The Nickelback System of Love

I don't want this thing to become about dating, or god-forbid my love life. But I've had some interesting conversations since my last post. Most of those conversations that weren't about which animals are the most racist were about dating. And I've come up with a few theories that I would like to share, or stolen a few theories and claimed they were my own that I would like to share.

Recently I was talking with a friend of mine, we'll call her Laura, we were discussing why we could never get two of our friends James and Janine to hook up. Basically it came down to what a person's worth is when it came to dating. When we say "Janine is out of James' league" or "Janine is way too good for James" I felt like we had to quantify what "too good" meant based on some objective criteria. So I came up with a system.

I'd actually been working on this system for a long time, it kind of developed when I was trying my hand at internet dating. And before I present this, I want to clarify that this isn't my system for picking a woman, this is just a list of the most simplified and shallow categories that I think all single people take into account when sizing up a potential romance.

Here's how it works, if you're a man or lady person out there looking for love, you either get a point for each category or you don't.
1. In Shape
2. Employed
3. Demonstrable skill
4. Doesn't smoke
5. Doesn't have kids

Now that I've pissed everyone off, I need to reiterate that these are not the definitive list of things people need or should have in order to find love. My little system here doesn't take a lot of factors into account, things like personality, body odor or one's proclivity for talking to stuffed animals. In fact, most people in their thirties are not 5/5 or "fivers" as I am calling them, and that's ok. I'm sure not a fiver, and I definitely don't expect the women I date to be fivers. Breaking it down...

1. In Shape. This could also just be broadened into the looks category. Looks is one of those early on, yes or no kind of things. It can kill a relationship before it even starts. And to get the point for this category you don't have to be a model, or have six pack abs. And while I said earlier this is an objective system, in actuality its all relative. To put it bluntly, if she is thin and you are fat, she gets a point, and you do not. Which pretty much sums up my current relationship, but moving on...

2. Employed. Pretty straight forward. And I will point out, in my own sexist way that I think this little point is much more important for women than it is for men, but either way its something we both take into account.

3. Demonstrable skill. Everyone may think they have this, but they are painfully wrong. Really this category is just unfair. I need to make it very clear, this is not "I can fix your computer" or "I make a killer brisket" this is more like "I'm the lead singer in a band" or "I'm a ballerina" or "professional kickboxer." It's a stupid thing to base a relationship on, nevertheless it really seems to get things moving in that direction.

4. Doesn't smoke. Pretty straightforward. Even people who smoke don't want to date smokers. Because it's stupid and gross.

5. Doesn't have kids. Ok, everybody calm the hell down! I know that in this context kids are portrayed as a negative, and I know that all the mothers and fathers out there love their kids and wouldn't trade them for anything, even a jetpack. But let's be honest, even if you have rugrats of your own, you're probably not looking to go out there and take somebody else's little projects on as your own.

So, getting back to why Janine can clearly do better than James. Janine has a professional job, is is in decent shape, doesn't smoke and doesn't have kids. James is in terrible shape, is unemployed, is socially awkward, and smokes. No matter how smart he is or what nice hair James has, a 4/5 has no business being with a 1/5. If he was a 3 he would be fine, and even a really good 2 might be able to pull it off, but not a 1. So James continues being lonely and bitter, and a big fat stupid 1.

If you find yourself going "Aw, poor James," just stop it right now. James has to do very little to get back into this game. James gets a job, stops smoking, and BAM he's right back in there. Maybe James picks up his guitar and goes down to open mic night at the Beanery and rocks the house with his rendition of Sweet Caroline, if he does really well maybe some poor naive 3 might give him the benefit of the doubt. You never know with 3s, they have the power to shock you.

I'm a 3 and I don't think anyone was more shocked that I was dating my girlfriend than she was.

