Committing Carbicide: My First Free Day

Almost anyone could make a strong argument that there is nothing good about Budlight Lime in a can, but good lord, these things go down easy. In case it wasn't obvious, I am taking full advantage of my free day on the program. The crazy thing is that even after a short time of having six small meals a day, I get full so quickly and feel full for so long. It seems like my body is trying to keep me from destroying it with too much fast food and beer. Stupid body.

I went and saw the movie Bruno with my sister and her husband. I am pretty sure I knew what I was getting into, but my god, that was an assault on the senses. I forgot how hard it is for me to watch people get embarrassed, and it's even worse when they're not embarrassed when they should be. I realized pretty early on, that I was way too sober to fully appreciate this one, and spent most of the time curled up in my seat cringing.

Tonight I am happy to clear my head of all that crude humor with a bit of good old fashioned violence. I am going to one of my old friend's house to watch UFC100. I am totally stoked about it.

Tomorrow I am back on the program and I am looking forward to planning out my week's meals, and cleaning all this crud out of my system.

Day 5, Boring title for a boring post

Fitness

Today I did well with my meals. Even though I am struggling to keep an average of 33 grams of protein per meal (it's suggested that you get 1 gram of protein for every pound of body weight, and 200 grams is actually less than I would need to meet that)

I decided to do my leg workout here at the firestation. We have a measly gym here, but I figured I could make due. I think I got a good workout in, but it's been about six hours and my back is really stiff and sore, so I'm hoping that's just a product of the workout.

I am really jonsing for some fast food. I think it's because I've been kinda bored this evening. Tomorrow is my free day, so at least I have that to look forward to!

Shoot for the Ceiling

Rant

To all the dudes in the gym wearing hats: you look ridiculous. I realize that backwards baseball hat really completes your outfit and all, the t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and matching basketball shoes. You are in a gym, you should not be worried about coordinating your outfit, much less bloody accessorizing! I would also tell these same guys to stop spending so much damn time staring at themselves (and oddly, each-other) in the mirror, but then they would just use that extra time for their other favorite activity: blatantly leering at the women who are brave enough to come into the free-weights section. I am embarrassed for all men, because of these guys, and I feel sorry for all women, especially the ones that date these guys.

Personal

One of the only good things that has come from being single again is that I am able to remain relatively drama free. After everything I've been through, I am so sensitive to even the slightest inkling of craziness, it can be a little crippling. When my friends start talking about their own personal romantic melodrama, I catch myself instinctively withdrawing and shutting down. I've already hurt some feelings because reactions like "You need a girlfriend, please stop talking to me about this!" I think my desire to live peacefully is healthy, but lately I've been protecting myself in some unhealthy ways.

Along those same lines. One of the aspects of this whole Body for Life thing that I haven't talked about, is dating. When I was coming to the decision to begin the challenge, I was really struggling with loneliness. I realized that if I didn't make some positive decisions, I would probably end up dealing with those feelings in a negative way. The last thing I need is some kind of romantic disaster. I'd probably do something I'd regret, and probably hurt somebody else. So as part of these twelve weeks, I am going to focus on being comfortable single. Since I'm not even officially divorced yet, that's probably a given, but sometimes it's hard for me to even accept that I really am on my own. I think taking this time to face that reality and get comfortable is another thing I can do to affect the rest of my life positively.

Fitness

Had a good day. I didn't get enough sleep (it is highly recommended by pretty much everyone in fitness that you should get at least eight hours) but I did get all my meals in. Tonight was my night to cook for my shift. So I made them the Southwest Turkey Tacos from the Eating for Life cookbook. They're one of my favorite meals. Everyone was really impressed by how good they were, even after I told them that they were good for them. There is some interest amongst my fellow crew members about the Body for Life system. So I am trying to foster that. It would be good to have more people holding me accountable.

...I Gotta Wear Shades

Personal

Today I took my niece and nephew out for coffee, which pretty much made my whole day. They give me faith in our future, they're amazing. They've both been through a lot, and I hope that karma or whatever pays them back for their positive attitudes and willingness to forgive the people that harm them. They're sure a hell of a lot more emotionally mature than I was -- am.

Fitness

Had a great day fitness wise. Had to cram a few quick meals in there to get my six, but I did it. The going out to coffee thing is part of another promise I've made to myself for this cycle on BFL, basically that I wasn't going to let it take away my life. The first time I really did this, about a year ago, I sequestered myself from the world, I was so afraid to mess up my schedule or cheat. I didn't take any chances. I actually did really well under that philosophy, but it wasn't very fulfilling. I decided that this time, that I would plan, and prepare, and find a way to do things that make me feel like I still have a life.

