He sure got his revenge when he released this solo album--that nobody bought, or heard, or cared about.
If you bought this album, and you're not directly related to Dave himself, I hate you.
I know there are bunch of great examples of this that I haven't already thought of, if anyone read this blog I would encourage you to fill me on some that I'm missing. I also know that this is a stupid thing to get all fired up about, but it's probably due to jealousy and the fact that I'm a successful musician in the body of a rhythm-deprived guitar hero hack.
So here's the deal, when you're the lead singer in a successful band, why do you need to go solo? This drives me crazy, I mean lead singers get all the attention anyways. It's hard enough to make it as a musician. I mean, let's say you're the bassist for some marginal band out there, like Maroon 5, you've finally achieved your dream, you're making some money, your stupid band is all over the radio, sure your metrosexual lead singer gets all the magazine covers and groupie action, but hey you're famous-ish, so it's cool right? So one day after your stripper girlfriend drops you off at band practice you get to hear that the talentless douchebag you called a lead singer is leaving the band to do a Solo Album. You spent years locked in your bedroom alone learning scales and studying chord progressions, and learn how to look cool when you smoke. This guy was lead in his high school's production of Brigadoon and now he thinks he's freakin' John Lennon. So now he's like, "Hey thanks for making me famous. Fuck you."
Here's a few bullets to drive my point home:
No Doubt really wasn't that great of a band, but hey they had a certain level of charisma, and their songs were catchy. Then this...
-Really Gwen? Your band was holding you back from what? From making crappy hip-hop with guest rappers? I am sure the four faceless rubes that spent years touring with you when you were nobodies wouldn't have had a problem making "wee-ooh wee-ooh" songs with you if that kept the paychecks rolling in.But no, we get two solo albums from Gwen Stefani, who is cute, but come on, let's admit it: not all that great. At anything. Especially loyalty.
This one absolutely KILLS me!
For god's sake, it's called the Dave Matthews Band, and you had to go solo?! What is it that you had to do as just plain old Dave Matthews, that the Dave Matthews Band wouldn't let you do?
Maybe that really buff guy in DMB who plays the violin was just getting too much attention and Dave had enough. He sure got his revenge when he released this solo album--that nobody bought, or heard, or cared about.
If you bought this album, and you're not directly related to Dave himself, I hate you.
I know there are bunch of great examples of this that I haven't already thought of, if anyone read this blog I would encourage you to fill me on some that I'm missing. I also know that this is a stupid thing to get all fired up about, but it's probably due to jealousy and the fact that I'm a successful musician in the body of a rhythm-deprived guitar hero hack.
Things Come to Pass
I am about to turn thirty this summer and I feel more like an idiot kid than I ever have before. I feel like I'm losing everything I tried so hard to hold on to. It's numbing to see it all slipping away. I can't help but wince a little when I'm reminded of all the stupid things I've done to get myself here.
I basically did everything that I've known not to do since I was sixteen. I ran up credit cards, I bought things I didn't need on credit, I financed a car when I had one that was paid off, the list goes on. Now the house is being foreclosed, I get so many calls from creditors that they've abandoned actual phone calls in favor of the more efficient and lazy art of texting. "Hey this is Visa, you got any money for us?"
I might not have a job at the end of next week. There's that numb feeling again. It's hard to see the bright side in all of this, but I'm trying. My dad is a good source of those silver-lining type thoughts; you're building character (that's his go-to for almost any situation), at least you have your health (no joke), trust God (easier said than done with me). If nothing else, the idea that the future is so wide open would be kind of invigorating. If it weren't for all that paralyzing fear.
BFL
Oh yeah, so I didn't really finish with a bang. I didn't even get my final pictures taken. But I'm not giving up. I plan on starting another round at the end of this month. Prepare yourself for another round of "Before" pictures.
I did however accomplish one of my goals: Bench Pressing 100lb dumbbells. I did (once) last Saturday with Tim. I'm pretty stoked about that, and glad to see that although my progress has slowed, I am still progressing.
I basically did everything that I've known not to do since I was sixteen. I ran up credit cards, I bought things I didn't need on credit, I financed a car when I had one that was paid off, the list goes on. Now the house is being foreclosed, I get so many calls from creditors that they've abandoned actual phone calls in favor of the more efficient and lazy art of texting. "Hey this is Visa, you got any money for us?"
I might not have a job at the end of next week. There's that numb feeling again. It's hard to see the bright side in all of this, but I'm trying. My dad is a good source of those silver-lining type thoughts; you're building character (that's his go-to for almost any situation), at least you have your health (no joke), trust God (easier said than done with me). If nothing else, the idea that the future is so wide open would be kind of invigorating. If it weren't for all that paralyzing fear.
BFL
Oh yeah, so I didn't really finish with a bang. I didn't even get my final pictures taken. But I'm not giving up. I plan on starting another round at the end of this month. Prepare yourself for another round of "Before" pictures.
I did however accomplish one of my goals: Bench Pressing 100lb dumbbells. I did (once) last Saturday with Tim. I'm pretty stoked about that, and glad to see that although my progress has slowed, I am still progressing.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sunday Afternoon Rant
Here is a short list of bands that I am totally over:
- Red Hot Chili Peppers - I do not believe it is possible for a band to be more overplayed. I am pretty sure that every radio station plays a RHCP song every at least every six minutes, whether it's a rock station, pop, hard rock, alternative, Mexican, Opera, Salsa, NPR whatever, they're all playing Californication right this second.
- Metallica - Yes, yes, I know: if you like hard music you have to like Metallica. And even if you don't like hard music you have to respect Metallica. Well, I know it makes me an idiot in the eyes of most of the world, but I'm over Metallica. They did their thing, it was all cool when Enter Sandman beat out Bryan Adam's Everything I Do song that was playing every five seconds on every radio station that summer I turned 14, but hey, I'm almost 30, and I've decided that Metallica is no longer relavent. I can hear you know "What about Ride the Lightning?" Yes, even Ride the Lighting, let's move on.