Love in the Time of the Undead

"They say when God closes a door, He opens a window. And sometimes, that window is nicer, taller, and way smarter and hotter than that stupid bitch of a door" - Me

Dating in your thirties is weird. It's really not any less cripplingly awkward than I remember it being when I was in my twenties, but it's different. There are some interesting things I've learned during my short semi-successful foray back into the dating game, some of them good, some of them not so good. So one cool thing I've noticed is that girls in their thirties (yes, I'm still calling them girls, I think it's cute when I say it, but it also might be part of the reason I'm only "semi" successful in the dating game) have stopped looking for that bad boy they can rehabilitate into the charming prince. Which is really good for me because I am neither a bad boy nor a prince.
One recent glaring exception to this idea is Sandra Bullock and her thing with notorious bad boy Jesse James. Everyone is freaking out about him cheating on her, like it was some kind of huge surprise. I'm sorry, but who saw him and did not think he was a complete dirtbag? The only thing that is surprising about this whole thing, is how surprised women seem to be by it. So I guess some things never change, no matter how intelligent and clever a woman might be, there just might be a small part of her that still wants to date the guy in the band, or the criminal, or the motorcycle mechanic.
On the flip side, I am finding that while that small part is still there, it seems to be a much smaller part. Where girls were once like, "I want a guy who plays lead guitar, and drives a Trans Am" now they're more like "Oh wow, you can string together a few coherant sentences and you can do a pushup or two!?"Remember that show "My So-Called Life?" Everybody loved that show, I hated it, and because of that show I still hate Jared Leto. Everybody loved that show because apparently it was SO realistic. And that is exactly my problem with it, I was in high school when it was out, and I didn't want to watch a show where people were pretending to do the same stupid things I was doing in real life everyday. There was a character on that show played by the hateful Jared Leto, I think his name was Jordan or Brandon or some other vaguely gay popular kid name. Well anyway, the main character on that show played by Claire Danes was this intelligent, bright, totally attractive and complex girl. All throughout the show she was totally in love with this Jordan character who was an idiot. When they wrote the show they purposefully made it clear he is an idiot, and she is unapologetically in love him.

"Sometimes the only thing that comforts me when I lie awake at night, is knowing that some day Jared Leto will be dead"

.

The few episodes I was able to stomach came around the same time that I was gathering up the courage to ask this girl to prom. I'd been friends with her for a year or so, and I'm sure it was obvious to everyone that I was crazy about her. Well anyway the day finally came where we were alone long enough for me to toss it out there while I was driving her home "So, Sarah (that's her real name, she deserves to be recognized and punished for this) will you go to the Prom with me?" A long, long silence ensues. "No..."
"No?"
"No, I can't (insert long explanation about how I should ask another girl)"
Like our Claire Danes character, Sarah was a bright, beautiful girl, and about as complex as one can be when you go to a high school that has problems filling both the "Valedictorian" and "Salutatorian" slots at the graduation ceremony. The truth was, she was holding out hope that this football playing, pot smoking cretin that had been hanging out in our circle of friends would ask her. I asked her once much later on what she saw in him, she said "he was mysterious," to which my best friend Darren said "Sarah, still waters do not always run deep." Which I've always thought was a brilliant summation.
It seems the general consensus is that women are soulful and guys are shallow, and I understand where that idea comes from, but I think it gets played up a bit too much. I watched a reality show where they paired up couples based on some vague sense of compatibility. One of the couples was a guy in his thirties who was this well built, healthy guy and since the date included rock-climbing he was able to show off his athleticism. His date seemed nice enough, but she was pretty heavy set and as such, did not fair so well on the rock wall. The couple seemed to have a good time on their date, but it was obvious they weren't really going anywhere romantically. At the end of the date they were interviewing the couples and when the guy came up you could tell he knew what he was in for. He tried his best to be politically correct, but whoever was interviewing him off camera kept pushing until they got what they needed, finally he gave in "Yeah well, I would say that she wasn't really my type, you know physically..." still the invisible interviewer pressed, and he reluctantly answers "Well, I guess her figure was kind of a turn off" and at that the camera goes to the three friends who've been watching the whole time who errupt into boos and hisses at him. I mean, how dare he!? What an outrageously shallow bastard, right?
While I was watching this, I kept thinking, "they are so going to dick this guy for not being into the chubby chick" and I was so right, The thing that gets me about this is that he could have said anything else about that girl; her feet stank, she had a lisp, she was dumb, she had a bad personality and nobody would have beat him up for it. But he makes a comment on her appearance, mind you, one of the few things she can actually do something about and everyone goes crazy. So is he really the shallow one in this equation?
I don't mean to imply that guys aren't shallow, because we totally are. I could go on, but my little column here is about things I've learned, and I always knew that guys were shallow. So moving on.
This part is just for my stupid roommate, who doesn't think zombies are funny or relavent anymore, and I think that might be a good reason why he is still single. I don't want to say that women consciously think "How would this guy fare in the zombie apocalypse?" but it's definitely in there somewhere way down deep in the subconscious part of our brains that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the robot apocalypse is an "if" while the zombie apocalypse is a "when." The same idea could be passed onto a general evolutionary instinct to look for a mate that is compatible with long-term survival, but that's way boring unless we're using that logic to justify why guys love huge breasts.
But I really think that whatever value I may have in the dating scene might directly correlate to my value in the zombie apocalypse. I am a big guy, I am in good enough shape to be able to run a few miles without stopping, and I can fix household appliances. No matter what horrors await me in the coming apocalypse, I know that my toilet will still work, and that kind of thing is important to the modern classy single lady.

