What is Best in Life?

This is my two-weeks notice letter to my boss at the Steel Mill where I work. I was hired to work as a Paramedic by a security company, so we worked hand in hand with the security guards, but as time went on, it seemed that they really wanted me to be more of a security guard than a paramedic.
The problem with that is that I am not a security guard, paramedics are kind of the opposite of security guards. The last thing in the whole world I want to do is hassle people. I like that when I show up, people are usually glad I'm there. You don't usually hear people say "oh no, here come the paramedics."
So as my disdain grew and grew, my ability to take the job seriously shrank and shrank. That's how you end up with this as my resignation letter.

It reads:
Dear Madame;

It has been the greatest honor of my life to serve with you on the battlefield of blankity blank Steel Mills. When I find that I can no longer muster the enthusiasm to go charging into battle with the gusto I once had, I realize that I am weary and the day of reckoning is upon me. Unfortunately, the time comes when every soldier has to hang up his sword and turn the fight over to the warriors of a new generation.

In order to preserve the standards I have set and expect from my kinsmen at Blank Security company, it is my sad duty to inform you that as of January 1st, 2010 I will no longer be available to slay the proverbial dragons and rescue the damsels in distress of our day.

I thank the stars above for the opportunities my position here afforded me and I thank you for your hospitality in these last months. In my last days, I have chosen the path of a humble servant over that of a conqueror so that my transition from power may go as unnoticed as possible. I will wait out the days tending to our menial tasks with quiet determination as if nothing will ever change. I assure you that when I am gone, in my heart I will long for the days of riding my gallant steed through the majesty of sweat, steel and heat that was home at Blankity Blank Steel Mills.

There can be only one,

Blankity Psydewayz Blank

Arbitrary Lane Changes

Tonight I'm in Seattle with my (fake) brother. We are staying at this baller hotel downtown where I can look out over the city as I type this. I would say this is the land of the beautiful people, but I think it’s really just land of the ok looking people in really expensive clothes.

My return to vegetarianism lasted three days. I was lost to a $50 steak dinner. Who could blame me? I also had some sort of weird gingerbread dessert that was such a unique and surprising sensation that I had to consciously stop myself from trying to have sex with it at the dinner table. So I took in the back and had sex with it.

Its been good to hang with my bro. He’s getting married soon and as someone who has no idea what a successful marriage looks like, I’ve been giving him lots of unsolicited advice.

My business idea as a Pet Assassin has been well received. I gotta get someone to start sketching out appropriately menacing business card ideas.

My Secret Vegetarian Backstory for anyone who cares

Most who know me would agree that me being a vegetarian is a highly unlikely scenario. Here is the brief, but unavoidably gay back story on why I became a vegetarian in the first place.

One day at work, in an effort to eat a little healthier me and my partner Mike decided to get vegie burgers for lunch, then we got busy with calls and then at about eight o'clock I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd gone a whole day without eating meat. So I just decided to stop eating meat. Originally I didn't have a goal or anything, I just wanted to see if I felt any different. After awhile I decided that knowing that Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family, and I would want to participate in the gluttony as fully as I am capable, I made Thanksgiving my deadline.

So never to be satisfied with doing something just for the sake of doing it, I decided to make this a social experiment too. I started by dividing up my family and friends into groups and seeing how long I could keep them in the dark about my decision to go meatless. Of course my work friends knew almost immediately and I told my roommate because he has been a vegie off and on his whole life and I needed tips. But I was able to keep my family from finding out until the day we were actually driving to have Thanksgiving weekend with the rest of the family. That is pretty good considering that I had dinner out with my parents twice and managed to order vegetarian food without being noticed.

Hey, I told you this whole thing was pretty gay.