- Sublime - This isn't new. I've been over Sublime since day one. My brother came back from a summer in California when we were in high school, where he'd "discovered" this awesome band called Sublime. I was like, all right let's hear it! Which was quickly followed by a "this is it, this is pretty weak" That's how I still feel.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Dirty J Gets Flogged
So last night, we spent literally the entire time in class berating this one guy who'd just recently gotten out of jail for violating his release agreement. Apparently, his wife wasn't allowed to see his kids, and he wasn't allowed to see his wife; and one day DHS (Department of Human Services, I think) showed up at his house unexpectedly when his wife was over at his house watching his kids while he was at work. So long story short; he went to jail, and had just gotten released a few days before showing up to class.
So, Todd was put in the unfortunate position of having to evaluate this guy for DHS and tell them whether or not he should be around his kids or get unification with his wife. Since the whole idea behind this program is that you learn to take responsibility for your actions, Todd decided to put this guy's feet to the fire and see if he'd take responsibility for everything he'd done that got him to this point. He put the guy, that I'll call Dirty J, in a chair at the front of the class, and gave us a little background.
Todd told us that this guy had been in the program for over thirty weeks before Todd became his facilitator. Almost as soon as Dirty J was Todd's problem, DHS asked Todd for an evaluation. Todd went to the other facilitators who'd worked with him and asked them what their opinion of Dirty J was, and they all said that this guy wasn't really progressing, mostly he just came to class with a chip on his shoulder and put in his time. They said he didn't really take responsibility for his actions, and always had someone to blame for whatever problems he has.
Well, sitting in front of all of us Todd asks Dirty J to tell us about his time in the program. Right off the bat, I'm thinking this guy is full of it. He begins by telling us how intellectual he is, and that he was totally detaching himself from his emotions and even used his skills in math (what?) to buck the system at Bridges. He must have used the word "intellectualize" seven times in the first two minutes he was talking. Now call me superficial or whatever, but when a dude shows up to class in a dirty brown t-shirt with a faded picture of a Camaro on it, bad facial hair and running pants, the first thing I'm thinking is not: this dude is going to outsmart us all.
So he goes on and on, painting this picture of what a diabolical genius he is, until finally Todd interrupts him. "Why don't you tell us why you're here in the first place?" Todd asks. Dirty J tries to dodge the question for awhile, and then he tells us this story about how he caught his wife cheating on him, and there's no chance here he's not going to parlay this into a story about how fully badass he really is so he tells us about how he totally kicked this guys ass with his Genius Kung Fu, and then three days later he got picked up by the police.
Todd interrupts him again, asking him about why DHS is on his case. Dirty J instantly takes advantage of another opportunity to ignore the question and play up his badassness. He tells us about how he does "Major Event Security" (remind me to put a link to the Mall ninja in here somewhere) and that he works twenty hour days, and he makes a sideways mention that the house went to hell in a hand basket during the two weeks he was working this event. Todd pointedly asks him "What does to hell in a handbasket mean." Dirty J goes, "Well the laundry was piling up and the dishes hadn't been done in a couple of days." That's it, that's all he says.
Todd asks him about the spoon. Dirty J goes "oh," as if he'd forgotten a very insignificant detail "Yeah, they found a spoon in the house that they tested and it turned out to have opiate residue in it." We all jump on this: is it yours? No. Was it your wife's? No, she doens't do drugs. The more questions he gets asked about the spoon, the more he implies that it's some kind of conspiracy. Although he has no shame about telling us all about his "open-ended" prescription to Oxycodone and Morphine, and his lifelong abuse of any and all kinds of opiates, but the spoon wasn't his because he doesn't like needles. Well I think we have the proof we need here, so let's move on.
So, Todd gets frustrated with this dude's obvious denial of the situation. He opens the floor to all of us, actually makes us ask questions about the state of this dude's house. So we start asking questions:
"Was the trash piled up?"
Dirty J, responds "Yeah, the trash probably hadn't been taken out in five days or so"
"Were there clothes piled up everywhere?"
"Well, the laundry hadn't been done in about four or five days"
He keeps reverting back to "five days" I guess he thinks that sounds bad, but still reasonable, and keeps him from looking like a total greasy shitbag.
It gets to me, and I ask "Where were the kids sleeping? Did they have sheets on the beds?"
"In their beds, and yes they had sheets."
The interrogation goes on like this for a little while longer, "Was there rotten food? Was stuff smeared on the walls? How many dirty diapers were there?" Dirty J deflected all of these in the same way. Finally I spoke up, and said "Dude, I don't want to be a dick here, because I know we're all here with our own problems, but I gotta tell you this story; One time when I was in the Army, our Sergeant Major made all of us Sergeants come out to this soldier's house in my unit one weekend. This was our equivalent of a DHS situation. In this soldier's apartment there was shit everywhere, no clothes were hung up, you couldn't see the floor, puddles of random shit everywhere, every flat surface in the house was covered with garbage, food and whatever else, also the house reaked like some kind of otherworldly rotten garbage." And I went on, "like I said, I'm not trying to call you out or anything, but that dude was just like you, when we were talking to him he was like 'yeah, I've been real busy, I didn't really get a chance to clean up around here,' and we were all going nuts saying 'Dude, it doesn't get like this because you forgot to clean up for a few days, this is a lifestyle. A filthy rotten lifestyle."
My little story got Dirty J to change his approach a little, now instead of deflecting he was saying "yeah, I hate myself for letting it get this way," and other wah wah wah I'm a horrible person stuff, probably just to get us to back off. Finally Todd brought out the official DHS report.
After a little back and forth with Dirty J about whether or not he wanted to hear this report, he read it to the class. The DHS report said that there was garbage everywhere, that you couldn't go in the dining room because it was stacked with boxes in disarray. Apparently there was a little bathroom that was piled up with so many clothes you couldn't open the door. In the bedroom where the whole family slept, there were all kinds of bottles and sippy cups with various rotting liquids inside. In the kitchen there were dishes with moldy food piled everywhere, and next to an overflowing trashcan there were piles of garbage bags that hadn't been taken out. The house was infested with fleas, keep in mind that Dirty J said that there weren't any pets in the house, and the kids were covered in flea bites. And finally in another bathroom there was a toilet that was backed up and overflowing for some time, DHS couldn't stay in that area for more than a few minutes at a time.