Musn't Love Dogs

They say that dogs can sense evil, and I believe them. And it's not because I have any special affection for dogs. In fact, I don't even like dogs. A lot of people in my life have accused me of hating dogs and pets in general which is not the case. I think I summed up my position pretty clearly when I recently put it this way: Pets, to me are a lot like homeless people; I don't hate them or wish them any special ill will, I just really don't want them in my house touching my stuff.
So when I say that I think dogs really can sense evil, its not to further along any agenda I have about dogs being good or bad, or better than cats or whatever; it's just a conveinent notion for me. If dogs are an acceptable diagnostic tool to figure out who is or is not evil, I'm going to try and take advantage of that. So even though I don't particularly like dogs, I find myself going out of my way every once in a while to be around them. Every time I do it, I think I get at least a small glimpse of what people who have just taken a blood test for some horrible disease feel right before they get their results. When I go over to one of my stupid dog-friend's houses, I find myself subconsciously psyching myself up before I go in and have to face my accuser. As if I could somehow pull myself over from the dark side by sheer will.
So far every time I've subjected myself to this test, I've been happy with my results. No dog has ever taken specific offense to me, and usually they seem to like me, which leads me to believe that while dogs may be able to sense evil, they cannot sense anti-dog people.

Post Traumatic French Fry Overdose

So in keeping with my tradition of documenting my huge embarrassing failures. After two years of school with relentless studying, testing, and evaluations all passed, if not with flying colors, at least passed without severe emotional trauma. Until now. I had my very last Paramedic test yesterday, the most important test yet. And I failed.

I did pretty well in school. I was in at least the top 75% of my class, haha. Its weird to have my first real college degree in Paramedic science, but still not be an actual Paramedic. After school is over, you have to pass two tests to be certified as a medic. Before this test, I'd already passed the written knowledge test.

This test is a practical test, where you have to demonstrate actual skills in the appropriate order. I had to demonstrate 15 different skills. Some of the skill stations I was pretty comfortable with, and some of them I was more nervous about. All in all, I felt like I was prepared. Nervous, but prepared.

Well after eight hours mostly spent waiting to go into the testing rooms, I can't say I was feeling very confident. My saving grace was knowing that if I'd only failed a few of the stations, that I was allowed a second chance at those stations. Finally when the results finally came, it turned out that I'd failed two stations. One of them I knew immediately what I'd done wrong, and was ready to correct my mistake of administering one drug, and saying it was an entirely different drug (don't let this scare you people in the public, I'm usually pretty good at this stuff, and almost never kill my patients) The other skill I failed was cardiology.

I thought I was good at cardiology, until two days before the test when I was practicing and started struggling. I spent some extra time studying and managed to make myself believe that I had my mojo back. Well I didn't I guess. The first time I tested at that station, I actually felt confident. The second time I went up to test, I completely fell apart.

