Bridges Week 13 - HALT

First off, Ogre showed up to class. I did not see that coming. I guess I kind of figured that if he hadn't been kicked out of the program for last week, than he would be too embarrassed to show his face back in class so quickly. I guess I underestimated his ability to absorb chastisement.
At the beginning of class, Todd did his usual round-robin of introductions. Most guys just say their name and talk about how they're doing work-wise, or how their dealings with their family or the State are going. When it got to me, I told everyone that I'd just registered for school and that I was really excited about it. When it got to Ogre, at first he just said "I'm Ogre, and I've just been looking for work." Todd said "Is that all?" "Yeah, that's pretty much it," Ogre said leaning back in his chair, with an air of undeserved self-satisfaction.
Todd was gunning for him at that point. "Last week, you were kind of all over the place. Who was here last week?" A couple of us raised our hands. "What did you guys think of Ogre's behavior in class last week?" Todd said, staring right at me. "I guess, I'm just really surprised he came back." I said. And pretty much all the other guys that had been there the week before nodded or grunted in agreement. At this point, I hadn't realized it, but Todd was going to use me as the class advocate, he kept asking me questions like "Why do you think he was behaving that way?" and then he'd stare Ogre down when I'd give my best diplomatic answer: "Well, dude, I know you've had your problems with booze, but I don't think you were drinking, but I definately think you were on something." At that, I get more grunts and nods of agreement. That was the magic answer for Todd, he's fired up now. "Yeah, the way you were acting, that's the way people act, when they're in a certain state, and that state isn't clean." Ogre is very offended at my insinuation, and Todd's outright accusal of him being on drugs, "I was just tired, I had a very long day! I'm not on anything." Todd asks Ogre if he remembers what happened in class, he says that he does, and then Todd asks him if remembers how their talk after class went, he says he does. Todd goes, you know I've been around a lot of people on a lot of things and I just have to tell you that I don't run into too many people that when they're clean they start talking about how they'd like to be as big as a building and be able to flick tanks away with just the power of their eyelash. I'm dying at this, that is totally awesome stoner talk if I've ever heard it.
Ogre adamantly denies any substance abuse. Todd is irritated as hell with him, and explains how much effort he's put into Ogre's treatment, and now he's going to give him a UA (drug test) and unlike the other guys in the program that he's trying to help keep on the right track, he just wants to catch Ogre dirty. Ogre spends the rest of the class with an angry-retard stare on his face.
The rest of class was basic psycology/biology. I won't talk about everything but there is one little thing Todd talked about that really got my attention Todd taught us an acronym to help explain why people go from being reasonable (thinking with their cerebral cortex) to going into caveman mode (thinking with the amygdalae). Here it is:
Hungry
Angry
Lonley
Tired
The idea here is that if you are any of one of those things, you are more likely to stop using your reasoning and logic skills and shift into purely impluse driven thought processes. I really identified with that, especially tired. I am probably the worst person I can be when I'm tired. But I can remember examples in my life where I've behaved irrationally due to each one of those factors.
I can actually remember one whole relationship I was in, that ultimately failed probably because I was tired, sleep deprived (and yeah, out of shape) for the entire duration of the relationship. I was awful to be around, I don't know how she lasted as long as she did. When I looked back on it for the longest time, I used to think what the hell was wrong with me? I mean, the tired thing is another factor, but the main issue there was just that I was just a dick.
Enough preaching, gotta go play Unreal 3 with my nephew.

Follow Through

Well, I did it. I made it to the gym tonight. All it did was remind me how much I actually love it, and that I need to stay consistant. Let's hope this begins a very long trend.

Also, I got enrolled in school today. I can't believe it. It's so weird to be starting over. Aside from the parents that came along to chaperone their kids, I was definately the oldest guy in the class. I was also the on veteran though, which probably earned me some "street cred" with the instructor. So unless something crazy happens, I am a full time student for the next two years, and ultimately I'll be a firefighter/paramedic when it's all over with.

