Back in Bridges
Since my required time officially ended, I switched groups at Bridges so that I could sort of start fresh with a new group of guys. It's weird now I'm the veteran. Almost all the other guys in my new group are relative newbies. Often that fact is very obvious.
A couple weeks ago I had a fight with my wife, where we ended up texting back and forth with each other. We just went back and forth for like a hundred messages, and finally at the end when we'd exhausted ourselves we both pretty much came to the conclusion that it wasn't getting any better. I told her that I would take the dialogue between us to Todd and see what he had to say about it. Boy if I had known what would come of that, I probably would have just told her everything was my fault and forgot about the whole idea. So Todd really liked that I brought it to him. I guess I was pretty confident that I was doing most everything right, or else I wouldn't have been so eager to share my drama with an outsider.
So I gave Todd my transcript from the text war. As we came into group the next week Todd had packets for all of us. I instantly recognized my packet as a copy of my typed transcript. Todd told us that we were going to go over it and see what we could learn. I totally got behind the idea, still foolishly thinking that somehow I was going to be vindicated in all of this and finally reveal myself to be the misunderstood hero of this whole story. I should know by now that it doesn't work that way.
The whole packet is about ten pages long, and we ended up spending a hour and a half on the first page, which is basically five text messages from me, and five from her. An hour and a half! Todd tore down every single sentance, word by word. It seemed to me that he was really looking for any glimmer of dark intent on my part, any subtle insult, any hint of control. God help me, he found it. Over and over again. In less than five sentances I found myself having to fess up to the whole class. Todd would ask "what did you mean by that?" and I would have to own it "Uh, I guess I really meant 'kiss my ass.'" Shit, I really thought I was the good guy again.
Anyways, as hard as that was, I had to go back the next week and endure another hour and a half of the same thing. It was a little better this time, because I went in without any dilusion that I was going to walk away unscathed. The best part about the next class was that other guys in the group were really participating, all along I was really worried that I was boring a whole class of guys with my frivilous drama, but these guys were really identifying with it. Sometimes though they showed their enthusiasm for the idea by jumping on Todd's "You're an asshole" bandwagon, but hey, I can't fault them too much for that.
After our class got out, I had to walk through the guys waiting for class to start all holding their own copies of my traitorous transcript. As I was passing through the guantlet Todd made some crack about me not starting anymore text wars, and one of the dudes waiting stopped me. "You're the guy that did this?" I wasn't sure how he felt about me at that point so I was hesistant to jump on that grenade, "Yeah, it's me and my wife," I finally let-on. "Wow dude, this is really good stuff. I already learned a lot, I guess we all do this stuff sometimes don't we?" he said. "Yeah, I guess we do. I'm glad you liked it dude. It makes me feel better knowing that somebody else is getting something out of this too," I told him.
I left that night with a lot of good ideas about how I should approach people, especially my wife. I learned that I forget to ask questions and make a lot of statements, and then assume I know the answer to the questions I didn't bother to ask. I also learned that sometimes when I have to stand up and take Todd's beatings, that maybe somebody else is learning the same things I am. And that makes me feel like this whole thing wasn't a big pointless waste of time, maybe it's helping me become a better person and that maybe Todd isn't just being a dick to us because he can. Still though, what a dick.
Random Drivel
quotes:
Me; "Is that a rape whistle on your keychain?"
My friend Brett; "Yeah. I like to blow it. When I'm raping people."
In class the other day:
girl; "EMT is a naked sport"
Body for Life
Wow I have no excuse for my eating behavior over the christmas break. I have been eating terribly. And I think I worked out twice, and one of those times I just played basketball. The whole time I was thinking that I could just be like all the resolutioners at the gym and jump right on it when I got back from break. So I didn't do that, but at school this week Brian and I have pledged to start next week. So one way or another I'm getting my act together next week. Count on it.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Bridges Coming to a Close
School has been dominating my life for the most part. In fact it should be dominating my life right now, but I am being a slacker.
So my required time in Bridges has been met, unfortunately to get signed out of the program I had to finish my workbook. So I've been frantically trying to get it done for the last two weeks. I did about two hundred pages in those two weeks. At some point I felt like I was really getting a self-overdose. I really put a lot of work into finishing that book, but sometimes I felt like I was putting in overtime beating the dead horse of my life.