So it got pretty quiet after that, the killer here is that while we were all sitting there quietly picturing the extent of how bad this house had been, Dirty J seemed to be oddly satisfied, as if what Todd just read had vindicated him.
After everything I've heard in my life, I'm still meeting people who astonish me with their thinking. I guess I'm just not smart enough to understand the mystery that is Dirty J.
One more thing, I want to know what kind of medical condition someone could have that would require an open-ended prescription of morphine and oxycodone, yet still that person holds down a job working twenty hour days doing security. Anyone?
So, Todd was put in the unfortunate position of having to evaluate this guy for DHS and tell them whether or not he should be around his kids or get unification with his wife. Since the whole idea behind this program is that you learn to take responsibility for your actions, Todd decided to put this guy's feet to the fire and see if he'd take responsibility for everything he'd done that got him to this point. He put the guy, that I'll call Dirty J, in a chair at the front of the class, and gave us a little background.
Todd told us that this guy had been in the program for over thirty weeks before Todd became his facilitator. Almost as soon as Dirty J was Todd's problem, DHS asked Todd for an evaluation. Todd went to the other facilitators who'd worked with him and asked them what their opinion of Dirty J was, and they all said that this guy wasn't really progressing, mostly he just came to class with a chip on his shoulder and put in his time. They said he didn't really take responsibility for his actions, and always had someone to blame for whatever problems he has.
Well, sitting in front of all of us Todd asks Dirty J to tell us about his time in the program. Right off the bat, I'm thinking this guy is full of it. He begins by telling us how intellectual he is, and that he was totally detaching himself from his emotions and even used his skills in math (what?) to buck the system at Bridges. He must have used the word "intellectualize" seven times in the first two minutes he was talking. Now call me superficial or whatever, but when a dude shows up to class in a dirty brown t-shirt with a faded picture of a Camaro on it, bad facial hair and running pants, the first thing I'm thinking is not: this dude is going to outsmart us all.
So he goes on and on, painting this picture of what a diabolical genius he is, until finally Todd interrupts him. "Why don't you tell us why you're here in the first place?" Todd asks. Dirty J tries to dodge the question for awhile, and then he tells us this story about how he caught his wife cheating on him, and there's no chance here he's not going to parlay this into a story about how fully badass he really is so he tells us about how he totally kicked this guys ass with his Genius Kung Fu, and then three days later he got picked up by the police.
Todd interrupts him again, asking him about why DHS is on his case. Dirty J instantly takes advantage of another opportunity to ignore the question and play up his badassness. He tells us about how he does "Major Event Security" (remind me to put a link to the Mall ninja in here somewhere) and that he works twenty hour days, and he makes a sideways mention that the house went to hell in a hand basket during the two weeks he was working this event. Todd pointedly asks him "What does to hell in a handbasket mean." Dirty J goes, "Well the laundry was piling up and the dishes hadn't been done in a couple of days." That's it, that's all he says.
Todd asks him about the spoon. Dirty J goes "oh," as if he'd forgotten a very insignificant detail "Yeah, they found a spoon in the house that they tested and it turned out to have opiate residue in it." We all jump on this: is it yours? No. Was it your wife's? No, she doens't do drugs. The more questions he gets asked about the spoon, the more he implies that it's some kind of conspiracy. Although he has no shame about telling us all about his "open-ended" prescription to Oxycodone and Morphine, and his lifelong abuse of any and all kinds of opiates, but the spoon wasn't his because he doesn't like needles. Well I think we have the proof we need here, so let's move on.
So, Todd gets frustrated with this dude's obvious denial of the situation. He opens the floor to all of us, actually makes us ask questions about the state of this dude's house. So we start asking questions:
"Was the trash piled up?"
Dirty J, responds "Yeah, the trash probably hadn't been taken out in five days or so"
"Were there clothes piled up everywhere?"
"Well, the laundry hadn't been done in about four or five days"
He keeps reverting back to "five days" I guess he thinks that sounds bad, but still reasonable, and keeps him from looking like a total greasy shitbag.
It gets to me, and I ask "Where were the kids sleeping? Did they have sheets on the beds?"
"In their beds, and yes they had sheets."
The interrogation goes on like this for a little while longer, "Was there rotten food? Was stuff smeared on the walls? How many dirty diapers were there?" Dirty J deflected all of these in the same way. Finally I spoke up, and said "Dude, I don't want to be a dick here, because I know we're all here with our own problems, but I gotta tell you this story; One time when I was in the Army, our Sergeant Major made all of us Sergeants come out to this soldier's house in my unit one weekend. This was our equivalent of a DHS situation. In this soldier's apartment there was shit everywhere, no clothes were hung up, you couldn't see the floor, puddles of random shit everywhere, every flat surface in the house was covered with garbage, food and whatever else, also the house reaked like some kind of otherworldly rotten garbage." And I went on, "like I said, I'm not trying to call you out or anything, but that dude was just like you, when we were talking to him he was like 'yeah, I've been real busy, I didn't really get a chance to clean up around here,' and we were all going nuts saying 'Dude, it doesn't get like this because you forgot to clean up for a few days, this is a lifestyle. A filthy rotten lifestyle."
My little story got Dirty J to change his approach a little, now instead of deflecting he was saying "yeah, I hate myself for letting it get this way," and other wah wah wah I'm a horrible person stuff, probably just to get us to back off. Finally Todd brought out the official DHS report.
After a little back and forth with Dirty J about whether or not he wanted to hear this report, he read it to the class. The DHS report said that there was garbage everywhere, that you couldn't go in the dining room because it was stacked with boxes in disarray. Apparently there was a little bathroom that was piled up with so many clothes you couldn't open the door. In the bedroom where the whole family slept, there were all kinds of bottles and sippy cups with various rotting liquids inside. In the kitchen there were dishes with moldy food piled everywhere, and next to an overflowing trashcan there were piles of garbage bags that hadn't been taken out. The house was infested with fleas, keep in mind that Dirty J said that there weren't any pets in the house, and the kids were covered in flea bites. And finally in another bathroom there was a toilet that was backed up and overflowing for some time, DHS couldn't stay in that area for more than a few minutes at a time.