The Wisdom of Ogre

So this week in Bridges was pretty intense. This week's subject was about how children are affected by abuse in the home. If that wasn't already bleak enough, near the end of the session we had to listen to this audio tape of a little girl calling 9-1-1 because of a fight going on between her mom and stepdad that was really out of control. The tape was horrifying, one guy in the class couldn't take it, he just got up and left. It really bothered me too, and I could tell just about everyone else in the class was pretty disturbed by the looks on their faces.
After the tape had been played, Todd started asking us all questions about it. Most of the guys in the class were so distraught by what they'd heard they could barely form complete sentences, just mumbled words like "awful," and "terrifying." One of the guys even said "Man, that made me glad I got locked up before it could get to that point," which got a few nods of agreement. When one of these guys says he's glad he went to jail that's a pretty bold statement, especially since these guys are sometimes a little slow to answer for their actions.
Finally it got to Ogre, who I am positive was on something that evening. I know he's had his problems with alcohol, but I don't think it was that. He just couldn't sit still, he made weird comments, and he kept putting his sunglasses on. When Todd asked Ogre what he thought of the tape, he paused for a moment and then said in his Napoleon Dynamite-on-steroids voice "I just don't understand. You know? I mean, it seems like she could have at least went and got a weapon to defend herself."
The entire class fell into a stupified silence. He kept going, "I mean, she could have gone into the kitchen and got a steaknife and stuck it in his thigh..." My mind was racing, I was desperately trying to contain every razor sharp reply that wanted to burst from my brain; "She's fucking SIX years old you fucking moron!" was right there on the tip of my tongue, but held back knowing that particular comment might be a little on the abusive side. Todd finally got him to shut up, in his patented condescending but still diplomatic way, which probably kept Ogre from being pounced on by somebody in the class with less self-control than I was willing to display that evening.
A few weeks earlier, we were in class while Todd was discussing some of the indirect methods of abuse, he gave the example: "She might threaten your family, or you might tell her something like 'if I go to jail, I'll have my family come and kill you'" A little while later we were having sort of a roundtable, discussing this idea of indirect abuse, at some point Ogre chimes in with this gem "What is she saying?, shes going to have her family come and kill you? I mean does she have a bunch of black guys in her family or something? Or are they mafia? Oh man, mafia, you don't want to mess with those guys. You guys ever watch mafia movies?" This time the emotional climate of the class had been a little more forgiving, so I guess we just sort of laughed it off. But in retrospect: "a bunch of black guys?" Wow.
So anyway, back to the present class where we're still discussing the tape, and how awful it is for kids to be exposed to that kind of pain. We're all having a very somber discussion when out of nowhere Ogre chuckles to himself. Todd goes "Something funny Ogre?" "Oh man, I'm sorry, heh, I just totally spaced out there for a second. I was thinking of this TV show -- you guys ever watch Jackass?" At that point, Todd and the rest of the class just stare at him incredulously for a moment, before an exasperated Todd says "What were we talking about?" Everyone in the class just stares at eachother for a second trying to remember where the conversation train was before Ogre derailed it so thoroughly. "Aw fuck it!" Todd says, "See you next week. Ogre, stick around, we need to talk"
So unless I'm mistaken, I think that might be the end of our friend Ogre's time in Bridges.

Fitness
I quit my old gym, and I started up at a new one. I haven't actually gone to the new gym yet. I am still having such a hard time getting motivated. I played some basketball this weekend, and I was excited about that for awhile. Today, I ate good for the morning, and then I went to my brother's and had a pop, and then I got hungry on my way home so I grabbed some awful awful Arby's. Crap, what's wrong with me!? I gotta pull it together soon.
Tomorrow would be a weight lifting day. I have to go to school in the morning, but I am going to post this here as motivation. After school I am going to go do my upper body weight routine. You heard it here first!