As part of finishing the book I had to watch a couple of movies. The last two that I had to watch were This Boy's Life and Were Warriors Once. I wouldn't recommend either one of these for a first date, and they were by far from feel-good flicks. Were Warriors Once was hard core, I was really blown away by the story, and the harshness of the violence. This Boy's Life on the other hand just made me feel crappy. The step-dad character in it (played by De Niro) starts out as Mr.Niceguy, and after awhile he gets a little snarkier, and then reveals himself to be this full on control-freak asshole. It sucks to admit but some of the things he did when his true colors were starting to show through, I had done myself.
Anyways, I missed my first class, and I guess I missed a good one. The Crazy Russian, who's new nickname is "Drago," got his turn in the dreaded Todd-Chair. I was really disspointed that I missed that, because when I first started the class Drago was one of the characters I really zeroed in on. Ever since my second class where the discussion was winding down and Todd asked Drago if he had anything to add, and he replied by casually pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket and began to read us a poem he'd written. I don't remember what was in that poem but I remember thinking "What the hell? Do I have to write a poem too?" until I looked around and realized that everyone else in the class, Todd included was as perplexed as I was.
After that day though, Drago became less and less involved in the groups. Usually whenever he was pressed he would deflect by giving some sort of ambigous religious answer. Todd might ask him, "So what considerations should you give to your children's friends when they're in your household?" and Drago would say "Well, I just love God, and I love people." And that would be it, and I would be sitting there thinking, what happened to the crazy accusational poem reciting Russian dude that I used to know?
So I wasn't in the group when Todd focused on Drago and brought out the dry erase marker he uses to evicerate people more thoroughly than any lightsaber could. I guess it didn't take long for Drago to break down into sobs. I really feel like I missed out, because I have been wanting to hear his story almost since I began the program at Bridges.
On another note, Ogre has been looking crazier and crazier every time I see him, which due to our unfortunate proximity in living areas happens more often than just when I show up to Bridges. In the same class that I missed, they also had to point out to Ogre that just generally being an inconsiderate dick, is actually a form of absuse. Ogre lives with his grandma, and from what I understand he was upset because she was constantly asking him to stop doing things like: blasting his music all night long, using words like "goddamn" and "fuck" frequently in front of her guests, and (this is classic) hocking loogies into her sinks. Mind you, he was upset because she has been "nagging" him about these things all the time. I guess it took some time, and quite a few reiterations and examples for Ogre to see that maybe he should just stop pulling all these dickhead moves. This guy is a real piece of work, when he doesn't show up to class I'm always a little dissapointed.
Just because I met the required time in Bridges, I don't think I am going to stop going. I think the progam has been really good for me, and while I still have a few things to take care of before I am officially a graduate, I think Todd is going to let me continue in the program voluntarily. I can't believe I am even considering that, especially when I think back to those first few weeks when I was so angry about having to do this program. Eh, life.
So my required time in Bridges has been met, unfortunately to get signed out of the program I had to finish my workbook. So I've been frantically trying to get it done for the last two weeks. I did about two hundred pages in those two weeks. At some point I felt like I was really getting a self-overdose. I really put a lot of work into finishing that book, but sometimes I felt like I was putting in overtime beating the dead horse of my life.
As part of finishing the book I had to watch a couple of movies. The last two that I had to watch were This Boy's Life and Were Warriors Once. I wouldn't recommend either one of these for a first date, and they were by far from feel-good flicks. Were Warriors Once was hard core, I was really blown away by the story, and the harshness of the violence. This Boy's Life on the other hand just made me feel crappy. The step-dad character in it (played by De Niro) starts out as Mr.Niceguy, and after awhile he gets a little snarkier, and then reveals himself to be this full on control-freak asshole. It sucks to admit but some of the things he did when his true colors were starting to show through, I had done myself.
Anyways, I missed my first class, and I guess I missed a good one. The Crazy Russian, who's new nickname is "Drago," got his turn in the dreaded Todd-Chair. I was really disspointed that I missed that, because when I first started the class Drago was one of the characters I really zeroed in on. Ever since my second class where the discussion was winding down and Todd asked Drago if he had anything to add, and he replied by casually pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket and began to read us a poem he'd written. I don't remember what was in that poem but I remember thinking "What the hell? Do I have to write a poem too?" until I looked around and realized that everyone else in the class, Todd included was as perplexed as I was.