So it got pretty quiet after that, the killer here is that while we were all sitting there quietly picturing the extent of how bad this house had been, Dirty J seemed to be oddly satisfied, as if what Todd just read had vindicated him.
After everything I've heard in my life, I'm still meeting people who astonish me with their thinking. I guess I'm just not smart enough to understand the mystery that is Dirty J.
One more thing, I want to know what kind of medical condition someone could have that would require an open-ended prescription of morphine and oxycodone, yet still that person holds down a job working twenty hour days doing security. Anyone?
Friday, June 13, 2008
Humor in Humility
Last night something interesting happened in class. The lesson was on things you can do in an argument to hurt the other person, or unfair methods of fighting. Todd was talking about the idea of violating confidence. He was trying to explain that violating confidence is when someone has revealed something to you and you use that against them. "This could be something you told them, or they told you when you were vulnerable. Like some deep dark secret, or something totally humiliating." When he said this, like three guys in the room cracked up. I was sitting there thinking, "uh oh." These guys couldn't stifle their laughter just hearing the word "humiliating." I sat there for the rest of the class wondering what demented images went flashing through their minds at the mere mention of humiliation. In my head it was just the entire Jackass movie in one millisecond. Let's hope it was that innocent.
BFL- eleventh week
I have been doing good on my workouts, but my diet has really been off. I am having a hard time getting motivated to prepare my meals in advance, which has always been my problem. It's needless to say that my 12 Week pictures aren't going to be as good as I'd hoped. I am still going to take them, and try to stay motivated for the next challenge. This weekend, I am going to go grocery shopping and prepare some good food for the rest of the week. Also, I am going to start doing my food journal. When I abandoned that, it was easier to slack off on everything else.
BFL- eleventh week
I have been doing good on my workouts, but my diet has really been off. I am having a hard time getting motivated to prepare my meals in advance, which has always been my problem. It's needless to say that my 12 Week pictures aren't going to be as good as I'd hoped. I am still going to take them, and try to stay motivated for the next challenge. This weekend, I am going to go grocery shopping and prepare some good food for the rest of the week. Also, I am going to start doing my food journal. When I abandoned that, it was easier to slack off on everything else.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Unmotivated 10th Week
Well, I am struggling to get my mojo back this week. I have been eating ok, but this weekend my sister had her wedding reception and the whole family came down. I took it easy on the over eating but I was definitely undisciplined. It's sort of bleeding over into the week and that's exactly what I don't want to do. Today is Wednesday, and it's the first day that I've really set about eating correctly.
It's almost time for another Crazy School session. Last week was pretty uneventful. We pretty much spent the whole time talking about how we felt when the Crazy Redneck was going off in class. For some reason Todd kept coming back to me. Also, he makes it a habit to mention me cagefighting, or being in martial arts about once every five minutes in case anybody forgot. It makes me a little self conscious for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I don't want people thinking I'm some crazy fighter guy who lost control and beat up his wife, and secondly I don't want the guys in class thinking that because he keeps mentioning it, that I'm some kind of arrogant badass. Talking about how badass you are to a bunch of criminals is a good way to get your car keyed.
Anyway, I'll try and get back on track here.
It's almost time for another Crazy School session. Last week was pretty uneventful. We pretty much spent the whole time talking about how we felt when the Crazy Redneck was going off in class. For some reason Todd kept coming back to me. Also, he makes it a habit to mention me cagefighting, or being in martial arts about once every five minutes in case anybody forgot. It makes me a little self conscious for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I don't want people thinking I'm some crazy fighter guy who lost control and beat up his wife, and secondly I don't want the guys in class thinking that because he keeps mentioning it, that I'm some kind of arrogant badass. Talking about how badass you are to a bunch of criminals is a good way to get your car keyed.
Anyway, I'll try and get back on track here.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Crazy School Week 4: Angry Redneck - Memorial Day Weekend
So the Crazy Redneck I talked about earlier came to class with a chip on his shoulder. Last week when we were leaving he got on the elevator with me, and oh boy he was raging. From the very first time I met this guy, I had the impression that he is just a six-pack and a bad day away from killing his whole family. This impression was furthered along when he jumped on my elevator and said to nobody in particular "They want to start me over? I'll punch him in his damn head." If I recall correctly, there were also a few "They're out of their damn minds," interspersed with even more "I'll fucking punch him in the damn head."
That day the object of the Redneck's rage was our lead counselor. Apparently the Redneck missed like five weeks in a row of class, and when he finally showed back up, the counselor told him that he wasn't going to report him to the judge, but that he would have to start over. Which is a pretty good deal to me, considering how many times I was reminded about all the things I could do wrong to get me non-complied and sent back before a judge. At first the Redneck seemed to take it all in stride, calm as a cucumber. But as class went on, he started getting more fidgety, and even somebody as dense to the human condition as myself could tell he was starting to boil. I was actually a little worried that he was going to flip out and start punching walls or something by the time he jumped on my elevator.
So last night, the Redneck shows up to class already fired up. Our lead counselor guy, who I'll call Todd for now, (which isn't his name, but it might as well be considering his real name is equally as boring and it took me over a month to figure out his actual name) asks if any of us want to share anything from our homework assignment. (where we have to talk about an incident that inspired rage or contempt in us from that previous week...I wrote about the treadmills conspiring against me and shutting down trying to kill me when I was sprinting...anyways) Redneck immediately jumps up "I do, oh boy do I ever" So he gets more and more antsy, this guy can't hold still in his chair for more than a second. Todd is like, bring it on dude. I gotta give Todd credit, the Redneck isn't much of a threat, physically speaking, but I've known enough crazy people to know that you shouldn't egg them on, especially when they're already going threatcon yellow. So Redneck guy starts in, "you told me I have to start this program all over, and I had been going here for 2o some odd weeks, and you've let other people miss more classes than me and blah blah blah." Todd just sits back in his chair. Todd fiddles with the pen behind his ear and calmly says
"No, we never let anyone go more than three weeks, that's state law and-"
The Redneck interrupts "NO! Last week you said four weeks. Four!" (I'm pretty sure he didn't actually say that, but I'm not going to interrupt, I'm enjoying the show playing out before me.)