I had to hit the gym after my god-awful night A&P class, which means that I didn't get home until almost midnight, but I am proud that I could modify my schedule, and still stick to the program.

More Personal

Today I had a conversation with another friend of mine, and she was telling me about some issue she had. We were going back and forth talking about it, until I realized that we were arguing. She started off just venting about issues totally unrelated to me, and somehow I found a way to turn it into an argument. I realized that this is part of a larger personality flaw of mine, that I always need to "prove a point." It's one of the things that made me impossible to live with, and it's something that I definitely need to change.

Irreconcilable Similarities

I wasn't sure how personal I was going to get on this, and wasn't sure I wanted to even tell this story on here. But then I realized that this entire blog was originally started by documenting my trip through "Batterer's treatment." So how much more personal could I get?

I am so glad that I recently made the commitment to participate in, and ultimately finish the Body for Life program, because before when things bothered me, I would let them translate into some sort of unhealthy self-abuse: i.e. drinking, smoking or overeating. The old me, would have been dealing with today with at best, a bunch of beers and a big bag of chips.

The problems began when I had some family drama this morning that moved into a weirdly intense and combative conversation with my sister-in-law. Ultimately all that bickering resulted in nothing but stress for everyone involved. I should learn to pick my battles better.

After that I went to the gym, the place that is supposed to take care of stress. But as soon as I walked in the door I ran into my (soon to be) ex-wife's boyfriend. He obviously recognized me, and I recognized him from the weird night a few weeks ago when I came out of the bathroom at a restaurant and almost bumped into them walking in hand-in-hand. We didn't say anything, I just looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both turned around and walked our separate ways. That was painful. I would like to think that I am in a good place with it, but I really don't like running into that dude at my gym. That is supposed to be my sanctuary, and it feels violated.

I found myself struggling not to think about that night, and about him being there. It threw my whole workout off. But I got it done. I have to focus on not hating him by reminding myself that he didn't take anything away from me. I try to remember what I have, and not what I've lost. Still it hurts, and all I wanted to do was quit lifting and go smoke a cigarette.

So tonight, I wanted a healthy distraction. It just so happens that a few of my friends from the fire station are going out as The Oregon Suits. This is a group that one of the guys here started a long time ago that involves everyone getting dressed up in some haggard suit out of the back of their closet, or at Goodwill in my case. Then we gather together and go out on the town to do something that looks ridiculous for a bunch of guys in suits to do, or as the motto says "Hitting the town with class." Tonight we bowl.

It's totally cheesy and dorky, but it sounds like exactly what I need

The Border From the Gray to Now

They say the best revenge is living well. So I recently decided that I want revenge, and at the same time I wanted to continue the steep upward trend that my life has been on for about the last year or so.

There has been big gray border between my old life and the new one that I am enjoying today. I have been taking steps to finally solidify that border-line. I have a lot going on, a job that I love, a full school schedule this summer, and the paramedic program to look forward to in the Fall. There are also a lot of other things that I realized were becoming distractions, and keeping me from progressing the way I should.

Big buildup there for me to just say that I am doing the Body for Life program again. I realized with all the finality I am applying to my old life, what better way to start my new one than with discipline, focus, and a rockin' body?

Here are my Before pics...brace yourself

I have to tell you, I was shocked. I think it was only a couple of days ago, I was commenting on how good a shape I've stayed in. That's pretty embarrassing now that I can see myself.

So today is day one, my 12 weeks is up on September 28th and one of my goals is to blog here every day of it. I won't focus my future entries entirely on my fitness, but I do plan to write something here everyday.

Out with the old, well some of it anyway

So, my new obsession has been my facebook. Which I am not going to link because I like that I still have some separation between my new life and the old one documented here.

The new life includes a job working as an EMT/Firefighter in a tiny town not too far from where I go to school. It comes with a lot of everyday nonsense and drama like any other job, but at some point almost every day I am amazed that this really is my job. I can't believe I wasted so much time doing anything else.

Today I had my first patient die on me. The people that know me won't be surprised that it didn't really affect me emotionally, other than being proud of the work I did to try and save him.
I have another young EMT friend who had to deal with her first death not that long ago, and it really threw her, she is struggling to get over it. I try to be sympathetic to her when she tells me about it, but all I am thinking is, "You are not cut out for this job. People die. Get used to it." I know that sounds harsh, but at least I am honest.

Old Life
I still think about my program at Bridges every day. Part of me really misses it. Even though I left feeling angry and betrayed. It's mostly during the times when I catch myself dwelling on my wife and family and all that I've lost. I try not to think about it so much, and try instead to focus on everything I have in front of me.
...like Paramedic school. I got in. The future is indeed very bright.