After that day though, Drago became less and less involved in the groups. Usually whenever he was pressed he would deflect by giving some sort of ambigous religious answer. Todd might ask him, "So what considerations should you give to your children's friends when they're in your household?" and Drago would say "Well, I just love God, and I love people." And that would be it, and I would be sitting there thinking, what happened to the crazy accusational poem reciting Russian dude that I used to know?
So I wasn't in the group when Todd focused on Drago and brought out the dry erase marker he uses to evicerate people more thoroughly than any lightsaber could. I guess it didn't take long for Drago to break down into sobs. I really feel like I missed out, because I have been wanting to hear his story almost since I began the program at Bridges.
On another note, Ogre has been looking crazier and crazier every time I see him, which due to our unfortunate proximity in living areas happens more often than just when I show up to Bridges. In the same class that I missed, they also had to point out to Ogre that just generally being an inconsiderate dick, is actually a form of absuse. Ogre lives with his grandma, and from what I understand he was upset because she was constantly asking him to stop doing things like: blasting his music all night long, using words like "goddamn" and "fuck" frequently in front of her guests, and (this is classic) hocking loogies into her sinks. Mind you, he was upset because she has been "nagging" him about these things all the time. I guess it took some time, and quite a few reiterations and examples for Ogre to see that maybe he should just stop pulling all these dickhead moves. This guy is a real piece of work, when he doesn't show up to class I'm always a little dissapointed.
Just because I met the required time in Bridges, I don't think I am going to stop going. I think the progam has been really good for me, and while I still have a few things to take care of before I am officially a graduate, I think Todd is going to let me continue in the program voluntarily. I can't believe I am even considering that, especially when I think back to those first few weeks when I was so angry about having to do this program. Eh, life.
Friday, October 10, 2008
EMT Class - More nudity than I expected
I am really enjoying my EMT class. From the very first day -- actually from the very second day, after the cop dropped the class, I've really felt like this is going to be a great bunch of people to work with. We're kind of forced together, because we're all in uniform already and we do a lot of "team building" stuff together.
So far, I don't think I've made any enemies, which is good considering my penchant for making friends and enemies at equal and alarming rates. At least no obvious enemies, which is even scarier because that means that they're stealthy enemies, and I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of thing.
Thursday in lab was "Playing with Stethoscopes Day" which was cool. We had to break up the class into two groups, so my group went off to go learn how to take blood pressure, and after awhile we were going to switch with the other group. In between the switch we had a break, where a couple of my friends from the other group came to me, and said "Whatever she asks: volunteer. Don't worry about what it is, just volunteer." Luckily my buddy came to me and said "So are you going to take off your shirt?"
Basically for the next class, they needed someone to get up in front of the class and take off their shirt so they could show where we're supposed to listen to lung sounds, my little buddy there had been the unfortunate soul who got up there, and was nice enough to warn me. When we got into class, the instructor called for a volunteer, and simultaneously three girls in my class point at me and say my name.
So now I'm sitting there, and I've been called out. I went, "I don't think any of us want this to happen," but I had to do it. So I had to take off my shirt and get up in front of the class.
This sort of thing is definitely motivation for me to get my diet AND my gym routine back on track. So it looks like I'm going to start BFL again hardcore, because if I'm going to be getting all naked in front of my class, it's the least I can do.
So far, I don't think I've made any enemies, which is good considering my penchant for making friends and enemies at equal and alarming rates. At least no obvious enemies, which is even scarier because that means that they're stealthy enemies, and I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of thing.
Thursday in lab was "Playing with Stethoscopes Day" which was cool. We had to break up the class into two groups, so my group went off to go learn how to take blood pressure, and after awhile we were going to switch with the other group. In between the switch we had a break, where a couple of my friends from the other group came to me, and said "Whatever she asks: volunteer. Don't worry about what it is, just volunteer." Luckily my buddy came to me and said "So are you going to take off your shirt?"
Basically for the next class, they needed someone to get up in front of the class and take off their shirt so they could show where we're supposed to listen to lung sounds, my little buddy there had been the unfortunate soul who got up there, and was nice enough to warn me. When we got into class, the instructor called for a volunteer, and simultaneously three girls in my class point at me and say my name.
So now I'm sitting there, and I've been called out. I went, "I don't think any of us want this to happen," but I had to do it. So I had to take off my shirt and get up in front of the class.