They hand you these sheets with cardiac rhythm strips and ask you what you would do. Four cards, four different patients. When I went up the second time, I just sat there staring at the sheet, sweating, mumbling to myself about things like P to R intervals, and sinus rhthyms and whatnot, and just panicked. I managed to finish, somehow, but I knew it wasnt my best work.

After another hour or so of waiting for my results, still sweating the lady came down and gave the rest of my class their result. Everyone passed, except one. Me.

The worst thing was I rode over to the test with three of my friends, who were all struggling not to show their elation at finally being done. They're good friends. I could tell that they were bottling up their joy for my benefit. I kept telling them that I was proud of them, and that they should be happy. But they stayed mellow, and I stayed mad at the world.

So, as usual, I am struggling to find the lesson here. I guess what I'm thinking is that if nothing else, it keeps me humble. I worked hard to get through school, but it had come relatively easy to me. This setback is making me more determined. When I went home and tried to drown my sorrows in an extraordinary amount of french fries, I started focusing on the next two weeks. Before my next test, I am going to be the world's foremost leading expert on cardiology static strips. Maybe one day, because of my newfound motivation I can help somebody I wouldn't have been able to before. How's that for some positivity?

Sorry this isn't a funnier post, or better written but my sister always tells me I should write more. And I figure this is a good place to vent, and recenter my chi.

I know it isn't healthy, but I tend to few my accomplishments as big fat middle fingers in the faces of those who tore me down. But I view my failures as just another kick in the crotch by the same people who took away everything I once loved.

My Coffee Pot is a Liar

So my roommate Darren rarely drinks coffee. His dad recently came over to visit us and saw that I had bought a new coffee maker. Darren's dad even made a comment about it because it was the cheapest coffee maker ever and doesn't even have automatic shut-off. So basically it's a coffee maker/house fire starter. I didn't even know that they made coffee makers without automatic shut off anymore. How much could that tiny little addition really add to the cost? I used to work in electronics so I'll tell you how much, probably less than $0.25 including additional programing cost per unit.
So for Christmas what does Darren's dad give him, knowing that Darren doesn't drink coffee and that I recently bought a new coffee maker? A brand new coffee maker. This rant really isn't supposed to be about Darren's dad's motivation for buying his son presents that are so useless to him it borders on taunting. This rant is about our new coffee maker, which is in use if for no other reason than it is cool looking and it actually does have an automatic shut off and if I was to burn Darren's house down with the coffee pot he didn't even want, I would feel a little bad.
The stainless steel coffee pots look so cool, I was really pretty excited about it initially. But now that I've had a few days to use it, I gotta say it's pretty retarded. The stainless steel looks expensive and classy and the pot is heavy because, well, it's made of bloody metal, unlike my old cheap ass pot which was made of nice, light, see-through glass. So when I've been drinking coffee all morning and I keep picking up that heavy pot thinking that there's plenty of coffee left in it, and it turns out to be empty, it feels like I've been deceived. And that makes me angry. So I take it out on Darren.

Personal Note
I am so sore. I limped my way into class this morning thinking "This is ridiculous. If I would just be the tiniest bit consistent about my workouts and lifestyle I wouldn't have to go through this every few months, I just need to dedicate myself to the idea that I am going to have a lifestyle centered around health... or just give up entirely and go for the coveted title of World's Fattest Man." I am getting too old for this get in shape for summer, and get super fat over the Winter and Holidays.
I am actively looking for a job for when I get done with school and I know that there are going to be physical fitness tests that I need to excel at. I am trying to use that, to really motivate me. So far it's been a slow start to my lifestyle change, but I feel like I've got a more permanent and therefore, healthier attitude about the future.
Today was Kid's Day in school, which means I spent most of the morning just coloring and making conversation with a bunch of toddlers, occasionally taking the time to get a blood pressure or listen to breath sounds. I pretend to hate it, but it's actually pretty uplifting. It did make me miss my kids though.

