The Nickelback System of Love

I don't want this thing to become about dating, or god-forbid my love life. But I've had some interesting conversations since my last post. Most of those conversations that weren't about which animals are the most racist were about dating. And I've come up with a few theories that I would like to share, or stolen a few theories and claimed they were my own that I would like to share.

Recently I was talking with a friend of mine, we'll call her Laura, we were discussing why we could never get two of our friends James and Janine to hook up. Basically it came down to what a person's worth is when it came to dating. When we say "Janine is out of James' league" or "Janine is way too good for James" I felt like we had to quantify what "too good" meant based on some objective criteria. So I came up with a system.

I'd actually been working on this system for a long time, it kind of developed when I was trying my hand at internet dating. And before I present this, I want to clarify that this isn't my system for picking a woman, this is just a list of the most simplified and shallow categories that I think all single people take into account when sizing up a potential romance.

Here's how it works, if you're a man or lady person out there looking for love, you either get a point for each category or you don't.
1. In Shape
2. Employed
3. Demonstrable skill
4. Doesn't smoke
5. Doesn't have kids

Now that I've pissed everyone off, I need to reiterate that these are not the definitive list of things people need or should have in order to find love. My little system here doesn't take a lot of factors into account, things like personality, body odor or one's proclivity for talking to stuffed animals. In fact, most people in their thirties are not 5/5 or "fivers" as I am calling them, and that's ok. I'm sure not a fiver, and I definitely don't expect the women I date to be fivers. Breaking it down...

1. In Shape. This could also just be broadened into the looks category. Looks is one of those early on, yes or no kind of things. It can kill a relationship before it even starts. And to get the point for this category you don't have to be a model, or have six pack abs. And while I said earlier this is an objective system, in actuality its all relative. To put it bluntly, if she is thin and you are fat, she gets a point, and you do not. Which pretty much sums up my current relationship, but moving on...

2. Employed. Pretty straight forward. And I will point out, in my own sexist way that I think this little point is much more important for women than it is for men, but either way its something we both take into account.

3. Demonstrable skill. Everyone may think they have this, but they are painfully wrong. Really this category is just unfair. I need to make it very clear, this is not "I can fix your computer" or "I make a killer brisket" this is more like "I'm the lead singer in a band" or "I'm a ballerina" or "professional kickboxer." It's a stupid thing to base a relationship on, nevertheless it really seems to get things moving in that direction.

4. Doesn't smoke. Pretty straightforward. Even people who smoke don't want to date smokers. Because it's stupid and gross.

5. Doesn't have kids. Ok, everybody calm the hell down! I know that in this context kids are portrayed as a negative, and I know that all the mothers and fathers out there love their kids and wouldn't trade them for anything, even a jetpack. But let's be honest, even if you have rugrats of your own, you're probably not looking to go out there and take somebody else's little projects on as your own.

So, getting back to why Janine can clearly do better than James. Janine has a professional job, is is in decent shape, doesn't smoke and doesn't have kids. James is in terrible shape, is unemployed, is socially awkward, and smokes. No matter how smart he is or what nice hair James has, a 4/5 has no business being with a 1/5. If he was a 3 he would be fine, and even a really good 2 might be able to pull it off, but not a 1. So James continues being lonely and bitter, and a big fat stupid 1.

If you find yourself going "Aw, poor James," just stop it right now. James has to do very little to get back into this game. James gets a job, stops smoking, and BAM he's right back in there. Maybe James picks up his guitar and goes down to open mic night at the Beanery and rocks the house with his rendition of Sweet Caroline, if he does really well maybe some poor naive 3 might give him the benefit of the doubt. You never know with 3s, they have the power to shock you.

I'm a 3 and I don't think anyone was more shocked that I was dating my girlfriend than she was.