This sort of thing is definitely motivation for me to get my diet AND my gym routine back on track. So it looks like I'm going to start BFL again hardcore, because if I'm going to be getting all naked in front of my class, it's the least I can do.
The Todd Chair - Bridges Week 20
Well there isn't much time left for me in Bridges, really only four weeks, plus a couple of follow-up sessions. This time, I was about a half hour late for class. I poked my head in, and I was like "uh, can I be here?" And Todd was like "eh, half an hour? What do we think guys, should we let him stay?" The whole class was quiet. Apparently I'm not as well liked as I thought I was. Finally Drywall Jim goes "Let him stay." Todd goes, "Did you do the homework?" I said I had, the homework is that same sheet we have to fill out every week that asks us what happened in our lives to cause resentment or conflict and what we did about it. I've been on a kick lately about my shitty ex-neighbors who were so helpful to the police the night I was arrested. My daughters still go over and spend time with them from time to time, and every once in awhile one of my girls will mention them. Anytime one of them says something about what a good time they had at the exneighbors, I have to choke back the comments that come rushing into my brain. Things like: "Oh that's nice, I sure hope their house doesn't burn down with them all asleep inside" or "Wow, I sure hope Linda doesn't die fisting herself" and other less friendly things. I am sure Todd would have a problem with my mindset here, probably thinking that I am placing blame on them, which I am. I suppose as long as I don't actually say any of those things to the girls, or to the exneighbors themselves, I'm probably ok.
So there I am back in class, I've got my homework finished, and then Todd asks me did I do the assignment. I'd totally forgotten about it, so I had to say no. Todd, seemed to consider that for a moment, and finally said "Well, you're a half hour late, but you usually have something good to contribute to class, so come on in." Which was cool to hear, especially in light of the lack of people coming to my aid when he asked if they thought I should stay.
So the assignment he was talking about was given last week and we were supposed to go talk to five people that know us well and ask them "What is it that I do that upsets you?" and we write down their answers. It turns out that about half the class didn't get this done and we were all banished to one side of the room, while the other had to give the rundown on their answers. So I don't think that I need to explain how much this assignment sucks. Even if you think you already know what all your faults are, it's always painful to have them pointed out to you. I've already gone through this to some degree, and I wasn't eagerly anticipating doing it again.
The guys that had done the assignment had some good things to say, and almost all of them were surprised by some of the answers they'd gotten to that question. Drywall Jim said that he thought he was a pretty laid-back boss and it was surprising to him to find out how many people he worked with thought he was a dick. JoeTee said that his girlfriend told him that even though they live together he acts as if it's his place, not theirs. And when we'd gone around the circle, Todd said that when he asked his daughter, she said that he played video games too much, and not enough with her. You could tell that all of these things really touched a nerve with these guys.
Todd's participation with us in this assignment really drove it home for me. Then in class, he asked us if we had anything we'd like to say to him about what he might do that upsets us. A couple of guys said things like they couldn't tell when he was being serious and when he was joking, this was emphasized by Drywall Jim's impression of Todd where he went "Hahaha, you know if you get a UA-- you're going to fucking jail!" Which kind of cracked us up. I said that sometimes it seemed like he jumped on an obvious joke and wouldn't let it go, like one time this guy that I haven't thought of a nickname for yet was trying to tell us a story. Unfortunately he started his story off with "I've been having woman problems..." and, woo boy, Todd was all over that. Poor guy couldn't get more than four words out about this argument he had with his girl before Todd or somebody was making some crack about periods, or pregnancy or some other bullshit. Finally the guy just gave up trying to tell the story, and I thought that was kind of harsh.
You could really tell that Todd was taking all this to heart. Apparently he'd already asked a few of his coworkers and was surprised to have the reoccuring theme of his arrogance. He asked me if I thought he was arrogant, and I said that I didn't think so, but I was pretty sure people on my list were going to tell me I was arrogant, so I'm probably not a good judge. I thought about it for awhile, and yeah, I can see where that came from, I think my first references to Todd in this blog were about what a douchebag he was, and I think that probably comes from my impression of his cockiness. So as Todd was taking all this "constructive" critisism he was handling it pretty well, he kept saying things like, "yeah I can change that," or "ok, I will look into that" but finally I chimed in and said "Man, I don't want to do this, because I really don't want this group to change." A bunch of the guys agreed with me, the last thing we want is to go and sit in there straight faced and work from the book for an hour and a half every week without getting to know anything about eachother. Least of all me, because it wouldn't give me anything to write about.
