Subrversive and Protect

I figured I should record this stuff for posterity, like for when the inevitable question is asked, “Mommy, why does grandpa just stare out the window and giggle to himself all day?”

At this point, I have been forced to take a job as a Paramedic/Security guard at a Steel Mill. I thought it was going to be pretty cool, what with all the horrible huge, dirty, red-hot metal thingies flying around here. I thought I’d be sure to see some new and inventive ways for people to hurt themselves. Alas, these drunk rednecks are actually pretty safe, so I just sit around for hours at a time waiting for the impalements and crush injuries that never come.

The worst part is that the bosses have noticed we seem to have a lot of extra time on our hands and have really pushed us to embrace our security guard roles. So I spend a good deal of my time harassing people who are just trying to do their jobs for paperwork or to wear the proper hat for wherever they happen to be. On top of that, they took away my internet (obviously I got around that, as I type this at work) book or magazine reading, and any sort of other fun ways to occupy our time.

Keeping all that in mind, here are some things I’ve done at work to keep my mind from exploding due to boredom

1. Composed a very long Powerpoint presentation over quite a few shifts that included things like:

• a zombie hierarchy, “regular zombie, zombie leader, zombie cop, zombie dog, french zombie, etc”
• charts and supporting data reasoning why bears are actually much more swashbuckly than pirates or cowboys
• comics that I painstakingly drew in Paint illustrating important facts such as “Dinosaurs can’t breathe in space” and “Robots hate figure skaters”

2. Written a memo for internal use that included the use of the phrase “butt fucked” no less than three times. Bonus: the memo was about the use of carpet runners over an area rug.

3. Had a discussion with my new supervisor, who is making all the policies I find so disagreeable, which included the following dialogue:

“You know that memo I wrote about people needing to change their attitudes?”

“yeah”

“I wrote that about you”

“oh”

and also

“Do you have a problem with me?”

“No, I have a problem with this job”

“And what is that?”

“This isn’t the job I accepted. I’m not a security guard, I’m a paramedic. The thing you need to understand is that unlike the security guards, paramedics tend to be A-type personalities.”

“I understand that.”

“I don’t know if you do, because paramedics’ tolerance for bullshit is minimum. And as A-type personalities, we tend to think that stupid rules do not apply to us”

“is that so?”

“Well… it is for me.”

“I get it, you’re a firefighter, you save lives every day, girls love you, and this job is boring. By the way, I found your powerpoint…”

“…” (looking innocent, because I wasn’t going to take credit of it, it didn’t have my name anywhere on it. And I had left it on the desktop inncuously labeled “Awesomest Powerpoint ever” right next to all the other presentations we use for training. I knew it was going to be discovered eventually, when most of the guards couldn’t wait to check it after I’d had a shift)

“You’re just…very proud of yourself” she said while actually smiling at me.

I just shrugged my shoulders, and she left. Ever since then we’ve actually had a good working relationship, meaning I show up on time and she pretty much leaves me alone. I guess I just had to prove to her that I really am as awesome as I think I am. Also I found it funny that she deleted my Powerpoint, but she took the time to print it out and put it in her mailbox. I had to wonder if that was because she liked it, or to use it as evidence against me later. From now on, all my clandestine writing on the work computer is password protected.