Todd counters, "Well, I see you disagree, but that is the law, and we can hash it out here if you disagree..." Redneck latches onto this phrase: Let's hash it out. He gets all excited, and he's like "Yeah, let's hash it out, let's hash it out right now!" The rest of this story continues with Todd countering him every time he says something like "you've done this before" with a "no we haven't" and then the Redneck fills in all the blanks with "Let's hash it out!" And the end of this story is that Todd never flinches even when I'm thinking that this guy is going to come out of his chair and we're going to have an entire class of batterers trying to stop a fist fight from breaking out. How's that for irony? Todd earned some street cred with me that night, he handled himself and the crazy Redneck pretty deftly. Although I am sure that night his dog probably took the beating Crazy Redneck hoped to dole out to Todd.
Memorial Day Dieting - New PR in running
It's Memorial Day weekend. Which is great for everybody else, but to me, it's like "Crap, how am I going to follow my diet?" Part of me wanted to give up immediately and head for Taco Bell as soon as I got off of work.
Instead, I went and put in some time in the gym on the treadmill. This time, none of them tried to kill me. And I got a PR, I ran 2.58 miles in 20 minutes, while doing the High Point Ladder. I was smokin! For my 10 pace, I ran 10.5 mph, and I've never done that before.
Just for giggles, I weighed myself tonight too. I am a little worried that I won't be as disciplined as I should be this weekend and I wanted to get a good weight before I let the weekend get away from me. I weighed in at 211 lbs. Which means, that once again I didn't lose any scale-weight this week. I'm trying not to be discouraged, but I'd like to see at least a pound here and there disappear.
I only have three more weeks for BFL after this weekend. I gotta kick it up a notch.
That day the object of the Redneck's rage was our lead counselor. Apparently the Redneck missed like five weeks in a row of class, and when he finally showed back up, the counselor told him that he wasn't going to report him to the judge, but that he would have to start over. Which is a pretty good deal to me, considering how many times I was reminded about all the things I could do wrong to get me non-complied and sent back before a judge. At first the Redneck seemed to take it all in stride, calm as a cucumber. But as class went on, he started getting more fidgety, and even somebody as dense to the human condition as myself could tell he was starting to boil. I was actually a little worried that he was going to flip out and start punching walls or something by the time he jumped on my elevator.
So last night, the Redneck shows up to class already fired up. Our lead counselor guy, who I'll call Todd for now, (which isn't his name, but it might as well be considering his real name is equally as boring and it took me over a month to figure out his actual name) asks if any of us want to share anything from our homework assignment. (where we have to talk about an incident that inspired rage or contempt in us from that previous week...I wrote about the treadmills conspiring against me and shutting down trying to kill me when I was sprinting...anyways) Redneck immediately jumps up "I do, oh boy do I ever" So he gets more and more antsy, this guy can't hold still in his chair for more than a second. Todd is like, bring it on dude. I gotta give Todd credit, the Redneck isn't much of a threat, physically speaking, but I've known enough crazy people to know that you shouldn't egg them on, especially when they're already going threatcon yellow. So Redneck guy starts in, "you told me I have to start this program all over, and I had been going here for 2o some odd weeks, and you've let other people miss more classes than me and blah blah blah." Todd just sits back in his chair. Todd fiddles with the pen behind his ear and calmly says
"No, we never let anyone go more than three weeks, that's state law and-"
The Redneck interrupts "NO! Last week you said four weeks. Four!" (I'm pretty sure he didn't actually say that, but I'm not going to interrupt, I'm enjoying the show playing out before me.)
Todd counters, "Well, I see you disagree, but that is the law, and we can hash it out here if you disagree..." Redneck latches onto this phrase: Let's hash it out. He gets all excited, and he's like "Yeah, let's hash it out, let's hash it out right now!" The rest of this story continues with Todd countering him every time he says something like "you've done this before" with a "no we haven't" and then the Redneck fills in all the blanks with "Let's hash it out!" And the end of this story is that Todd never flinches even when I'm thinking that this guy is going to come out of his chair and we're going to have an entire class of batterers trying to stop a fist fight from breaking out. How's that for irony? Todd earned some street cred with me that night, he handled himself and the crazy Redneck pretty deftly. Although I am sure that night his dog probably took the beating Crazy Redneck hoped to dole out to Todd.
Memorial Day Dieting - New PR in running
It's Memorial Day weekend. Which is great for everybody else, but to me, it's like "Crap, how am I going to follow my diet?" Part of me wanted to give up immediately and head for Taco Bell as soon as I got off of work.
Instead, I went and put in some time in the gym on the treadmill. This time, none of them tried to kill me. And I got a PR, I ran 2.58 miles in 20 minutes, while doing the High Point Ladder. I was smokin! For my 10 pace, I ran 10.5 mph, and I've never done that before.
Just for giggles, I weighed myself tonight too. I am a little worried that I won't be as disciplined as I should be this weekend and I wanted to get a good weight before I let the weekend get away from me. I weighed in at 211 lbs. Which means, that once again I didn't lose any scale-weight this week. I'm trying not to be discouraged, but I'd like to see at least a pound here and there disappear.
I only have three more weeks for BFL after this weekend. I gotta kick it up a notch.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
8 Week Progress Pics - Congrats Tim - Treadmill Killer
Today is my 8 week anniversary since starting BFL, so that means I have to take new pics. I had a great leg workout with Tim. And afterward I weighed in at 210 lbs on the dot. I'm not too concerned with my scale weight, as long as I feel like I'm losing fat and gaining muscle, and my pants fit looser and looser I don't care what I weigh.