So I am going to go to the people on my list and ask them. Maybe I'll post their answers, I'm not sure yet if I'm willing to offer up that much vulnerability. There might be a few of you out there reading this that don't yet fully know what a piece of crap I am. I'm not in a big hurry to sully my reputation further.
So there I am back in class, I've got my homework finished, and then Todd asks me did I do the assignment. I'd totally forgotten about it, so I had to say no. Todd, seemed to consider that for a moment, and finally said "Well, you're a half hour late, but you usually have something good to contribute to class, so come on in." Which was cool to hear, especially in light of the lack of people coming to my aid when he asked if they thought I should stay.
So the assignment he was talking about was given last week and we were supposed to go talk to five people that know us well and ask them "What is it that I do that upsets you?" and we write down their answers. It turns out that about half the class didn't get this done and we were all banished to one side of the room, while the other had to give the rundown on their answers. So I don't think that I need to explain how much this assignment sucks. Even if you think you already know what all your faults are, it's always painful to have them pointed out to you. I've already gone through this to some degree, and I wasn't eagerly anticipating doing it again.
The guys that had done the assignment had some good things to say, and almost all of them were surprised by some of the answers they'd gotten to that question. Drywall Jim said that he thought he was a pretty laid-back boss and it was surprising to him to find out how many people he worked with thought he was a dick. JoeTee said that his girlfriend told him that even though they live together he acts as if it's his place, not theirs. And when we'd gone around the circle, Todd said that when he asked his daughter, she said that he played video games too much, and not enough with her. You could tell that all of these things really touched a nerve with these guys.
Todd's participation with us in this assignment really drove it home for me. Then in class, he asked us if we had anything we'd like to say to him about what he might do that upsets us. A couple of guys said things like they couldn't tell when he was being serious and when he was joking, this was emphasized by Drywall Jim's impression of Todd where he went "Hahaha, you know if you get a UA-- you're going to fucking jail!" Which kind of cracked us up. I said that sometimes it seemed like he jumped on an obvious joke and wouldn't let it go, like one time this guy that I haven't thought of a nickname for yet was trying to tell us a story. Unfortunately he started his story off with "I've been having woman problems..." and, woo boy, Todd was all over that. Poor guy couldn't get more than four words out about this argument he had with his girl before Todd or somebody was making some crack about periods, or pregnancy or some other bullshit. Finally the guy just gave up trying to tell the story, and I thought that was kind of harsh.
You could really tell that Todd was taking all this to heart. Apparently he'd already asked a few of his coworkers and was surprised to have the reoccuring theme of his arrogance. He asked me if I thought he was arrogant, and I said that I didn't think so, but I was pretty sure people on my list were going to tell me I was arrogant, so I'm probably not a good judge. I thought about it for awhile, and yeah, I can see where that came from, I think my first references to Todd in this blog were about what a douchebag he was, and I think that probably comes from my impression of his cockiness. So as Todd was taking all this "constructive" critisism he was handling it pretty well, he kept saying things like, "yeah I can change that," or "ok, I will look into that" but finally I chimed in and said "Man, I don't want to do this, because I really don't want this group to change." A bunch of the guys agreed with me, the last thing we want is to go and sit in there straight faced and work from the book for an hour and a half every week without getting to know anything about eachother. Least of all me, because it wouldn't give me anything to write about.
So I am going to go to the people on my list and ask them. Maybe I'll post their answers, I'm not sure yet if I'm willing to offer up that much vulnerability. There might be a few of you out there reading this that don't yet fully know what a piece of crap I am. I'm not in a big hurry to sully my reputation further.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
You's a Crowd - Follow Up
*Spoiler Alert*
The Cop dropped the EMT Basic class. Oh man, it's a Christmas miracle!
The Cop dropped the EMT Basic class. Oh man, it's a Christmas miracle!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Explain Yourself To Our Guard Bear
Well, it's been almost a month. For those of you eagerly awaiting the follow up to my last post where my Oz persona was so rudely stripped away to reveal the pale shuddering little man underneath, I am sorry for the delay. And, if you were worried about me, I appreciate it.
