Well, it's been almost a month. For those of you eagerly awaiting the follow up to my last post where my Oz persona was so rudely stripped away to reveal the pale shuddering little man underneath, I am sorry for the delay. And, if you were worried about me, I appreciate it.
Bridges Week 19
Truth be told, I haven't been all that motivated to post lately because my Bridges groups haven't been all that eventful.
The session after I was called out, Todd had a short follow up with me in class. He reassured me once again that I did very well telling my story, not blaming, taking responsibility, and defending myself appropriately. But, he said, the thing that he keeps coming back to, is that he doesn't feel that I grasp the extreme nature of my situation, or the story of what brought me to Bridges. I don't really know how to reassure him that I do, in fact, understand how severe my situation was, I just don't show it as well as maybe some of the other guys do. I told him, that I've been through some pretty extraordinary shit in my life, and being attacked isn't anything all that new to me. Still though, it's pretty obvious to me that answer far from satisfies Todd. It hurts me to be labeled that way, because I think I do have a pretty good grasp on the reality of things, and I don't want to be that guy; the guy who lives in denial of his situation.
So I think about that a lot.
School
I started school this Monday. I have to say that I am very excited. It's a little humbling, because I'm pretty sure that in all of my classes that I am in the top 5% of the age demographic. I am hoping that whatever I've picked up in the last ten years gives me an edge on all the young punks I am going to be competing against for Firefighter jobs.
You's a Crowd
So, in keeping with the chaotic/ironic theme of my life over the last few years, I have to share this story. On Tuesday I show up for my first EMT Basic class about ten minutes before class is set to begin. I took a seat in the first row because there wasn't much else available. I had a good view of the door there, so I could see all the new students coming in after me pretty clearly. At one point, this dude walks in and goes over to check in with the instructor and I recognize him, but I can't remember from where at first. Is he one of the firefighters I met earlier? No. Is he--oh, shit. He's the cop that arrested, and then later testified against me.
It's pretty clear that he recognizes me. He takes a seat two over from me, so I have to hand him all the papers the instructor is giving out, all the while trying to avoid his accusing gaze. I know he hates me, because he's only ever heard the one (highly inaccurate) side of the story that paints me as a raving psychopath, plus there's the time he basically said that he hated me, so there's that. I can't really blame him, if I thought I did the things he thinks I did, I would hate me too.
So now I'm sitting there, in a vat of awkward paranoia, trying to think of something, anything positive that can come out of this. All I can do is think, hey, maybe I can win this guy over. So now, I'm determined to make him my best friend by the time I finish EMT Basic I. Here's to hope.
Fitness Junk
I have been working out pretty faithfully. The diet has cleaned up a lot, and I can definately feel a difference, especially when I am playing basketball. I am going to have to kick it into high gear though, now that school is starting and I am applying for firefighting positions.
Family Update
I have been spending a lot more time with the girls, my daughters. I have really been enjoying getting to hang out with them. Even the oldest who makes very sure to let me know the following universal truths:
1. She hates me
2. She is miserable
3. I don't understand anything
So I am really trying, and usually when I get her in the morning, she will acknowledge my existence by 3pm, but usually only if she is hungry. I always try to remember what a little retard I was, and how badly I treated my stepmom, and figure that it's just karma coming back to bite me in the ass.
The youngest is always so much fun. She is down for anything and seems to really enjoy her time with me. I took her to a high school football game the other day and we had a blast together.
I love them a lot, I feel like I've wasted too much time not being a part of their lives and I am just stoked to have them again.
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2 comments:
I think that if you explained to "Todd" (if that's even his real name) that he really ought to be thankful for the freedom you gave him by sorting through dead bodies, having explosions alarmingly close to your body parts, etc.; he might realize that being attacked by a crazy b!%&# in sneakers--while unsettling and certainly life-altering--is not the craziest s#!% you've ever seen.
Glad to see you blogging again; we missed you!
Remember that teens and tweens pretty much all display the 1-3 you described. I was like that, and I didn't have anything majorly unsettling going on in my life at the time. Unfortunately, for me it didn't go away until I was about 19... Underneath it all, she knows that you care :)
Kristi
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