Big Day for Tim
I have to say that Tim weighed in at under 200 lbs today for the first time. And I was really proud of him, I think in the past seven weeks he's only missed one workout, and from what I can tell he has been really disciplined about his diet. Congratulations Tim!
Friday's Hat Trick
and a quick note on my cardio day yesterday. Fridays are usually my "Speed day," because I drop the elevation down to zero, and I just see how much distance I can cover doing the BFL high point ladder. My record thus far has been 2.52 miles in 20 minutes. I was all set to break my PR yesterday, and I started off feeling good, feeling strong. About the time I was finishing my first cycle, sprinting the machine just shut down. So I had to jump on the machine next to it. About five minutes later, THAT machine shut down, about that time I'm pretty frustrated, and I sort of scream "You gotta be F***ing kidding me!" which gets me all kinds of negative attention in the gym. So I jump on the machine next to that one. And I am really booking I have no idea how far I've gone at this point, but I know I'm way fast for this being my last cycle. On my 10 level, I was running at 9.9 mph (a first for me) and....the machine shut down. I gave up trying to finish, and just cooled down, very frustrated that I didn't break my distance PR, but happy that I was feeling really fast.
Ok here is me from the front
And side. My arms don't look any bigger but I think that the sun just flattered them in the four week pics. Plus today was a leg day, so I didn't get that pump in my arms.
...and my new back pic. That tire around the middle is getting smaller!
Big Day for Tim
I have to say that Tim weighed in at under 200 lbs today for the first time. And I was really proud of him, I think in the past seven weeks he's only missed one workout, and from what I can tell he has been really disciplined about his diet. Congratulations Tim!
Friday's Hat Trick
and a quick note on my cardio day yesterday. Fridays are usually my "Speed day," because I drop the elevation down to zero, and I just see how much distance I can cover doing the BFL high point ladder. My record thus far has been 2.52 miles in 20 minutes. I was all set to break my PR yesterday, and I started off feeling good, feeling strong. About the time I was finishing my first cycle, sprinting the machine just shut down. So I had to jump on the machine next to it. About five minutes later, THAT machine shut down, about that time I'm pretty frustrated, and I sort of scream "You gotta be F***ing kidding me!" which gets me all kinds of negative attention in the gym. So I jump on the machine next to that one. And I am really booking I have no idea how far I've gone at this point, but I know I'm way fast for this being my last cycle. On my 10 level, I was running at 9.9 mph (a first for me) and....the machine shut down. I gave up trying to finish, and just cooled down, very frustrated that I didn't break my distance PR, but happy that I was feeling really fast.
Ok here is me from the front
And side. My arms don't look any bigger but I think that the sun just flattered them in the four week pics. Plus today was a leg day, so I didn't get that pump in my arms.
...and my new back pic. That tire around the middle is getting smaller!
4 Week Progress Pics
This is what I looked like on April 19th.
I went from 232 lbs. to 214 lbs.
Here's me from the side. Getting a little less "thick" which is often a conveinent word for me to excuse myself for being fat.
Alright, and here's the pic I was sort of dreading. My back progress over four weeks. Still got that nasty band of fat, but it's getting smaller and I was really happy with my progress over the four weeks.
Alright, so that was four weeks. The only thing I changed after this four weeks, was that I moved my meals back a little so that my late afternoon meal (Myoplex shake) came less than an hour before my workout and then I immediately have another shake after my lifting workouts. I don't know if it's psychosomatic but I really felt stronger.
I went from 232 lbs. to 214 lbs.
Here's me from the side. Getting a little less "thick" which is often a conveinent word for me to excuse myself for being fat.
Alright, and here's the pic I was sort of dreading. My back progress over four weeks. Still got that nasty band of fat, but it's getting smaller and I was really happy with my progress over the four weeks.
Alright, so that was four weeks. The only thing I changed after this four weeks, was that I moved my meals back a little so that my late afternoon meal (Myoplex shake) came less than an hour before my workout and then I immediately have another shake after my lifting workouts. I don't know if it's psychosomatic but I really felt stronger.
Friday, May 16, 2008
3rd Week in Crazy Land
So I had Bridges again last night. I guess I'm winning people over in there. Last night we had to talk about behavioral vs. physical signs of when you get angry. We were going around the room sharing about our physical signs of anger, and when it got to me I said, "I usually clench my jaw, and pop my joints," and I popped my neck and my elbows. The leader guy (someday I'll remember his name) said "oh that must be from your cage fighting." and I said "yeah, I guess it comes with the territory." He sort of paused and said "wait, are you really a cage fighter?" and I said "yeah, I thought you knew that already." So a few guys in the class started asking me about that, and I had to clarify that I'm not a cage fighter, but I've participated in MMA, and still do martial arts.
Since I am trying to be positive about this whole stupid experience, I will say that my favorite part of Bridges is the odd mix of characters in the class. There's the crazy redneck guy that obviously belongs there, and then there's the really well-spoken guy who's kind of the veteren of the group who's so blantantly honest about everything it's a little disarming. He talks about his struggles with alcoholism, and the kind of person he is when he drinks as opposed to who he is when we see him. He's always interesting. Then there's this Russian guy, who mumbles crazy things in his thick Russian accent usually about how awful and stupid and cruel women are. Last night the crazy Russian guy, blindsided us by closing the evening with a poem he wrote.
Since I am trying to be positive about this whole stupid experience, I will say that my favorite part of Bridges is the odd mix of characters in the class. There's the crazy redneck guy that obviously belongs there, and then there's the really well-spoken guy who's kind of the veteren of the group who's so blantantly honest about everything it's a little disarming. He talks about his struggles with alcoholism, and the kind of person he is when he drinks as opposed to who he is when we see him. He's always interesting. Then there's this Russian guy, who mumbles crazy things in his thick Russian accent usually about how awful and stupid and cruel women are. Last night the crazy Russian guy, blindsided us by closing the evening with a poem he wrote.