I Am the King of Apathy Mountain

Rants
Why is it rude if I'm on the phone with someone, and say my roommate walks in and I interrupt my conversation with whoever I'm on the phone with (we'll call her Janice) to say "Hey dude, did you pick up some more cereal? Because we've been out for like two months and I am craving me some Lucky Charms." But it's perfectly ok for someone (we'll still call her Janice) to be talking to me and every few minutes she will interrupt the conversation to talk all cutsey to her cat or dog?
A better question is, why is it more rude for me to interrupt our conversation talk to an actual sentient coherant person who can undestand what the hell I am saying and may, possibly offer some beneficial feedback, compared to Janice who might as well be interrupting me to talk to a pillow or toaster.

I bought my parents one of those digital photo frames for Christmas. I even had the foresight to load a bunch of pictures of the family on it, because I was worried that they would just look at it think it's too hard to work, and put it out in the garage. It's actually really easy to use, and I think it's a pretty amazing little invention. All it does is display pictures, and it does it beautifully.
The other day I went over to visit my parents, and I noticed that the frame was still on the bookshelf, and my dad had gone to all the trouble of running the power cable behind the furniture, but the frame itself was off. I was on my way out and nobody was home, so I just went over and pushed the button to turn it back on.
A couple days later I came back to the house and again, the stupid picture frame was off again. This time my mom was watching TV out in the living room and so I asked her "Do you turn this off?"
"Yes" she looked at me quizzically
"You know it's not a TV, you can just leave it on all the time"
"But...it uses power"
"Well, yes mom, but it uses very little, and it's like a picture, it's just there to show off pictures."
"Well, your father doesn't like it on all the time."
"Ugh"
This is just like when I had to explain to them that half the reason to have a cell phone is to have it on. For the longest time my mom would carry her cell phone (Dad refused to get one) in her purse turned off. Which is a little nutty I know, but the worst part is that she would occasionally call me from it, asking some question on my voicemail, and if I missed the call, there was no calling her back. It seemed as soon as she finished her conversation she would hang up and immediately power down the phone and put it back in her purse. In frustration I would usually end up leaving a voicemail on the house phone, which she would call me back from, completely bewildered as to why I sounded so frustrated on the answering machine.
"Mom, just leave the cell phone on"
"It runs down"
"Since you never call anyone, it should take days to run down"
"But then I have to charge it"
"Yes, that is why you have the plug in at the house"
"But....that uses power"
"Ugh"

Personal Update
School started again. It's been tough to get excited about it, but I am doing ok. I hit the gym for the first time in weeks again yesterday, so I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow. I am writing this on my lunch at school, so I am going to go before I misuse any more commas.

2010: it's gonna get weird people

First; Some Random Thoughts

Of course the 80's were awesome. We didn't have facebook, and email and twittering to distract us from all the awesome things we could do with our clothes, hair and music.

There are three stories I probably don't want to hear unless it directly references me somehow. The story about your dog. The story about your kid. And the story about the dream you had last night.

I think my favorite reference book that sounds like a dinosaur is Thesaurus.

Second; Something Personal

Well the great race to see how much weight I can gain before the new year is officially over. I have to say, I'm a little relieved. Eating all that fast food was getting expensive, and doing some serious damage to my ego. I am actually looking forward to getting back into the gym and eating healthy again. Of course I say that now...
One thing I am definitely not looking forward to is school. Oh man, I was going over my schedule tonight and I almost had an anxiety attack, and I haven't even had my first day back yet. I am really trying to be positive about this term, but it's hard right now.

New Year's Resolutions:
I need to get something set in stone, but I'm just not ready yet. Here's a list of areas that I would like to cover:

• Fitness/Weight
• Doing more hobbies like martial arts, skateboarding and so on
• Reading for pleasure more
• Writing on this thing
• Writing my bucket list on Jott.com (one of the most helpful websites ever)

I will think of more later. So on that note, I will have my Resolutions planned by the beginning of next week. Hopefully once all this junk food is out of my system I will be a littel more clear headed.