Bridges Week 19
Truth be told, I haven't been all that motivated to post lately because my Bridges groups haven't been all that eventful.
The session after I was called out, Todd had a short follow up with me in class. He reassured me once again that I did very well telling my story, not blaming, taking responsibility, and defending myself appropriately. But, he said, the thing that he keeps coming back to, is that he doesn't feel that I grasp the extreme nature of my situation, or the story of what brought me to Bridges. I don't really know how to reassure him that I do, in fact, understand how severe my situation was, I just don't show it as well as maybe some of the other guys do. I told him, that I've been through some pretty extraordinary shit in my life, and being attacked isn't anything all that new to me. Still though, it's pretty obvious to me that answer far from satisfies Todd. It hurts me to be labeled that way, because I think I do have a pretty good grasp on the reality of things, and I don't want to be that guy; the guy who lives in denial of his situation.
So I think about that a lot.
School
I started school this Monday. I have to say that I am very excited. It's a little humbling, because I'm pretty sure that in all of my classes that I am in the top 5% of the age demographic. I am hoping that whatever I've picked up in the last ten years gives me an edge on all the young punks I am going to be competing against for Firefighter jobs.
You's a Crowd
So, in keeping with the chaotic/ironic theme of my life over the last few years, I have to share this story. On Tuesday I show up for my first EMT Basic class about ten minutes before class is set to begin. I took a seat in the first row because there wasn't much else available. I had a good view of the door there, so I could see all the new students coming in after me pretty clearly. At one point, this dude walks in and goes over to check in with the instructor and I recognize him, but I can't remember from where at first. Is he one of the firefighters I met earlier? No. Is he--oh, shit. He's the cop that arrested, and then later testified against me.
It's pretty clear that he recognizes me. He takes a seat two over from me, so I have to hand him all the papers the instructor is giving out, all the while trying to avoid his accusing gaze. I know he hates me, because he's only ever heard the one (highly inaccurate) side of the story that paints me as a raving psychopath, plus there's the time he basically said that he hated me, so there's that. I can't really blame him, if I thought I did the things he thinks I did, I would hate me too.
So now I'm sitting there, in a vat of awkward paranoia, trying to think of something, anything positive that can come out of this. All I can do is think, hey, maybe I can win this guy over. So now, I'm determined to make him my best friend by the time I finish EMT Basic I. Here's to hope.
Fitness Junk
I have been working out pretty faithfully. The diet has cleaned up a lot, and I can definately feel a difference, especially when I am playing basketball. I am going to have to kick it into high gear though, now that school is starting and I am applying for firefighting positions.
Family Update
I have been spending a lot more time with the girls, my daughters. I have really been enjoying getting to hang out with them. Even the oldest who makes very sure to let me know the following universal truths:
1. She hates me
2. She is miserable
3. I don't understand anything
So I am really trying, and usually when I get her in the morning, she will acknowledge my existence by 3pm, but usually only if she is hungry. I always try to remember what a little retard I was, and how badly I treated my stepmom, and figure that it's just karma coming back to bite me in the ass.
The youngest is always so much fun. She is down for anything and seems to really enjoy her time with me. I took her to a high school football game the other day and we had a blast together.
I love them a lot, I feel like I've wasted too much time not being a part of their lives and I am just stoked to have them again.
Bridges Week 19
Truth be told, I haven't been all that motivated to post lately because my Bridges groups haven't been all that eventful.
The session after I was called out, Todd had a short follow up with me in class. He reassured me once again that I did very well telling my story, not blaming, taking responsibility, and defending myself appropriately. But, he said, the thing that he keeps coming back to, is that he doesn't feel that I grasp the extreme nature of my situation, or the story of what brought me to Bridges. I don't really know how to reassure him that I do, in fact, understand how severe my situation was, I just don't show it as well as maybe some of the other guys do. I told him, that I've been through some pretty extraordinary shit in my life, and being attacked isn't anything all that new to me. Still though, it's pretty obvious to me that answer far from satisfies Todd. It hurts me to be labeled that way, because I think I do have a pretty good grasp on the reality of things, and I don't want to be that guy; the guy who lives in denial of his situation.
So I think about that a lot.
School
I started school this Monday. I have to say that I am very excited. It's a little humbling, because I'm pretty sure that in all of my classes that I am in the top 5% of the age demographic. I am hoping that whatever I've picked up in the last ten years gives me an edge on all the young punks I am going to be competing against for Firefighter jobs.