First Day in Crazy School
-This is basically the email I wrote to my brother the next day about my experience at Bridges
I show up to Bridges, about ten minutes early. There’s a couple of scruffy looking dudes waiting in this little area outside the room. While we’re sitting there a few more scruffy looking dudes come meandering in. The room starts to take on an air of engine grease and socks, and somewhere in there I detected a distinct smell of superglue. Anyway while we’re all sitting there, saying nothing for the most part like the world’s biggest most uncomfortable elevator, we can hear through the door to where anotehr counseling session is already happening. Out of nowhere some lady in there goes “Goddamn it! I am tired of this shit! You guys are all blahbablahablabablah” She’s kind of screaming at these guys, and I’m sitting there thinking, “oh goody, I get to go in there and get screamed at by some incoherent woman, this is new.”
It quiets down in that room somewhat after that, some of the guys in my waiting area are talking, telling their hard-luck stories. One guy is in there, he’s obviously a mechanic, he’s talking about how he has to pay $40 a week for this class, he’s on probation which apparently costs $70 a month, and he has to go to some court-mandated parenting class to get custody of his kids that is costing him like $120 a month. It really seems like the system is failing this guy, well actually it’s fucking him prison-movie style. Probably the only reason he’s not starving to death is because he’s taken a second job selling meth (just guessing on that one)
So we wait. Class starts at 7:00pm, and we wait and wait. At 7:25 we hear from inside the room “Ok, we’re like 25 minutes late, let’s wrap it up.” Five minutes (Do you know how long five minutes is, when you've already been waiting twenty-five?) later that room clears out, and that group of scruffy looking dudes comes out and intermingles with my group of scruffy looking dudes. So I’m absorbing the idea that I am paying $40 a session to come here (for the next 26 weeks) and I was warned up and down not to be late for my sessions or else I would be counted as absent and possibly be reported to the courts for non-compliance, and yet, they can just ignore us for 30 minutes.
If you’re still with me, here’s the best part. We go in, and the dude who’s in charge, the one who previously judged me to be a sociopath based on a second hand opinion from some woman who’s credentials to make such a judgment are in question, is standing there looking like some sort of yuppy douchebag. We all introduce ourselves, and then he puts on a movie. That’s it, I paid forty dollars to watch an hour of some shitty movie The Waitress.
Since you probably haven’t seen it, it’s a movie about a woman who is a waitress (who saw that coming?) who is married to a total asshole. He talks down to her, makes her give him her money from work, slaps her around and is generally a bad guy all around. I am sitting there thinking, “This is how they are trying to get the point across to me?” If I was to watch that movie in any other scenario in my life, I would be like, hey no big deal, but in that room in that context, you feel like the finger is pointed at you, with somebody saying "That's you, you're the bad guy." I sat there through the entire movie thinking that I should make some asinine remark about how I thought the guy was just misunderstood, and she was the real villain, but I didn’t want to take my chances that they would take me seriously and immediately petition the judge to put me in crazy-prison.
The coup de grace here is that at the end we have “homework.” We have to take and fill out these sheets that say “What was a situation that made you angry?” I sat there the entire time thinking that I would love to fill this one out all about my situation that evening. The problem is that they have me by the collar, all the have to do is decide that I’m not cooperating with the program and they can call the judge and screw me over.
I hate my life.
Crazy School Preliminary Meeting
Part of my agreement with the court is to attend this "Batterers Treatment Counseling" or "Bridges" program for a minimum of 26 weeks and upon completion they will dismiss the charges against me.
So I make an appointment to go in for my preliminary meeting. Which consists of me sitting in a hallway filling out thousands of vaguely insulting multiple choice questionaires. I can't tell you how many different ways there are to ask you if you're an alcoholic, but I'm pretty sure that those tests covered all of them. It would go something like this
10. T/F I have many friends and form close relationships.
11. T/F I often can't make it to work because I am drunk or too hung over
12. T/F I feel that the World has caused me considerable pain and misery
13. T/F My family often accuses me of being an alcoholic
It seemed like every other question was trying to trick me into admitting I'm an alcoholic, like somehow I wouldn't answer 99 of the questions right, and then there would be that one question where they got through, like "True or False, I often fall asleep on the toilet with a bottle of Jack Daniels" and I would be like "Shit, who hasn't done that? This week." oh no, they got me!
Anyways after I fill out all the tests, I have to go in for an interview with this young woman. She asks me to tell her about myself, and all about the incident that brought me there. So I do, I tell her everything, the stuff she did to me, the stuff I did wrong, everything. I think this is going pretty well. In my head I am showing that I'm cooperative, and honest, and willing to work with the program. We talk for awhile, and it seems really casual, and at the end she's closing up and she says something about how they'll evaulate me and get back to me about which program I should be in, the 12 week, the 26 week or the 42 week program. I point out to her that the judge actually told me that I'm on a 26 maximum program, and she notes that on her forms, and then I'm on my marry way.
...the next morning
My lawyer calls me. He's upset. So he asks me in a very concerned tone "What the hell happened in there? Did you flip her off and tell her that you weren't gonna take any of her shit?" I was in shock. No, I thought it went really well, and I fill him in on everything that went down with the tests, and my interview with the girl.
Well it turns out, that apparently the head counseling guy read her notes on me and determined that I'm a "Very dangerous individual," and that I "showed sociopathic tendencies." Uhh, what? So, I'm left sitting here thinking, what the hell did I say?
I tell my sister who's a counselor about it, and my friend who is also in the counseling field, asking them for insight on what I could've done or said that gave this impression. We're all pretty confused by it. But we have our theories: either the DA (who didn't like the deal I got) gave the people over at Bridges a call and told them not to trust me or that I'm a psycho that got away with it or something. Or my personal theory that when you don't know me or my wife, and I tell you stories about things that have happened or went down, I think I might sound like a guy who's making this stuff up. It's all a little over the top, and I can see how especially in that field they get a lot of guys coming in their with some wild stories. So maybe she just assumed that I was trying to justify my being there with wild fish-stories, and put that in her notes. I'll never know for sure.
So my lawyer faxes over the judges comments about me (being basically a decent guy) and all my character statements, and his own opinoin of me. And a couple of days later, I give the head counseling guy over at Bridges a call, just to state my case.
