Tonight I'm in Seattle with my (fake) brother. We are staying at this baller hotel downtown where I can look out over the city as I type this. I would say this is the land of the beautiful people, but I think it’s really just land of the ok looking people in really expensive clothes.
My return to vegetarianism lasted three days. I was lost to a $50 steak dinner. Who could blame me? I also had some sort of weird gingerbread dessert that was such a unique and surprising sensation that I had to consciously stop myself from trying to have sex with it at the dinner table. So I took in the back and had sex with it.
Its been good to hang with my bro. He’s getting married soon and as someone who has no idea what a successful marriage looks like, I’ve been giving him lots of unsolicited advice.
My business idea as a Pet Assassin has been well received. I gotta get someone to start sketching out appropriately menacing business card ideas.
My Secret Vegetarian Backstory for anyone who cares
Most who know me would agree that me being a vegetarian is a highly unlikely scenario. Here is the brief, but unavoidably gay back story on why I became a vegetarian in the first place.
One day at work, in an effort to eat a little healthier me and my partner Mike decided to get vegie burgers for lunch, then we got busy with calls and then at about eight o'clock I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd gone a whole day without eating meat. So I just decided to stop eating meat. Originally I didn't have a goal or anything, I just wanted to see if I felt any different. After awhile I decided that knowing that Thanksgiving is a big deal in my family, and I would want to participate in the gluttony as fully as I am capable, I made Thanksgiving my deadline.
So never to be satisfied with doing something just for the sake of doing it, I decided to make this a social experiment too. I started by dividing up my family and friends into groups and seeing how long I could keep them in the dark about my decision to go meatless. Of course my work friends knew almost immediately and I told my roommate because he has been a vegie off and on his whole life and I needed tips. But I was able to keep my family from finding out until the day we were actually driving to have Thanksgiving weekend with the rest of the family. That is pretty good considering that I had dinner out with my parents twice and managed to order vegetarian food without being noticed.
Hey, I told you this whole thing was pretty gay.
2 comments:
i'm sorry but you can't say you have a gay back story in one sentence then refer to some guy named Mike as your "Partner" in the next. Dude.
I like that I tricked you into reading my tweets.
And yes, I am super duper gay (for vegetables) Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Post a Comment