You's a Crowd
So, in keeping with the chaotic/ironic theme of my life over the last few years, I have to share this story. On Tuesday I show up for my first EMT Basic class about ten minutes before class is set to begin. I took a seat in the first row because there wasn't much else available. I had a good view of the door there, so I could see all the new students coming in after me pretty clearly. At one point, this dude walks in and goes over to check in with the instructor and I recognize him, but I can't remember from where at first. Is he one of the firefighters I met earlier? No. Is he--oh, shit. He's the cop that arrested, and then later testified against me.
It's pretty clear that he recognizes me. He takes a seat two over from me, so I have to hand him all the papers the instructor is giving out, all the while trying to avoid his accusing gaze. I know he hates me, because he's only ever heard the one (highly inaccurate) side of the story that paints me as a raving psychopath, plus there's the time he basically said that he hated me, so there's that. I can't really blame him, if I thought I did the things he thinks I did, I would hate me too.
So now I'm sitting there, in a vat of awkward paranoia, trying to think of something, anything positive that can come out of this. All I can do is think, hey, maybe I can win this guy over. So now, I'm determined to make him my best friend by the time I finish EMT Basic I. Here's to hope.
Fitness Junk
I have been working out pretty faithfully. The diet has cleaned up a lot, and I can definately feel a difference, especially when I am playing basketball. I am going to have to kick it into high gear though, now that school is starting and I am applying for firefighting positions.
Family Update
I have been spending a lot more time with the girls, my daughters. I have really been enjoying getting to hang out with them. Even the oldest who makes very sure to let me know the following universal truths:
1. She hates me
2. She is miserable
3. I don't understand anything
So I am really trying, and usually when I get her in the morning, she will acknowledge my existence by 3pm, but usually only if she is hungry. I always try to remember what a little retard I was, and how badly I treated my stepmom, and figure that it's just karma coming back to bite me in the ass.
The youngest is always so much fun. She is down for anything and seems to really enjoy her time with me. I took her to a high school football game the other day and we had a blast together.
I love them a lot, I feel like I've wasted too much time not being a part of their lives and I am just stoked to have them again.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Bridges Week 16, Let's Talk About Me
There's a couple of things I don't normally do that I am doing tonight. Tonight I drank alone. I know that's somewhere in the top ten are you an alcoholic questions, but I assure you I had perfectly good reasons. Specifically: nobody wanted to drink with me. I guess that's it.
I found the World's greatest bar. I wasn't sure until I observed the fourth chubby girl in a row get up to sing her Karoke version of some classic Fleetwood Mac song. FOUR FLEETWOOD MAC SONGS! IN A ROW! It was the greatest thing ever. So I sat quietly by, drinking my Blue Moon beers, reading the New York Times on my phone, so as not to draw attention to the fact that I was indeed drinking alone on a Thursday night. I don't know if the fact that it was a Thursday night makes it better or worse for me.
All the while contemplating my future in Antarctica.
Tonight it was my turn to talk about myself in group. Finally. All the planning and strategy I'd tried to come up with came completely unraveled at Todd's first confrontation of my glossing over the life I've lived. I don't think I've ever faced the person I am, all the things I've done, as completely as I have tonight. It is not unlike the feeling you get in the dream where you find yourself naked in the halls of your middle school with everyone pointing and laughing. Except nobody was laughing.
I found the World's greatest bar. I wasn't sure until I observed the fourth chubby girl in a row get up to sing her Karoke version of some classic Fleetwood Mac song. FOUR FLEETWOOD MAC SONGS! IN A ROW! It was the greatest thing ever. So I sat quietly by, drinking my Blue Moon beers, reading the New York Times on my phone, so as not to draw attention to the fact that I was indeed drinking alone on a Thursday night. I don't know if the fact that it was a Thursday night makes it better or worse for me.
All the while contemplating my future in Antarctica.
Tonight it was my turn to talk about myself in group. Finally. All the planning and strategy I'd tried to come up with came completely unraveled at Todd's first confrontation of my glossing over the life I've lived. I don't think I've ever faced the person I am, all the things I've done, as completely as I have tonight. It is not unlike the feeling you get in the dream where you find yourself naked in the halls of your middle school with everyone pointing and laughing. Except nobody was laughing.
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