He's nice, but really stand-offish, he's probably had to deal with a lot of weirdos calling him up on this stuff. But he explains to me that usually in such extreme circumstances, they wouldn't ever have a person in less than the 42 week program and he can't understand why I'm only doing 26 weeks. He says as long as I go along with the program, and do my assignments we shouldn't have a problem getting me out in 26 weeks or so.
At this point I want so badly to point out that the judge said "maximum of 26 weeks," but I don't want this guy thinking that I'm uncooperative or...you know a freakin' sociopath.
So I make an appointment to go in for my preliminary meeting. Which consists of me sitting in a hallway filling out thousands of vaguely insulting multiple choice questionaires. I can't tell you how many different ways there are to ask you if you're an alcoholic, but I'm pretty sure that those tests covered all of them. It would go something like this
10. T/F I have many friends and form close relationships.
11. T/F I often can't make it to work because I am drunk or too hung over
12. T/F I feel that the World has caused me considerable pain and misery
13. T/F My family often accuses me of being an alcoholic
It seemed like every other question was trying to trick me into admitting I'm an alcoholic, like somehow I wouldn't answer 99 of the questions right, and then there would be that one question where they got through, like "True or False, I often fall asleep on the toilet with a bottle of Jack Daniels" and I would be like "Shit, who hasn't done that? This week." oh no, they got me!
Anyways after I fill out all the tests, I have to go in for an interview with this young woman. She asks me to tell her about myself, and all about the incident that brought me there. So I do, I tell her everything, the stuff she did to me, the stuff I did wrong, everything. I think this is going pretty well. In my head I am showing that I'm cooperative, and honest, and willing to work with the program. We talk for awhile, and it seems really casual, and at the end she's closing up and she says something about how they'll evaulate me and get back to me about which program I should be in, the 12 week, the 26 week or the 42 week program. I point out to her that the judge actually told me that I'm on a 26 maximum program, and she notes that on her forms, and then I'm on my marry way.
...the next morning
My lawyer calls me. He's upset. So he asks me in a very concerned tone "What the hell happened in there? Did you flip her off and tell her that you weren't gonna take any of her shit?" I was in shock. No, I thought it went really well, and I fill him in on everything that went down with the tests, and my interview with the girl.
Well it turns out, that apparently the head counseling guy read her notes on me and determined that I'm a "Very dangerous individual," and that I "showed sociopathic tendencies." Uhh, what? So, I'm left sitting here thinking, what the hell did I say?
I tell my sister who's a counselor about it, and my friend who is also in the counseling field, asking them for insight on what I could've done or said that gave this impression. We're all pretty confused by it. But we have our theories: either the DA (who didn't like the deal I got) gave the people over at Bridges a call and told them not to trust me or that I'm a psycho that got away with it or something. Or my personal theory that when you don't know me or my wife, and I tell you stories about things that have happened or went down, I think I might sound like a guy who's making this stuff up. It's all a little over the top, and I can see how especially in that field they get a lot of guys coming in their with some wild stories. So maybe she just assumed that I was trying to justify my being there with wild fish-stories, and put that in her notes. I'll never know for sure.
So my lawyer faxes over the judges comments about me (being basically a decent guy) and all my character statements, and his own opinoin of me. And a couple of days later, I give the head counseling guy over at Bridges a call, just to state my case.
He's nice, but really stand-offish, he's probably had to deal with a lot of weirdos calling him up on this stuff. But he explains to me that usually in such extreme circumstances, they wouldn't ever have a person in less than the 42 week program and he can't understand why I'm only doing 26 weeks. He says as long as I go along with the program, and do my assignments we shouldn't have a problem getting me out in 26 weeks or so.
At this point I want so badly to point out that the judge said "maximum of 26 weeks," but I don't want this guy thinking that I'm uncooperative or...you know a freakin' sociopath.
Beginning of BFL
This is what I looked like back on March 24th.
This Back shot is the one that really made me go "whoa, I need to do something about this."
So even during the time when these pictures were taken, I thought of myself as "in shape." I worked out semi-regularly, I did some martial arts and stuff, I thought my diet was pretty good. I couldn't believe what these pics showed me.
Backfat, moobs, tube arms; I look like a loser. It's time for a change.
This Back shot is the one that really made me go "whoa, I need to do something about this."
So even during the time when these pictures were taken, I thought of myself as "in shape." I worked out semi-regularly, I did some martial arts and stuff, I thought my diet was pretty good. I couldn't believe what these pics showed me.
Backfat, moobs, tube arms; I look like a loser. It's time for a change.
Background
So this is my blog. I've threatened to do this for awhile now. So here it is.
A little background....
I'm 29 years old. I was in a domestic dispute with my wife back in January, and as a result of that fight, I have been placed in a Batterer's Treatment Program for 26 weeks. Since the incident in January I've moved into my parent's house. Part of the protective agreement for my wife is that she gets to live in our house, and I'm not allowed to contact her in any way outside of couple's counseling.
Since moving out, I've spent a great deal of time in "the Fortress of Purpletude" or my room at my parent's house. I went through a few weeks of obligatory depression where I didn't do much more than get off the couch to go buy fast food. But at some point, I decided to try and use this time for something a little more positive, and I decided to enter the Body for Life program.
So all in all this is my blog about being in batterer's counseling, and also probably some stuff about my fitness program.
A little background....
I'm 29 years old. I was in a domestic dispute with my wife back in January, and as a result of that fight, I have been placed in a Batterer's Treatment Program for 26 weeks. Since the incident in January I've moved into my parent's house. Part of the protective agreement for my wife is that she gets to live in our house, and I'm not allowed to contact her in any way outside of couple's counseling.
Since moving out, I've spent a great deal of time in "the Fortress of Purpletude" or my room at my parent's house. I went through a few weeks of obligatory depression where I didn't do much more than get off the couch to go buy fast food. But at some point, I decided to try and use this time for something a little more positive, and I decided to enter the Body for Life program.
So all in all this is my blog about being in batterer's counseling, and also probably some stuff about my fitness program.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
